Wednesday 3 September 2008

Where can you buy a vagina wig?

Isn't stupidity simply captivating?

You know, like when you sit and laugh at your dog, who keeps eating nettles, getting stung, yelping like a country music fan, and then tries to eat the nettles again?

I think anyone who is still reading this drivel are the dog owners, and us two pillocks are the dopey mutts.

It's not even been two days since we got told by clinic #2 to run along like good little infertiles and not to be bothering the important people with silly things, like facts.

Nevertheless, we are sniffing out a nettle.

We have made an appointment to talk to clinic #1. Again.

In case you've forgotten, as we obviously have, clinic #1 have already put us through some uterus opening experiences, and told us to piss off, leaving us to the old hump n'hope method.

We are using the immaculate logic of hoping that they have forgotten what they said last time, that they have lost the ability to read a calendar, and that they have suddenly grown a bloody heart.

That being said, the doctor who we dealt with last time there, has left, so we have been assigned to a new doctor, so anything is possible. Right?

Anyway, if you want to see us getting laughed out of dodge one more time, be here next Tuesday, as that's when it's all going down.

Just ET, a telephone, and a mystery doctor.

You may think we are nuts, but this is a boost, a small thing to look forward to, even though nothing will come of it, most likely.

We have a big week and weekend of precisely timed, spontaneously preplanned, spur of the moment, ovulatory induced, 'hide the sausage' sessions ahead, so every little bit helps.

The boost that launched a thousand thrusts, so to speak.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a list to work through...


Susanica said...

Hi X-box buddy. You can totally fool the doctors. Get your stories strait and with full sincerity explain to the new doc that the old doc PROMISED that if you still hadn't conceived by early September that you were to come back and get the following tests (make them up--you probably know more about them than the doc at this time.)

Oh, and if you think this seems like lying, well you'd be wrong. It would be "misremembering" (and no member jokes please if you can hold yourself back.) ;-)

Oh, and the luck of Irish to ya. You know, "top 'o the morning to you and the rest 'o the day to me!" -Monica

Anonymous said...

I haven't commented before but have read for a bit. I say to lie about how long you've been trying so you fit their mold. Maybe they'll do something to help then. Can't hurt, right? Best of luck.

TentCamper said...

Good luck brotha!!! It will work out for you two.
Though I ould be 'hiding the salami' every moment that we were together....and times that she was not there...fillig cups and then making her stand on her head while I use a kitchen funnel to fill her up with my 'manseed.'


Anonymous said...

"We have... 'hide the sausage' sessions ahead".

I was going to make sausage for supper tonight.

Not anymore.

Thanks for nothing.


(P.S. Good luck with the new doc.)

Jason Roth said...

Good luck to you. Have some nice and fruitful humpin' too.

Kori said...

If you need a place to hide the sausage...LOL, totally kidding, I just had to take part in the risque stuff. I am all with Susanica. Lie away, my friend, you and ET both, and with any luck the new doc will have not just a heart but a set of balls at least as big as yours and be able to cut through the shit. But what does a vagina wig have to do with any of this?

Sarah said...

Dont take "piss off" as an answer! Demand that SOMETHING, anything be done! I mean what the crap did they do the extra schooling for?!?! To shake their heads and say "oops, sorry. I got nothing. My bad. Keep trying. It'll happen"
Fuck that. Pardon my potty mouth. Kick 'em in the shin if they even try to shoo you guys out.

Oh, and you could try
** I take NO responsibility for what might come up if you actually DO type that in your browser! I havent tried it myself. **

Julie D said...

I see you posting on Matt & Madeline's blog and just wanted to check yours out and say hi!!!!!

Russ said...

"hump and hope", great line!

Anonymous said...

YES! Lie about how many cycles it's been. LIE LIE LIE.


Anonymous said...

I don't think you're nuts at all - any port in a storm I say and if the crappy old doctor has gone then it's well worth trying new and improved doctor, frankly.

Oh, I don't think you're dopey mutts either. So there.

Anonymous said...

Hey mystery doctors are better than the same asshole telling you to just keep trying. I had the same specialist for 7 years and this time around I decided to change things up. Best move I made. Not that he was the one who knocked me up, but he was willing to do anything to get me through this.
Great News!

Anonymous said...

Good luck with the new doc! Bomb the bugger with your seed until something gives!

Anonymous said...

Yah! There's got to be a reason for the old one leaving. Maybe that reason is that he tells hopeful couples to go home and doesn't lift a medical finger in assistance..??

hump and hope.. I love that..if you added bitch to that phrase it would describe my existence with Mr Mustang.

Jo said...

I have no advice about fooling the hospital (I think that's what the vagina wig is for, but I don't think they remember that sort of detail - you'd need to try some of these

Anonymous said...

Fingers crossed. Very solemnly.

Chaos said...

HAHA hide the sausage! Very nice. I vote for new mysterious doctors than the same old crocs of crap who have no idea what they are talking about. Here's to you have a fruitful weekend.

Anonymous said...

Tonight I will raise my glass and give a toast to oodles of sperm for my friend Nappy! Cheers!

Stacy said...

hide the sausage lol

Anonymous said...

Ummm, try not to let the sausage sizzle too loses its juice after awhile! And, did I read you right yesterday...are you in Belgium or the Netherlands (as you mentioned 'Dutch')????

Maggie, Dammit said...

Wait, who are the dogs and the owners and the nettles and the doctors?

You know, it's not just your story we come here for. It's you.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

Ewww... I don't wanna know when the banging commences.


Anonymous said...

A new doctor? Well maybe this one will be more human than robot.

Fingers crossed.

Oh and have fun this weekend.

Amber said...

why at of course!

Good luck with the new doctor!

Serenity said...


hehehe... hide the sausage.

James (SeattleDad) said...

If I didn't know better from personal experience (a lot of it) I would wonder how the 'suasage sessions' could be made to sound like a chore. It would sound rather fun, but I know that when there is that goal involved, it takes on a whole new meaning. Have fun doin your chores, X.

Anonymous said...

so what's a nettle???

B said...

Just wondering, is this all costing money?

Anonymous said...

Here's hoping, X. Good luck with all of the above.

Anonymous said...

*waving an "I love xbox" flag*

Martin said...

@Susanica - You gotta love a member joke!

@Anonymous - Hi, & Welcome.
I would be very tempted, but as we've been there before, they have our records!

@Tent Camper - you may very well have just turned my stomach.
And thats not easy to do...cheers!

@Praying to Darwin - I like to think I can ruin any meal time.
You should see what I could do to your breakfast..

@iVegasFamily - Thanks! Nice we can manage, fruitful, not so much!

@Kori - ahhhh...the vagina wig is a disguise so they don't recognise who we are...

@Sarah - I am SO registering that domain name...

@Julie - Hi Julie, welcome. Hope you don't get scared off!

@Russ - I'm quite proud of that one actually.

@Christa - Lie, lie, lie? Christian America how are ya!

@bsouth - we can but try, same place, but different doctor. We expect the same outcome, but you never know.

@Deno - It would be a real benefit if we thought the doctor would have a real say in what happens, but it will most likely be another case of 'this is our policy' so....
We shall see.

@Joe - I'm presuming you don't mean bomb the doctor...;0)

@That girl - Mr mustang sounds like my kind of chap.

@Jothemama - they won't be fooled, nor do we intend to try, but it's a shot.

@nutsinmay - Why the solemn fingers?

@Chaos - cheers, thank you.

@Laurie - I can see that toast raising some odd looks from the dinner table...

@Snowmanpoop - try it!

@Hotmamamia - Yes indeed, living in Holland.

@Maggie, Dammit - Who is the nettle? who knows, I'm drunk woman.

@A whole lot of nothing - Then you are very probably in the wrong place....

@Veronica - Don't bank on it, but maybe. Outside chance.

@Amber - I'll have to give it a look! Thanks!

@Serenity - Seriously, try it!

@James Austin - We'll manage!

@Kittyconcerto - Oh dear me. Californian by any chance?

@B - Are you the taxman? It is indeed. Some covered by inurance, some not.

@Amy - Thank you madam!

@Marie - Microsoft would be SO proud!

River said...

Try tentcampers idea, but use a turkey baster instead of a funnel. Gets those swimmers right up where they should be. In huge quantities.

Anonymous said...

This is exactly what you should do! Bug the bloody hell out of them until the help you in order to just get rid of you!!

Excellent strategy!

Fe said...

Why not fool them all and try to get preggers withOUT playing hide the sausage?


(and hide that sausage!)

(I went through 5 years of infertility... was told to "buy a dog instead" by an IVF specialist.... and went to a herbalist whose treatment worked after only 3 months. 11 years ago I had a beautiful boy. 15 months later, I had another one. I wish the same success to you.)

V said...

Viel Gl├╝ck!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

There is a reason we keep coming back, you know and it's not for the visuals of hiding said sausage.

God love you, you lovable old mutt!

It's you we keep coming back for (okay, maybe it's fo the imagery too...just a little bit...what? I'm old and baby making sex is over for me).
Wishing every luck for you.

AnnD said...

I hope they grew a heart! Because forgetting what they said or forgetting how to read a calendar or only temporary solutions. If they actually grow a heart though...then they will be more likely to at least check for one of that damn blockages people have been talking about. AT LEAST do that Dr. Butthead! If she does have a blockage that ends up being unblocked, you'll probably have septuplets or something! Lots of little Xbox's and ET's running around! Ah! That will be a beautiful world!

AnnD said...

are, not or. Sorry!

B said...

Let me tell you how it will be;
There's one for you, nineteen for me.
'Cause I’m the taxman,
Yeah, I’m the taxman.

Should five per cent appear too small,
Be thankful I don't take it all.
'Cause I’m the taxman,
Yeah, I’m the taxman.

(if you drive a car, car;) - I’ll tax the street;
(if you try to sit, sit;) - I’ll tax your seat;
(if you get too cold, cold;) - I’ll tax the heat;
(if you take a walk, walk;) - I'll tax your feet.


'Cause I’m the taxman,
Yeah, I’m the taxman.

Jane G said...

I almost peed myself laughing when I read the title of this post.

Best of luck with the next doctor, hopefully they will have a bit more empathy.

Ed (zoesdad) said...

I'm with susanica---misremember pertinent facts.

Oh and as a side--no lie--I'm reading this and see the picture of Homer, I look at my quote of the day--it's Homer--"If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life is one crushing defeat after another....."

What does he know!

Putz said...

i really really really like susanica's suggestions....she must be really smart or real deavious or both, oh i just saw that her real name is monica...maybe you could say the old doc promised a new hot tub, and all your expense money basck if you still haven't conceived by september

Robin said...

The title of your blog left me in hysterics.... and I am at work.... and I work in a cube.

Good luck with Doctor #1 again. I won't tell you to lie, but I would suggest stretching the truth a bit.

Momo Fali said...

I feel good about this. A new doctor may be just what you guys need!

Captain Steve said...

Next Tuesday. I will be here and I fully expect a vagina wig, sunglasses with mustache and trenchcoat.

Anonymous said...

My work here is done.

Liz said...

I wait in anticipation. C U Next Tuesday. No, not like that.

Paddy in BA (Quickroute) said...

Good luck & pork that Sausage!

Karen MEG said...

Vagina wig... snort!
I'd say it's probably a good thing it's a new doctor.

Good luck!

Martin said...

@River - In huge quantities? what do you think I am? Some kind of sperm camel?

@Angel - Pester power!

@Fe - That herbalist sounds interesting! tell me more!

@Kathryn - Hartelijk Dank.

@Tiff - Thank you dear!

@AnnD - Dunno about beautiful, short and pale for sure though...

@B - Lennon?

@Jane G - Most likely not, but it will serve a purpose anyway at least.

@Ed - A genius, that Homer...

@Putz - Susanica and I are most likely related, so smart AND devious are likely!

@Robin - A yes, the work giggles, I know them well.

@Momo Fali - You're probably just still drunk.

@Captain steve - where does a fake nose fit on a vagina?

@RRP - Brilliant! just what we are looking for.

@Womb for improvement - Oooh Matron!

@Quickroute - a clonakilty pudding...

@Karen MEG - Thank you!

B said...

Harrison I think? I hope so anyway, I'll take my life if I referenced Lennon.

Anonymous said...

I say keep going to new docs til one HELPS! All the best!!

Martin said...

@B - Don't feel bad, everyone else tries to copy him!

@Nola - That's what we have, and will continue to do...