Friday 29 August 2008

A man's work is never done

Well the good ship 'red menace' has begun to set sail and leave port once again and we hope the tramp turns all 'Titanic' on us and never makes it back.

We turn our attention to the new plan of attack for this cycle.

I say new, but it's not really new is it?

It's quite straight forward actually, and has been for the last 18 times.

The plan is basically, for the love of Jesus, Mary, Joesph, and the wee fella who rented them the shed way back then, just knock her up!

Of course we are utilising all the various tools at our disposal.

It goes without saying that my majestic appendage (stop sniggering) will be called into action, as will the tunnel of love (a.k.a. the tunnel of 'are you finished yet?'). A mosh pit of muff and man bits, if you please.

'Obvious', I hear you say, but you never know, some folk might need a refresher on the basics.

Anyway, aside from that we have our trusty OPKs. Trusty in a 'don't believe a fucking word they say' kind of way.

Following on from the unusual ovulation pattern from last month, we have taken to charting temperature at the same time. This wont tell us when things are ABOUT to happen, but we should know exactly when it HAS happened, useful information for later.

We tried to buy a basal body temperature(BBT) thermometer here, but all the pharmacists (or at least the ones who knew what we were talking about) insisted that they 'don't use them anymore, we use the prediction kits' so therefore they don't sell them.

The liardy maggots. Trying to tell us that in a country of 16 million people, no one wants to take their bloody temperature! Kiss my arse.

So, we got one online from the UK.

On top of that ET is becoming a dab hand at judging the go-goo and is trying to find an acupuncturist.

In summation, our to-do lists for this month look something like this:

-Ram an electronic device into the bodily orifice of her choice every day before getting out of bed.

-Urinate on pieces of plastic a couple of times a day for about 10 days.

-Shove her fingers into herself to figure out how slimey slime should be.

-Find someone to stab her regularly in the name of relaxation.

-Shag her.

She's one lucky, lucky woman eh?


Ian Newbold said...

I hope she goes on top, you wouldn't want to over do it.

May the force be with you

Jenni said...

Hoping for a massive shipwreck in September! And, you meet w/the Crocs again, right?

Liz said...

You left "Get up the duff" off the to-do list.

Bluestreak said...

xbox, your task seems very straight forward. Get that mosh pit going, I´m rootin for ya.

p.s. "Find someone to stab her regularly in the name of relaxation" - I initially thought this was referring to you shaggin her, but now I see you were referring to the acupuncture.

Jo said...

Ha, bluestreak, I thought that too. Alarming!

Still, you could be the one taking her temperature, Dr X.

And, eh, no 'ramming' of the thermometer is strictly necessary. A verb too far!

Anonymous said...

There's a book title somewhere in this mess . . . something to do with shagging and the Titanic. I'd read it . . .

Rikki said...

*In my best Canadian accent*

"ET is a stud, no doubt about it" (which comes out sounding like "no doot aboot it").

Get your sex on and ride that gravy train X!

Eww..was that too vulgar? ;)

Here till the end.

IVF Land on Surrogacy World said...

I for one needed the refresher course.

I have learned that babies are made by doctors in a lab. That the sperm is injected into the egg by an embryoligists.

Then 5 days later the new embryo is carefully placed in the uterus which is sitting on an operating table while about 5 people watch and you take pictures.

Having sex to have a baby is so old fashioned.

MarĂ­a said...

I wasn't snickering until you said to stop.

Sarah said...

"A mosh pit of muff and man bits, if you please."

Thank you. I have officially snorted coffee OUT of my nose!

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

Poor poor poor woman on so many levels.

samcrea said...

I was wondering 2 things here..

1. Does your missus read this blog??

2. are you really told to hurry up and finish??

Chaos said...

OK, the "mosh pit of muff and man bits" totally choked on my OJ, hysterical. As for the job list poor, poor ET.

Jill said...

Here's thinking of you guys... of course, not "during" the bits and pieces part, but definitely afterwards...

Martin said...

@Single Parent Dad - If it wasn't for the issues that gravity would pose...

@Jenni - Oh yes, I didn't mention. ET is speaking to her Monday.

@Womb for Improvment - THATS where we've been going wrong, it never put it on her list...

@Bluestreak - That would have just been rude now wouldn't it!

@jothemama - I oververbed?

@tysdaddy - I'm not bothered if you would read it, but would you PAY for it?

@Rikki - Surely, I would be the stud, no? not her?
And yes, it was a tad vulgar, you know this is a family show...

@IVF Land on Surrogacy World - yes, it's very retro.
This was like a history class for you then!

@immoral matriarch - Liar.

@Sarah - Really? I don't believe you. I think you just laughed...
go on, admit it... ;0)

@A Whole Lot of Nothing - life for her is like winning the lottery, every day!

@Samcrea - Yes, and er no. Having to hurry up isn't an issue I face much...

@Chaos - I didn't think any woman would go near him after that whole murder debacle...
It's fine, she needs a hobby ;0)

@Jill - Cheers Jill, hope things are going ok at your end.

Russ said...

Crap dude, that's a long to do list for you. (Not that I envy ET's list.)

Anonymous said...

"mosh pit of muff and man bits"

how do you come up with this stuff?

good luck to ya. break a leg and all that.

Sarah said...

No, actually it caught me just as I had taken a sip of the coffee. I started to laugh, I inhaled some of said coffee, and I started with the snorting, laughing, coughing that can only result in a liquid of some sort being sent through the nasal passageway. Gooood times.

Anonymous said...

*wiping tears from eyes*

hee hee, hee hee

I laughed so hard just there. Love the ship analogy. Brilliant.

People in the Sun said...

"the tunnel of 'are you finished yet." Man... I hope one day it'll be fun again for both of you.

Anonymous said...

Will she be hanging from the ceiling fan after or will you hold her up by her ankles?

I curse the BBT!!!

(I shall be charting the same waters shortly less the temping)

SciFi Dad said...

You, sir, are a hopeless romantic.

Stella said...

relatively speaking. yes.

trying out acupuncture myself next month.

i'm friggin cd19 and cannot get a pos OPK to save my life. anovulatory perhaps? delayed ovulation? either blows.

unless i wind up pregnant at the end of it - in which case - whatever the fuck!

rock on.

Putz said...

RUSS HAS A WHOLE OTHER AGENda than you....i read him and then i read you and i get confused...and then there is blondefab with her agenda, why aren't things simple anymore????

Karen MEG said...

Sorry, still sniggering... not very good with directions.

BBT are old school now are they? I feel vintage.

Horse Chick said...

I hadn't laughed right out loud (or barely smiled) this morning until I read your blog....fortunately I've learned not to eat or drink anything while reading it!!
I do realize I am a truly sick person to laugh at all of what you & ET are up to your "bits & muffs" in, but I'm laughing with you, I hope that makes it better or at least less perverse! Good Luck with the shaggin' and help ET out with her list...just offer at least :-)

Anonymous said...

I was wondering the same thing...does ET read the blog? After you are done with your shaggin' , I would have to strap you to some sort of torture device. I would need to see you in some sort of agony, just for a bit. Men, ye get away with murder...bloody murder I tell ye.

Anonymous said...

I just read an article about chiropractic care and infertility. I know you guys haven't been deemed infertile, but since you're willing to try anything I thought I'd pass it along. Do you have chiropractors in your country?

James (SeattleDad) said...

Get your game face on and get into the zone. And break.

Anonymous said...

Maybe you could stab yourself on a regular basis just to make her feel better?

Anonymous said...

RE: Ork's comment.

Jumping on the chiro thing here. My mother in law swore up and down that the reason she finally got pregnant was because she went to a chiro. I did try it one month, obviously didn't work. I really need to go back and try a few months in a row. Just so hard with commuting to work. By the time I get back to the chiro they are closing. But if you guys do have chiro's there, and you haven't tried that yet, I highly suggest it.

Well that's my $.02 on it.

Anonymous said...

You forgot that ET also gets to agonise over every twinge and 'feeling' while you sit there and look pretty.

Maybe you should start peeing on bits of plastic and your fingers (obviously you would have to use fake OPK's because damn those things are expensive) in sympathy...

Kori said...

Well. Yes. Lucky indeed.

Anonymous said...

*Hello, I am ringing you. To be telling you. That you have won. A new mobile phone..*
Gah!! it is impossible to type in a sing-song accent..
Tries again... *Hello, I am telling you that you have won the mystery object..*

*skips away happily, trala laaa-ing.*

Maggie, Dammit said...

I am totally calling it the "good ship 'red menace'" next month. Totally.

(As for your last question? Absolutely, mate. Absolutely.)

Elfie33 said...

Wow I think I learned something today. *grins*...I'll never think of a Mosh pit the same again..*rofl* Lets hop her Mosh Pit and your man bits do their magic.

Anonymous said...

Okay, I think you just broke my mind. man.
Too many visualisations.

I'm telling everyone, in my house the new code word for AF is the red menace. The girls will totally get it.

James (SeattleDad) said...

(from Mrs. LIAYF)

From everything I read about TTC, the condition of the CM is more important than anything else (including temperature and whatnot).

This may be TMI, but out of the 48+ months we were TTC, the one that did the trick was the one where the CM was really, really slimey. I didn't even have to check slimey . . .

Again, probably TMI . . . but the six margaritas probably didn't hurt either. We had just been told we couldn't conceive and had decided to just deal with it at happy hour. I hadn't had a proper drink in about 4 years. I reasoned later that the alcohol wasn't a bad thing because the alcohol doesn't reach the eggs until after they implant (several days after fertilization).

I know you probably get all sorts of useful advice, but these are the only two things that were different in all our years of TTC.

Anonymous said...

I love reading you. ET IS one lucky woman to have someone so supporting and with such a good sense of humor through all this.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful. That read like a Harlequin Romance Novel. I think I'll go buy my wife some flowers and a thermometer. ;)

Mrs4444 said...

You're hilarious (and so are the comments on this post).

Anonymous said...

add do the f'ing dishes and change the sheets to your pitiful list will ya?

AnnD said...

You had to order a BBT?! I went into a drugstore and bought one with no issues. Man, that's weird! I charted my temperature for one month plus used the OPK's and my temp. did rise significantly the day I peed a positive OPK. Okay...I know that this might be too intrusive but I want you guys to make a baby dammit! I am assuming that you alrady know this info. but I was also assuming that you had to have been doing the temperature taking thing before now. So, I guess I can't assume anything. So, here it goes: after you and ET "do the deed," is she laying flat on her back with her hips elevated (such as under a pillow)? Also, when I was doing my TTC research, I read that if the woman has an orgasm after the man (in that flat-on-back-and-hips-in-air position) then it propels the spermies towards her cervix! She'll probably have to do that herself but if it works, then it will be worth it!

Martin said...

@Russ - I'll struggle on!

@ms. changes pants while driving - Drugs, alcohol, drain cleaner, it's all inspiring.

@Sarah - ok, I believe you now.

@Marie - Oh, don't cry!

@People in the sun - Dude,don't worry, it's artistic licence, it's plenty fun!

@Christa - Good luck with it!

@SciFi Dad - I DO try... !

@Stella - the end result is all that matters.

@Putz - You read ME and get confused? The irony.

@Karen MEG - Apparently so...!

@Horse Chick - Cheers, thanks!

@Deno - She does indeed!, she hasn't killed me yet anyway so thats a good sign.

@ORKMommy - Interesting.
I myself have a very good chiropractor, I will ask him when Im there next next time.

@James Austin - My game face makes her laugh.

@bsouth - her... or YOU!

@Christa - Yep, I'll check it out when I'm with him next.

@Veronica - I just piss on the same ones afterwards.

@Kori - Awww. thanks. ;0)

@Frogpondsrock - the number you have dialed is not in service.

@Maggie, dammit - Awww, she has her doubts though... ;0)

@Elfie33 - I'm here to educate!

@Tiff - broken mind? just hit it a slap, like the telly...

@Mrs LIAYF - Yes of course, it's vital to get from A to B.
Happy hour sounds good to me.

Not even having to check slimey, is slimey!

@Nola - Thank you, thats lovely to hear.

@Nukedad - dont forget the turkey baster!

@Mrs 4444 - yes, some funny buggers around here!

@Kelley - Do I have SLAVE written on my forehead?

@AnnD - Yep, weird.
We hadn't used temping as we used the OPKs, that should be enough!

We will do it now, to help us after the fact, so we will know of the OPKs are correct, which we doubted last month.

Yep, the bum goes up on a cushion, as for 'doing that herself', do you insinuate that I couldn't do it for her?
what a cheek!

AnnD said...

No, I would never insinuate that! I have no doubt that you satisfy her more than enough! But, after the deed is done and if she is in that just may be easier for her to do it herself once or maybe twice just to get your little soldiers closer to their destination. LOL! That's all I was saying. I can't believe I'm having this conversation with someone I've never met, in another country! Keep shootin' Tex!

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't relish checking my goo all that frequently, the poor woman's tubes must be knackered. You could include a rampant rabbit in there somewhere...

Anonymous said...

not yet boy, but it can be arranged.

Manager Mom said...

Well, if she gets bored, she can always look at the thermometer and think of the mother country, right?

Jo Beaufoix said...

Well you know, at least you're acknowledging her part in all of this. You're forgetting the standing on your head after sex bit to hold all the good stuff in though.

Anonymous said...

If all else fails; film all that and sell it as a porn flick.

Anonymous said...

***doggie style***

at least it will aim the little guys without legs in the right direction...

Martin said...

@AnnD - Oh you heartless wench...

@K8 the great - I could check it for you!
Rabbits intimidate me. Too fertile.

@Kelley - Tattooed.

@Manager Mom - I think the 'mother country' is more often used in terms of Germany...
Wouldn't get my juices flowing!

@Jo Beaufoix - Well it's only fair that she gets SOME credit I suppose.
She is involved in parts...

@Anja - Trust me, it would not.sell.well.

@Country Girl - That works for a tilted cervix, so I'm told.
We've only got a boring normal cervix at our disposal, unfortunately.

Jane G said...

I swear to God I am coming back as a man in the next life. If hubby wants to be my partner for all of eternity, he gets to draw the short straw next time!

Definately a good idea temping and knicker watching too. I think they are very reliable ways of tracking ovulation.

Good luck with your appointment, it's today, isn't it?

Martin said...

@Jane G - Yes, yes indeed it was today.

Yaniv said...

I'm surprised that you're just now starting to chart. Charting temperature (combined with checking and charting the amount and consistency of cervical fluid) can be an excellent predictor of ovulation, particularly after a couple of months when you would probably begin to notice patterns. Charting is also cheap and has no side-effects (unlike fertility treatments, on both counts). You may want to give this book a read: (links to

Good luck!

Dondi Tiples said...

Alternative remedies may just be the cure. Maybe you both should try "getting stabbed" with the accupuncture needle. Might re-direct all that chi to where its needed (yes, Spencer, I'm talking about you).

Anonymous said...

Fingers crossed!! And wouldn't ya know it, that's about all a man EVER does regardless of what the job is! LOL

Martin said...

@Rattling the kettle - We have bought that book.
We are also well aware of the benefit of charting, but the downsides are also considerable.
CM quality is very much open to interpretation, and a hell of a lot of factors affect temperatue.
The OPKs were intended to be more accurate.

Thanks for the input.

@Dondi Tiples - I've considered it.

@Kelly - Fingers crossed indeed, thank you.

Anonymous said...

You have such a way with words. Truly.

Martin said...

@Angel - Thanks, most of them start with "fuckin'" though lately.

B said...


I'm amazed you can even bring yourself to mention Mary, seeing as how she got it sorted with no work required at all.

Martin said...

@B - I think Mary saw our specialist...

DrSpouse said...

I think you should be seeing the acupuncturist too - Mr Spouse saw ours and (I quote) "it didn't hurt that much".

I'm not revealing where they stick the pins.

Martin said...

@drspouse - actually, I'd be more than happy to try it.
the practicioner where ET will go next week has listed semen quality as one of the benefits.