Wednesday 28 May 2008

Available for trade


One used soul.

Battered from 29 years of incidental probing followed by 14 months of intensive use.

Open to offers from all faiths, denominations, belief groups, social movements, non-profit organisations, Tom Cruise, satan worshipers, trade unions, or Bono.


Just one successful cycle.

Benefits of trade:

You will find yourself in posesion of a relatively young and vibrant soul.

Sense of humour included, well worn, but functioning.

More than adequate intelligence and a significantly open mind, the soul is willing to devote itself to any cause in complete and unquestioning fashion.

In return, with granting of a successful cycle, you will make yourself feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

You will be be eliminating the need for difficult choices that should not have to be made.

You will be putting an end to frustration and sadness for two people.

You will be replacing tears of sadness, a level of which I never knew could exist, with those of boundless happiness.

You will be softening past disappointment, removing it from the future.

You will be guaranteeing a match up between a child and two parents that could be so bloody sickeningly perfect, human evolution may slow down to watch, causing tailbacks in the process.

You will be stopping my fucking whinging.

For further information please feel free to contact me at the above e-mail address or by phone between 6-7:30pm on weekday evenings.


Putz said...

sounds like you are making a pact with the devil or your savior

Anonymous said...

I don't think you want Tom Cruise tinkering with your reproductive process; better just get something in writing from Lucifer himself.

Not having a concrete reason for the infertility is horrible and I am sorry it seems your medical people aren't in any hurry to probe further to find out why or what can be done.

I wonder if it's a European thing?? It took eons to worm through the Italian system and I got next to nothing done... Just cuz their history is like thousands of years old they think they can make you wait another 1000years?? Whereas in the States it seems (I may be wrong) the second you show up with just a hint of trouble they got you flat on your back in seconds injecting you with super sperm or nuclear fusing your little gents to her little eggs and so on. Whether it works or not at least you're not forced to just sit around and wait.

MarĂ­a said...


Anonymous said...

I feel like making t-shirts saying "Go, Spencer, go!" on them. I think this may be the next religious movement... pushing to get ET knocked up so you don't sell your soul.

Hey. People will believe ANYTHING these days.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

I'm willing to send a kid. But you can only have her for 12 hours, then put her back on the plane to come back.

Anonymous said...

I've got a cycle you can have. It only has ten gears and the saddle is a little hard but it still works.

Oh... Not that sort of cycle...ok

Craig D said...

Have you tried Craigslist?

Just asking, is all.

Kori said...


Sully Sullivan said...

No need to sell your soul. It'll come. Be patient. Plus, no one wants your soul anyways. People are selling their souls too much these days. There's no demand for souls anymore. try offering drugs.

Martin said...

@Putz - Whichever comes up with the goods can have it.

@Geeks in Rome - Unexplained is beyond frustrating.

I guess its more a public health service thing than a European thing specificialy, but now, as much as I admire Public health care systems, I really just want walk into someones office and say, 'here's my house, get us pregnant'.

@Immoral Matriarch - Why the long face?

@Angel - You print those t-shirts and Disney will sue your ass...yep, folk will believe anything.

@A whole lot of nothing - that just sounds wrong. I think you're looking for Gary Glitter's blog.

@Dan - has it a basket up front? I want a basket up front.

@Craig D - you have a list?

@Kori - Sorry, am I keeping you awake?

@Sully Sullivan - I live in Holland, every one has all the drugs they need. Unfortunately.

B said...

I suggest you remove Tom Cruise from that list pretty fast, he gets kinda odd when near children or anything like that.
Didn't he eat a placenta?

Jason Roth said...

Watch out...Tom Cruise may knock on your door.

Deb said...

I, too, took this path. Selling my soul + a little Clomid finally did the trick. So you're on the right path.

Russ said...

I think sully is right, too many people have offered up their souls. It's kind of like the housing market here, a glut of home on the market and only a few buyers.

I suggest keeping up the vitamin regimen for a while longer (somethings take longer to work), keep on bumping uglies (as you like to say), and focus on a positive attitude. Or you could just go and get yourself drunk.

Anonymous said...

there's nothing more pleasing than being an offered a soul.

Anonymous said...

Why will Disney sue me?? Do they already have a sperm character named Spencer??

Tara R. said...

Again, I have nothing that would be remotely helpful here. I am truly sorry you both are having to go through all this.

Anonymous said...

aaaaaaawh. I just want to squeeze you and tell you it will be ok. Hugs always makes things better.


[[[[[[Big Hugs]]]]]

That's enough for you Spencer and ET right?

Oh and word to the wise. NOBODY should go down the road to sell their soul to Tom Cruise. I mean look what happened to his wife. Will Smith. :(

AnnD said...

Awwww.....sweetie. This post made me sad. I wouldn't want you to be a father without the soul you have now, your soul is what will make you such a good father. I'm so beyond impressed by your candor and your openness, a rare trait in any male in today's society. I love that about you. Don't just give it away. [hugs to you and ET]

Martin said...

@B - You're making me hungry.

@Roth Family Adventures - He'd be under the stair with the Jehovas before he knew what hit him.

@Deb - Did you get a good price for yours?

@Russ - Well, frankly, drunk is a given...

@Shamelessly Sassy - all one needs is a heart to go with it, and you got yourself a song.

@Angel - They will if I've anything to do with it!

@Tara R - Thank you, very kind of you to say it.

@Kittyconcerto - Aww bless, that's really sweet of you. Thanks.
Just no kissing on the lips...

@AnneD - Candour/Openness = Stupidity ;0)
Seriously thank you, from both of us.

Anonymous said...

Have you tried e-bay? They sell just about everything on there -and if they don't some nutter selling a soul will get you lots more readers if nothing else, and then you will be so busy replying to comments that it will take your mind off 'stuff' for a while and........yeah too much coffee again, sorry.

James (SeattleDad) said...

It's the worst feeling when it is 'Unexplained'. You feel like if there were a reason why, at least you could do something about it or move on, but the unexplained is just plain cruel. Hang in there.

Kori said...

You, my friend, are a bonafide smart ass. I was sighing because it makes me sad that you are so goddmaned eloquent, such a great write, that I can feel your pain. And the whole hting sucks, and I am so freaking tired of the assholes who are screwing with you and ET about all of this, and....well. I thought it better to just sigh...

Jenni said...

i wish you had some answers, i wish i could help.

Anonymous said...

"6-7:30pm on weekday evenings"

Damn, I forgot you weren't here in Oz and tried to call and no answer...

It sucks that you have to offer your soul to Tom Cruise, when every day I see ferals with babies. Want me to steal one for you? What flavour do you want?

Anonymous said...

Man, the whole thing is so, so wrong when guys like you two have such hassles, and some of the bogans hanging around shopping centres here pop one out every year, then don't give a shit about them.

But yeah, keep Tom Cruise out of it. You may end up an alien.

Anonymous said...

I like that people told you to look on Ebay.

Ebay is good.

Oh and you can have my cycles for a bit if you like, no soul neccessary. I mean, they *should* work.

Kevin Slazas said...

I would have a heart to heart talk with my swimmers, if I were you. My guess is that your Navy Seals know exactly what is going to happen the second that pee stick shows a plus sign: Back into the bottle.
Think about it: they have probably gotten used to all the extra room to roam in there. Can you even remember your last bout of blue balls?
It is time to strategize, my friend. No need to make a pact with the devil- compromise with the little guys. Give them assurances that they won't be forced back into tenement living.
Face it: they are sandbagging on you. They know they've got a good thing going. If I were in their place (and thank the Lord I'm not) I would milk this for as long as possible, too.
Maybe consider bringing ET into the negotiations. I bet she could offer some sort of, errrrr, performance bonus.
Certainly a witty guy such as yourself can outsmart a few million single cell critters.
And if all else fails, I suggest threatening the nuclear option. No need to be too overt about it, though. Just mention the "no-scalpel" procedure and maybe leave a brochure from your urologist alongside your usual bathroom reading material. They will get the hint.
Blessings, and happy humping!

Stacy said...

I agree with angel I would wear a go spencer go shirt

MommyHeadache said...

I'm sending both my kids over by Fed-Ex..keep them as long as you like.

Maggie, Dammit said...

If anyone was meant to be a parent/teacher/leader/lover it is you. Don't question me, I know things.



Anonymous said...

Seriously. This was EXACTLY our situation. They called it an "ovulation deficiency" on my end. You better start preparing. 'Cause this doc is gonna get you guys pregnant. And you may be in store for multiples!! Hell, crack a beer and relax. You are SO THERE!!

Unknown said...

You know, I sure could use an extra soul. I'm going to go ahead and figure out how to get you a successful cycle.

Anonymous said...

Kevin, you are so funny, you and xbox should get together and write a book ;)

You should go public with your blog!

Anonymous said...

I'd give my soul to ease yours.

Dondi Tiples said...

29! So young! There's hope for you yet.

This post reminds me of my husband's favorite shirt: FOR SALE, WIFE which he just loves to wear whenever he's out with me.

Martin said...

@Tismee2 - Some German couple put their 7 month old up on eBay last week. I was too slow off the mark.

@James Austin - Yes, which makes the reluctance to investigate further so frustrating. Hang in there we will, we just have to!. Than k you.

@Kori -I'm just pulling your leg. Your sigh is very much appreciated.

@Jenni - Such is life. Thank you.

@Kelley - We would need to swing them as being our own, so if you can find some pasty faced beer bellied ferals, grab their kids. Cheers.

@Suze - I would never have agreed with you in the past, but now, It does seem a shame. As wrong as it is to say.

@Veronica - Your cycles are somewhat occupied for now methinks.

@Kevin - You mean give my seed a pep talk? you mean like THIS?

Nice theory, I may work on it.
Whats your blog by the way?

@Snowmanpoop - I could have baby sizes made!

@EmmaK - I think yours could do with the break!

@Maggie, Dammit - that must be the single most fascinating comment I've had yet. I want an explanation woman!

@Nola - I think your meds have taken hold on ya.

@Dorky Dad - finally someone I can do business with.

@Tismee2 - I think you should need a prescription for that coffee.

@Tiff - Oh don't say that. There's plenty work for yours to do yet!

@Dondi Tiples - Heading for 31 actually, this started at 29... Hope maybe, but hoping for something a bit more concrete.
I like the idea of that tshirt.

♥.Trish.♥ Drumboys said...

this is soul destroying stuff - you are not whingeing just telling it like it is.

frog ponds rock... said...

eeeew Tom Cruise.. Oh dear XB you are being a bit hasty..

mmm *wanders off trying to think of a solution that doesn't involve Tom the Tosser*

Anonymous said...

so, how the the size of this "soul"? i hear size matters so i'm gonna have to know these types of details before any decisions can be made.

Anonymous said...

XB, that was a funny post and I am sorry I missed it the first time.
But seriously, I think you need to drop the sappy motivational messages. The boys are wise to you.
They've got a good thing going and can't see any reason to change. Think about it- they get let out to play pretty much as often as they wish and certainly much more than the average single-cell half human.
Time to change up your motivational speech, my friend. It is time to move on from Obama to Madonna. Know where I'm going with this?
Your little Navy Seals need to know what life will be like post-fertilization. They are likely fearing that they will be put to pasture once the ultimate sacrifice is made. I say give 'em a taste of life after retirement! Something like the GI bill, I suppose- free college tuition, cheap mortgages, free drinks at the pub. They are a little scared of life on the other side, but certainly a little carnal motivation would improve job performance.
And as an aside, just to piss you off- It has been 3 months since my V-procedure and still no "all-clear" from the doctor. There are still swimmers in there. (Argh, I despise having to use those baggies!) I have dispatched a unit of my Navy Seals, via the plumbing system, your way just the other night. I am sure they are hardy enough to survive the journey across the pond, but no telling how long it will take. Once at their destination, they have instructions to to kick the asses of any Spencer who is found to be in dereliction of his duty.
I've got your back, man.
Thanks for asking about my site: it is


Karen said...

I am not in the business of souls, but I CAN offer a hug....well, a virtual one, anyway.


Rachel said...

I don't want your soul, sorry. I have 4 on my plate already and it's rather full.
This post was brilliant.
fertile wishes and perfect cycle dreams to you dearie.

Brian said...

Been there... Done that. Tried IVF and it didn't work. We were given a 3% chance of ever having another child. Six weeks later along comes the good news. She's now two. For me just relaxing and not stressing over it was the best medicine. Wishing you all the best.

loveyh said...

Been there, done that. Oldest was conceived two years after we started trying; his sister in 7 months. It sucks, but there's a reason...take a vacation or something.

Or, do what works for several thousand couples not planning on children anytime soon: take a Disney Cruise. And drink every time Mickey's head shows up on ANYTHING.

Miss Awesome said...

I think maybe you should consider just loaning out your soul. Because you won't be able to enjoy this baby when he or she gets here if you have no soul.

Know what I mean?

Martin said...

@baby~amore - Some days it's easier to handle, some, not so easy.

@FrogPondsRock - Tom the Tosser. He's SO gonna sue you.

@Struglas - 8 inches, honest.

@Kevin S. - I'll take your advice into account the next time I have the urge to bollock my bollocks.
Incidentally, we have swimmers, plenty it seems, but somethings going amiss further along their path.
I'll check out your site, you nutter.

@Karen - Thank you, very kind of you.

@Rachel - Also, thanks, much appreciated.

@Brian - Congratulations on the success. I'm glad you managed by not stressing, did you bottle it by any chance? Cheers.

@lovely - A reason? I'd really love to hear it.
We've had 3 vacations in the last 12 months, maybe we should go for a fourth, or pack in our jobs altogether and become hippies.

Thanks for sharing your story, I'm glad you've been so lucky.

@big Mama Pimplishness - I hear you, but I gotta try!

Anonymous said...

Is it rude to be new to the conversation and just jump right in??

The unknown of anything is always the worst possible situation. I find platitudes to be mind blowingly annoying... So I won't tell you to hang in there or to be patient. Just don't get caught when you run over the doctor with your car.

Unknown said...

Awe, dude. You make me want to take back every rude and sarcastic thing I said to you today.

Anonymous said...

Can I have your soul? Not promising anything, but I like to collect things. A leprechaun soul would be funky.

Laski said...

I'm donating my worry dolls to you . . . right now . . .

Anonymous said...

Let me know if you have any takers. They can have my uterus too. It's not worth much, but if you dip it in bronze, it'll make a hell of a coffee-table conversation piece.

Martin said...

@Carolyn - Thanks for the thumbs up!

I've no sense of rudeness so fire away please.

@Huckdoll - That's called love-hate madam.

@Anja - I may give it to Tom Cruise or Bono or Satan, but it'll be a cold day in hell before you get your greasy mits on it.

@Laski - I think I've a full quota of worry for now, thanks though!

@Marie - Gold on reproductive organs is so yesterday!

Momo Fali said...

Hmmm...selling your soul eh? The devil may be interested.

Momo Fali said...

Hmmm...selling your soul eh? The devil may be interested.

justmylife said...

Wish I had a good comment, but words fail me right now. So just insert a great comment "here" and then add "Sorry, wish I had a clue how to help!"

Anonymous said...

Man - Like I didn't already feel for you I'm almost speechless. I hope for nothing more than to open my reader and see a "We're pregnant" from you. I can't imagine the sarcasm that would follow.

Karen MEG said...

Tom Cruise, really? You are a desperate, desperate man (I know, you really are :(.

Hey, I've started my slow dive into my previous personal hell ... for you, my friend (well, maybe somewhat for myself too). I think it's gonna be as long as a frickin' telephone book by the time I'm finished. But I don't think yours will be... you had a few years head start on me, and honestly, those years DO make a difference.

Sending you cyber hugs...

Dto3 said...

Not the reaction I'm sure you were evoking, but I've never laughed so hard in my life as I did when I read the word "cycle" in your entry. My son recently watched "the video" at school and on our way home tonight, he said. Dad, I really wish I didn't know what I know now. I don't think I can ever look at Mom the same. Does she go through the monthly "cycle?" Best of luck to you!

Anonymous said...

As long as you don't change your mind half way through and try to offer me double glazing incentive instead.

Martin said...

@Momo Fali - I think it may be too hot for him to handle.

@justmylife - Thanks, it's appreciated regardless.

@Tyler - Thank you. I do too.
But me, sarcastic? surely not....

@Karen MEG - Thanks.
I can't wait to read more, honestly.

@Dto3 - This WAS actually meant to belighthearted! so you got it right.
Your poor kid!


@abritdifferent - even with a 10 year guarantee? I'm Irish, I could tarmac your driveway?

Lee said...

Again, nothing constructive to add.

Have you given any thought to writing a book?

You have a unique voice, and are going through something that many have gone through/can relate to. I think it would be a powerful story.


Martin said...

@Lee - Thank you, it's really weird to have people say that.

I wouldn't know where to start, and well, as I've said before, books need endings.

Sue said...

Yes. Exactly right, she says, delurking.

The only thing I would add to the request for a successful cycle would be a long and healthy 40 weeks with squalling, pink, healthy baby at the end of it.

(Sorry, don't mean to rain your request. I am a lawyer's kid (and an infertile with RPL) and I have learned about being specific.)

I am so hoping you get your cycle. So hoping.