Thursday 6 November 2008

Notes from a post surgical desert

Bed - 7:02am

Dear Ellie,

We've left several messages, could you please get back to us as soon as is possible.
Please note that you have previously been warned that you are supposed to inform us if you are going to be away for any extended period.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Train to work - 8:58am

Dear Reproductive Organs,

Hang in there guys.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

My desk - 11:14am

Dear Blog Conscience,

It's come to my attention that the recent enforced suspension of trying to conceive activity on our part makes it somewhat difficult to write anything worthwhile for a trying to conceive blog.

"Never stopped you before" you say? - bite me.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Staring out the window - 1:09pm

Dear Red Menace,

Due to unforeseen circumstances this month, we would like to request your attendance at your earliest convenience.
Your arrival and subsequent departure would be met with gratitude and greatly appreciated

No, it's not a trick.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Basement level gents bathroom - 3:42pm

Dear Spencer,

Don't go towards the light.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Bus home - 5:31pm

Dear Texter,

I can read the message you are typing, you really should be more discreet.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Bus home - 5:32pm

Dear Text Recipient,

Change the sheets, you're going to score.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Bus home - 5:33pm

Dear Texter's Husband,

Your son's skin colour is probably not a throwback, she's not working late, and you may have an STD.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Couch - 7:19pm

Dear ET,

You look positively ravishing in that torn tracksuit pants and top with fresh lasagna stains.

Care to...?

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Bathroom - 9:01pm

Dear Right Hand,

Don't you dare.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Bed - 11:20pm

Dear Erectus Nonclimaxicus, Greek god of enforced abstinence,

Help me.


Anonymous said...

"Dear Erectus Nonclimaxicus, Greek god of enforced abstinence,

Help me."

I think you'd be better off instead worshipping Boxus Kleenex along with a DVD of Sextus Vixen fecit Sextet Novum.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

I know way too much about your thought process for a healthy, non-committed, intercontinental platonic relationship.

Please stop the mental imagery.

Your Whore

MommyHeadache said...

why not try having one of those new fangled interior orgasms, tantric ones, Sting style...a rush of pleasure that flows through the body like heroin...??
then thou wilt not spilleth thy seed? Or too much like hard work?

Jenni said...

Hilarious post. And if, as a nearly nine months pregnant mother of a 17-month-old, I could even remember sex, I'm sure I'd sympathize. I mean, seriously, are people still doing it?

Russ said...

I don't know geeksinrome, Tubus Soxus is very popular among the teens here.

Xbox, you make me laugh. When you all get pregnant, you will have to publish your memoirs and then retire early.

Anonymous said...

Poor Texter's husband.

Lucky Textee.

Poor, poor Spencer.

Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

Good lord you are hilarious

Kori said...

I wish I could have teh chance to go home and change MY sheets! Just in case! I really can't top your own words, therefore will stop trying.

Lea said...

It's gonna seem like a long cycle, poor thing. How are those temps coming along?

Anonymous said...

I'm so amused. How many more days til the Red Menace is supposed to reappear?

James (SeattleDad) said...

Funny post Xbox-
But in the Gents bathroom? You surely could have waited...

Perhaps not.

Anonymous said...

Hope no-one was looking over your shoulder while YOU were typing. They would be rather concerned for your mental welfare I would think.

So was it the lasagne stains or torn clothing that stirred your loins?


Marissa said...

i like your thought process.

let me send you some porn.

texters husband is probably knocking it with the nanny anyway...

Martin said...

@geeksinrome - you kind of scare me with your knowledge of latin based porn.

@A whole lot of nothing - Carpets. Go. Now.

@EmmaK - Can't I just lie back?

@Jenni - show off....

@Russ - retire early, like, before letterman starts?

@gnomespeak - a martyr that boy is.

@Hilary - Oh it's ok for you to laugh over there!

@Kori - you never know!

@Lea - the temps are the same, no spike.
About half a degree (celcius) lower than they should be at this stage of the cycle.

A long cycle indeed.

@Marie - today is CD23, so typically by next Tuesday at the latest.

@James Austin - He didnt go to the light!

@Tismee2 - that would be telling!

@Marissa - homemade?

Zoeyjane said...

Um, so it's fine to limit the habits of righty, but lefty has free reign? Separtist!

Anonymous said...

a textual voyeur now? what next xbox?

Chaos said...

Busy day. I'm beginning to become concerned. Lower Gents bathroom? Welcoming the red menace?

Liz said...

Dear Xbox,

Surely it doesn't mean complete cessation of marital relations? I believe they produce very effective one-use forms of contraception nowadays.

Or as our French doctor helpfully informed us "use a sheeeefff"

Sarah said...

I had read that the laparoscopy could delay the period. Great. Juuust great.

Hope ETs shows up soon.

Sandra said...

You are a worry!

Putz said...

i guess it would be easier to not do your duty and let the hand do the ought to read justmylife blog she talks about her little missy coming home from school and one of her 13 year old classmates explained the deed this way...holding her hand with the thumb and the first finger making a big 0 and then the first finger of the other hand entering the o...

Maggie, Dammit said...

Computer screen, USA, mouth agape:

Dear Xbox,

I. love. you.

Ms. Moon said...

Do you guys use the word "horny" over there in your land?
You define the term. In such a charming way.

Anonymous said...

You are priceless.

To be able to write pieces like this with such irony/humour etc. on such an important topic for you.

"Dear Erectus Nonclimaxicus, Greek god of enforced abstinence,

Help me."

You are a legend and your children are going to have fantastic parents.

ali said...

nothing witty to say back.
you are too funny. nearly fell out of my chair laughing.

and you better watch out asking marissa if it'll be homemade ;)

Anonymous said...

:D You're funny.
This non-shaggy month is good practice for when she's preggers. ;)

Anonymous said...

I hear that socks are good... no, seriously, this guy I know told me they were ideal know, that kind of self pleasuring.

Tara R. said...

You will be so glad you have all this written down. One day you'll wrap it up, put a pretty picture on the front and be an other night best seller.

Anonymous said...

Dude, grab the lube and love it before you go politely insane. It can't hurt.

WhatAboutNovember said...

Hi. I'm leaving you another comment with my snazzy new blog link. *smirk*
-the commenter formerly known as "Marie"

Anonymous said...

I have to say... I NEED some sex...
happily for me... we have now decided it is time to have another baby!!!

Paddy in BA (Quickroute) said...

Wanker! ;-)

Anonymous said...

Dear ET,

You have my sympathies. How you haven't killed him yet is beyond me.

Dear BoxBoy,

Don't tell people to bite you. They will see it as a come on. Trust me. I know this.

C said...

Funny should really think about writing a book. It will be a best seller (in the infertility best seller list)

Jane G said...

I'm getting funny looks in my office for sniggering out loud.

Brilliant post!

Jo Beaufoix said...

Snort. Ok, erm think of Margaret Thatcher naked? Or Gordon Brown, or Keuth Chegwin. You know who they are right?

River said...

Now that was a funny post. Still is.....

A Free Man said...

I've come to love the city bus for its voyeuristic potential.

AnnD said...

Try to hold in in man! Let all of your soldiers build in their number. All of that humpin' and hopin' has made you an addict I believe! ;O)

Anonymous said...

Good thing we aren't planning on anymore kids, because I lost one of my "creation orbs" from laughing. Guess you can call me Lefty from now on.

Anonymous said...

So not only are you all about YOUR meeting in the sheets or suspension of, now your all about OTHERS romps in the unclean sheets. Nice.

Martin said...

@Zoeyjane - It's like my very own proposition 8

@Joe - a channel 5 show about it

@Chaos - You're not the only one!

- It does when the wife is knackered

@Sarah - It will bugger up our calendar!

@TW - How very British of you!

@Putz - I read that, scary.

@Maggie, Dammit - Mouth Agape? you lot have some funny town names over there.

@Ms Moon - I think it's in our national anthem.

@Widdle Shamrock - A legend eh? must get myself a golden fleece.

@Alicat413 - Why do you think I asked her specifically!

@Amy - Don't say things like that!

@Tiff - Whoever told you that was a damn fool!

@Tara R - "How NOT to start a family"

@Anja - The pope would frown.

@WhataboutNovember - Yay!

@UrbanVox - You ARE actually allowed try it other times too!

@Quickroute - If only...

@Kelley - Bite Me.

@Chhandita - That's not a very long list I reckon!

@Jane G - I wish I could understand you people more, I'd be rich.

@Jo Beaufoix - Mmmmm, Maggie in Fishnets...

@River - and now, still?

@A Free Man - The one I get at the moment is horribly suburban, but there is occasionally the odd gem of a creature to observe on it.

@AnnD - That is very true, you become used to the frequency I think.

@NukeDad - It's my plan to sterilise every male reader by Christmas...

@Kittyconcerto - Nice indeed!

Karen MEG said...

Bwuah-ha-ha-ha .... lasagna and a track suit, eh? Hell, whatever works for ya ;)

Missives From Suburbia said...

Wishing for the Red Menace? Wow. I don't think I've EVER done that. Well, not since I was about 20 anyway.

B said...

eh... get one of those ball and cup yokes, they'll distract you from anything!

Anonymous said...

Damn! All the good comments are taken...
So I will just have to leave a mediocre one *sigh*



Laski said...

Oh, to just spend a day, hell, an hour in that mind.

The crazy things we'd see.

You take wit, charm and a wee bit of snark to a whole new level.

NH Yocal said...

Man, you are still killing me. Enforced abstinence? Damn, you've got some will power!

Anonymous said...

Use your left hand. It'll feel like someone else. Especially if you runit under the cold tap first.

I'm sorry. I can't believe I just wrote that.

Martin said...

@Karen MEG - Don't knock it until you've tried it...

@Missives from suburbia - the universe is upside down...

@B - Is that what yer gran used to day?

@Frogpondsrock - you'd think being in Australia you'd get here before everyone else?

@Laskigal - I'd let you in, but I'm afraid the Austrian midgets I have in there would try to escape.

@Melinda Zook - Hi stranger!

@Nutsinmay - you know what, I actually can't believe you've said that either.
Do you kiss your mother with those, er, , wait...

Momo Fali said...

E.T. is already wearing Mom outfits, complete with stains. Come on Spencer, get with the program.

Anonymous said...

Jeez, you are inspiring...I'm not quite solid on all the things you are inspiring me to do, but inspiring, nonetheless...

Martin said...

@Momo Fali - Spencer is a deaf sonofagonad.

@Hotmamamia - Do I dare even venture as to how you were inspired...

Bluestreak said...

hilarious, xbox.