Tuesday, 15 April 2008

"And here is the opening to your uterus"

My ears burned red as she said the words, I couldn't move my head, so I just stared at my fingers.

If I turned around I was going to get another eyeful of ET's pink bits winking cheekily at me, and if I looked upwards I was staring at the reflection of her uterine opening in the doctor's display case.

What happened to being asked to step out of the room?
I'm a fairly easy going sort of chap when it comes to such matters, but I don't need to, want to, nor have the ability to stomach having to, watch this Dutch lady use my wife as a glove puppet.

One good thing about this impromptu internal examination during our first meeting with the reproductive specialist, was that she had a good look with an ultrasound, and took smashing pictures of my wife's ovaries, eggs and bladder.
I was tempted to take a copy to pass off to my friends as a 12 week scan just to prove my point that you can't tell what's in those pictures anyway.

'Is that a penis?'
'No, it's a fallopian tube'

I guess these pictures could be used to support our case as potentially fit parents to "fate's department of social services".
'...and here is where it will sleep'.

The long and short of it all, ET is is perfect working order, and its my gammy gonads once again in the spotlight.

Just before she had to climb into the stirrups, we were subjected to the type of questioning that I've only previously had from my buddies after a dozen pints or so.

'Any secret children ?'
'No'

'Do other members of your family have children?'
Oh rub it in why don't you, you hag. 'Yes, I've 18 nieces and nephews'.

'Have you ever had any sexually transmitted diseases?'
'You mean, aside from regret?' I thought to myself. 'No, no diseases'.

'How often do you have sex?'
'Like, with each other or just by myself? because thanks to you lot that's really starting to affect the averages'. Eventually we just explained our various approaches.

'Are you experiencing any emotional issues from not conceiving?'
'Click here, bitch, and you tell me'

ET took over the answering from that point.

Actually, she wasn't a bitch, she was even quite nice, as long as I dismiss the fact she was further inside my wife than I've ever been.
She even took the time to go through my first man milking results, and pointed out, (just as I did, so there) that the lower motility is offset by the high count and good volume.

She awaits my second set of results, later this week.

A quick blood sample (from me) later, we arranged for ET to have some blood drawn later in this cycle, and made a follow up appointment for 4 weeks when we get down to the nitty gritty.

By the time we got to the reception desk, the 4 weeks became 6, so it seems Spencer has enough time for at least one more shot, before I have to open the last thing handed to me today, the information pack on Intra Uterine Insemination.

Fuck me, this IS getting serious...

30 comments:

Hilary (The Trying Game) said...

It all starts with the first appointment. This is a good thing! You're on your way :)

Glad to hear everything went well.

And also glad to hear that the doctor agreed with us on the higher volume offsetting the lower motility!

Can't wait to see how this all turns out :)

Always thinking of you guys.

Foreigner by Default said...

Just to tip your fragile balance even further - now that you have a full overview of your wifes lady bits, imagine something reminding a gore-covered hairy football making it's way through there.

And maybe throw in episiotomy scissors as well, just to make it more exciting.

Cause you're that step closer to the beautiful miracle of birth...

Roth Family Adventures said...

My comment was going to basically say what foreigner by default beat me in saying. It's one thing to see your wifes pink parts, but it's another thing to see her squeezing a little person out of there.

Married Leos said...

Ahhh artificial insemination I remember it well. It was not so pleasant for the wife since she had to give herself fertility shots before the planting of the seeds. But hey it worked out for us we got two girls from it.

Ashley said...

The book! The book! Try that this next cycle! I'm insistent!

I'm glad your appt went rather well, don't let the IUI scare you...

xoxo
Ash

Kori said...

Okay, a glove puppet? That is some funny shit! : )

Calli's Mama said...

Hey, they might have a c-section too. I distinctly remember a conversation going like this in the operating room:

Doc: What do you see? (trying to get struglas to announce our baby's sex)

Struglas: My wife's guts!

So...take your pick...pink parts or guts...again..the miracle of child birth...

Captain Steve said...

I have a cousin on one side and an aunt on the other who both did the insemination bit. Part of the reason I claim not to want to have kids is because I am genetically fucked. Congrats on your excellent volume.

The Immoral Matriarch said...

I always get here too late. Everyone's already taken all the clever and funny stuff.

Russ said...

FBD has it right! Luckily we (by which I mean my wife) escaped the scissors on the second go around.

Hunker down my friend, it will end sooner or later.

Misty said...

I so remember this process. IT SUCKED... Although, both my husband and I handled it all cloaked heavily in denial and depression. you are so witty... And so far so good, right?

ORKMommy said...

I've been lurking here for a while but today is the first time I've commented. I found you through Dad Gone Mad!

You are one of the funniest blog writers I've encountered. I can understand the frustration you've gone through to a degree as we just went through an ectopic pregnancy. We plan on trying again, but we're scared to death. I only wish I could write about our experience with the same wit you have.

Hang in there buddy! I bet Spencer just hasn't met the right egg yet. When he does, he'll do the job! AND you'll get to experience all the other lovely things everyone here has talked about!

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

Uhhh... Why the fudge are you looking at ETs bits in the stirrups?

That's not right...

justmylife said...

Oh, the scissors, Hubby lost his lunch because of them. His advice, if you hear the sound of manual hedge clippers, DON'T LOOK!!!!! Good Luck, Glad everything went well with the visit.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Hilary - Yes absolutely. On reflection it must be seen as positive. The first step.

@Foreigner by default - a hairy football... You do know that all American readers are wondering what kind of funny shaped kid you have about now...

@Roth Family Adventures - If that EVER happens, I don't intend to watch.
I hope to venture back there myself some day.

@Married Leos - that makes her sound like a Heifer...
You should write up the story, I for one would love to hear it.

@Ashley - I may stuggle to get the ENTIRE book covered in one cycle ;0)

@Kori - One of my personal favourites !

@Calli's Mama - Funnily enough, I could handle seeing, say, her intestines, but not via the south tunnel.

@Captain Steve - I know what its like to have to claim you don't fancy having kids. Not nice.
Good luck.

@Immoral Matriarch - You're gonna have to come up with something, sometime woman....

@Russ - Hunker down, now there's one angle we haven't tried...

@Misty - don't be entirely fooled, there are plenty of bad moods and sulks happening around here, it's just nice to get it out in my 'normal' manner too.

@ORKMommy - I've followed you home.

@Awholelotofnothing - of course it's not bloody right, one minute we are totting up cases of genital herpes and the next she's got ET up in the saddle...

@Justmylife - I've lost my lunch just reading that, thanks for the well wishes.

Putz said...

do i qualify for being a friend and do i get a picture????

IEAT_SNOWMANPOOP said...

I'm sure the wife didn't like it anymore than you did.

I always found it ironic when I went to the dr that being half naked with your feet up in stirrups with some dude that you don't even know feeling you up wasn't actually as appealing as it sounds.

nola said...

Ah, good times! I remember our first visit to the specialist and that impromptu look-see. Afterward, my hubby said to me that he expected his witnessing of my first girl-on-girl with a dildo to be more exciting.

Things should zip along now!! But you WILL check ALL modesty at the door!!

Jeremy Neal said...

Have you tried ice baths? Followed by scorching hot showers? Jello pudding pops? I don't really know what I'm talking about, but it sounds like your doctor may not either???

Hockeyman said...

DUDE! Top half TOP HALF! I am a proud captain of the top half dad's club. Get used to it by the way, when she does get knocked up you'll start to wonder where the fine print is at the OB/GYN office that stated your wife's bits were fair game for anyone to come by and have a look. Seriously, the tiles above the exam table are painted for a reason!

Jayne said...

Watch out - once our pink bits have been on display to all and sundry it's the man's turn next!!!

Deb said...

"...further inside my wife than I've ever been." That just gave me the shivers.

Don't fear the IUI. I have a kid today because of it. Plus, it's brilliant blogging material. You'll see.

Veronica said...

The things we do for children.

Lori said...

I seriously believe that if you can hold on to your sense of humor you can muddle through anything.
I've no doubt you and ET will get through all this, with a sweet little bundle as the grand prize.
And lots more stories to tell about the delivery, and the ice chips, and the scissors. Our close friends did the IUI route and got gorgeous twin girls, then a boy a few years later the "usual" way.
With all these people pulling for you - it's going to be OK.

And orkmommy, I had an ectopic pregnancy after my first kid. They told me I had a 30% chance of ever conceiving again. Then we got a surprise package in the form of our second kid. I'm happy to share any info I can with you.

Tracey said...

When this is all over, and you have a cute set of boy/girl twins, you MUST write a book. You absolutely crack me up!

struglas said...

i have to say your taking all this much better than i would have. good work my man.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Putz - You want a picture of my wife's uterus. You have to be a REALLY good friend for that.

@Snowmanpoop - well it doesn't raise my gander anyway, that's for sure.

@Nola - Modesty hasn't lived here for a long time now. Would it be inappropriate for me to bring a dildo along next time?

@Jeremy Neal - This doctor knows what shes doing. Or dies.

@Hockeyman - spoken like a pro. I was just a 'rookie'

@Jayne - I've been under the microscope twice to date...

@Deb - It gave ET the shivers too, at least I hope it was a shiver...
You can't beat good blog fodder.

@Veronica - A.M.E.N.

@Lori - Nice reassurance, thank you.

@Tracey - I don't know what's funnier, the idea of twins or me writing a flipping book. I haven't the discipline to handle either...

@Stuglas - Spoken like a dude who DOESN'T HAVE TO! thanks ;-)

Tyler @ Building Camelot said...

You have a great scene of humor about all this and that's extremely important. I'm glad to hear that you guys are taking the next step - and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

the planet of janet said...

my husband was once asked to look at "the object of (his) affections" ... oh GAWD, the doctor meant MY CERVIX.

it was a moment to remember.

Sarah said...

That was just your FIRST visit with the specialist?! Now I'm getting scared....