Friday 2 January 2009

Out with the old, in with the old

That is how the saying goes isn't it?

Well never fear, on New Year's day evening, the cycle came to an end.

We've had visitors for a couple of days so we had to keep it together, but now that they are gone, it can all fall apart again.

I'm really annoyed this time, pissed off, I feel cheated now. We had a really good Christmas, did everything we should do, we even 'relaxed', and now, still, nothing.

January is bleak at the best of times but it's really not too inviting right now.

I hate using the term 'deserve' but stuff it, we deserve better now.

Twenty two cycles gone, no explanation turned up, nothing found, and not even a sniff of a pregnancy.

It's two months until we can see the specialist about further assistance.

I have no idea how we are supposed to be hopeful or upbeat about the coming two cycles before then, there is nothing that gives us any confidence now that we can do this naturally.

Today, I'm more sour than I imagined possible.


Anonymous said...

The only thing that comes to mind is swear words, but I'm sure you've already covered all of those that I know, and probably some that I don't.

I'm so sorry, X. Go kick something. Hard.

Momo Fali said...

I'm sorry for your sourness. I wish there was something to say to make things easier. Just a way to understand why this is happening. My wish for you is a 2009 filled with good things...most of all, a bun in the oven.

Sarah said...

Like I said,
Shit! And I am so so sorry.

You both really DO deserve better than this! So much better. I wish I could say something to make it OK. But I know there is no such thing.

Darragh said...

Like the others, I have no idea what to say. I admire you both greatly for your perseverance and wish you luck. I suppose it's all I can do.

Ian Newbold said...

You have been so positive through all your cycles thus far, I am sure you will be through the next couple.

January is just rubbish.

Keep your pecker up, in every sense.

swilek said...

I guess words come except those of my mother to my friend who was infertile. My mom had no idea this couple was infertile as they already had one child. This friend and hubby were moving so my mother wished them well and a..." you know what they say, new house new baby." Wouldn't you know, 10 years after their first child, they gave birth to another baby in their new house - approx. 9 months later. Who knew my mom was psychic!!:) Don't give up and maybe try a new house!!:)

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

How am I supposed to cheer you up? Do I need to flash you? That surely crack you up.

loveyh said...

Here's hoping for a new year without the same shite you've been going through. I'm still on Team Hope n' Hump, crossing all my appendages for you both.

unmitigated me said...


Elaine at Matters of the Heart) said...

I just felt like crying for the two of you... Nothing else to say. My heart goes out to you.

Yo-yo Mama said...

At the risk of saying something completely stupid (to keep consistent), why not allow yourself to take this next cycle off? I mean, count it as cycle 23, but don't chart.

You two do deserve to get your hearts desire, but you also deserve to take a break. Have sex for fun. At least I've heard it can be fun.

Ms. Moon said...

Well you know, this is what medical science is for. It's like with childbirth itself- things usually go well and "as they should" and fantastic! You have a lovely healthy baby with little need for intervention. However, sometimes things don't go well and then it's time to call in the doctors and their knowledge and so forth.
I know that you have heard this over and over again and that hearing it probably makes you want to spit fire, but the patience you are having to learn will come in quite handily when you do (and I believe you will) have that child you want so badly.
But having said all of that- I'm sorry.

Kori said...

Well fuck. you certainly won't hear ME talk about learning patience, becuase I think it is just a load of shit that keeps getting piled on you.

Russ said...

You're Irish, go drink a pint or six.

1A said...

Well, crap. That sucks. I don't know what else to say.

People in the Sun said...

Screw 2008. Long live 2009.

Anonymous said...

That really sucks.

Sounds like you guys are in the same space as me and my better half. Was really hoping for a Christmas miracle.

Again, we are disappointed.

It really is a fucking roller coaster.

Sue said...

Fuck life. sorry... nothing else I wrote sounded good enough. Fuck 'em Fridays.

You DO deserve it, dammit. No use mincing words. Call a spade a spade and tell whatever you're up against to go to hell. Get angry, get mad. Hell, why not? Don't be concerned with prim and proper this time. You have a right to let it out raw.

Anonymous said...

Let's long and will, I know.

MissyBoo said...

Hugs to you both. All I can say is this really sucks, but I hope 2009 is the year you get all you wish for.

anymommy said...

Bleh. I've got nothing for you. I'm sorry. I really really wanted 2009 to start off with a different kind of post here. I know you did too. Wishing you luck and a baby and if not, then for these two months to pass quickly so you can move forward with the specialist.

Miss Awesome said...

So sorry :( Hope 2009 will bring you this baby. Because you REALLY do deserve it.

Veronica Foale said...

I'm swearing over here on your behalf. Gah, it's not fair.

Karen MEG said...

Sour comes with the territory, unfortunately. Apparently I invented the ultimate sour face when we were TTC... very scary indeed.

I hope things turn around and your mood gets better. Maybe stick the lemon in a cerveza... beer is good medicine.

Marissa said...

well fuck.

fuck 2008.

i'm so sorry.


IrishNYC said...

:( I can't believe you have to wait so long to see someone after the long road you've been down. I hope the time goes by quickly. I cannot wait for you to kick the arse of infertility.

AnnD said...

I'm so fucking sorry, man. You do deserve better. I hate this for you.

C said...

My cycle ended on the 1st too, great start eh? Well am off to fill out those adoption forms...

WhatAboutNovember said...


it's like when it's raining and you're still 30 minutes walk from your home. there's nothing to do but tuck your chin into your collar and just keep trudging along. it's a little better if there are people around who love you. it doesn't make you less cold or less wet. just less alone.

Liz said...

Damn. I'm sorry.

All that flu-humping for nowt.

Megan said...

I understand your feelings more than you probably know. Prayers that you get some answers when you're *finally* able to meet with the specialist. But even more prayers that you get your little miracle before then!

Anonymous said...

Dude, your comments are starting to look like mine.

With all the fuck-ing and shit-ing..

So I will join in. Cause it is fun.


Making Babies said...

That just sucks!!! F-ing sucks!!! thinking of you both. x

River said...

oh Bugger! I'm so sorry. What Bonnie B said. Kick something, but kick something soft, don't want any broken toes...

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry, my friend.
There is nothing really to say, no witty comebacks or words of wisdom. Nothing that will take any of the pain away.

Just Sorry and I wish it were different.

Korie said...

Do you have to try every cycle? Like, can't you guys cheat and take a break for a month and not tell the doc you didn't have sex regularly during ovulation?
I mean, you both must need a break so badly by now.

nh said...

I'm sorry - no words beyond that except - chocolate and alcohol. It won't solve any thing but would make you (or at least ET) feel better in the short term.

Take care and feel sour if that's how you feel!

Anonymous said...

Ok I've heard that patience is a virtue, but this is fucking ridiculous. Say Good Luck to Spencer for me?

Anonymous said...

Son of a whore.

Sorry X.

Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry pet. That's rotten. January is a crap month for bad things to happen. February and March aren't much better. I hope you can hold it together for 2 more months. Oh yes, and SHIT. Like they all said already.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I'm just a stranger, lurker on your blog (which I love so much because it's written by a MAN!). But I was thinking along the lines of a couple of other commenters. Why not take a break for the next two months until you go back to see the specialist? Sex only for fun, or even no sex at all. (Well, since you're a man, that's probably not so much an option.) I'm certainly not saying "if you just stop tyring, it'll happen". No way. Due to low sperm count, we finally conceived on our second IVF attempts after several years of sourness. Love the word "sour". Perfect description to a perfectly horrible state of mind.

We're all feeling sour with you. When your perfect child comes to you in it's own perfect time, most of the sourness will dissipate. Know that you are not bearing all of this pain alone. Lots of us are or have been right where you are.

Thanks for sharing!
Rockwall, TX

James (SeattleDad) said...

It's a New Year Xbox, hopefully that will bring new success with it as well. I will be rooting for you all the way.

Leslie Laine said...

I completely identify with you, even down to the cycle start - our cycle ended on 1/31 as well. My husband (who is a doctor, so I do believe most of what he says - ha ha) is trying to convince me that "unexplained infertility" is the optimal diagnosis and actually means the greatest chance that we're going to be successful at some point. He says that we're fortunate in that way because we haven't had to start and stop based on a medical diagnosis (i.e. blocked tubes) and that scientifically speaking, unexplained gives us the highest odds of success. Don't know if this is helpful because I for one am trying not get swept up in New Year's positivity (please), but I wanted to share this with you all because your experience is somewhat relevant to ours.

Here's to another year of living, probably more of the old, more of the same with maybe a twinge of something miraculous. And, I honestly believe conception is a MIRACLE at this point.

Anonymous said...

This 'sour' you're talking about is it a Jaffa sour or a Grapefruit sour?

I'd blame the Lemsip for it personally, try the blackcurrant next time!

Sorry, I'm trying to cheer you up -badly!

Mama Smurf said...

I hope 1. the next 2 months go by quickly and 2. the specialist holds the optimistic key for you.

Jane G said...

Aw shite. Really sorry to hear that.

Maggie, Dammit said...

I'm so sorry, love.

Anonymous said...

Hmm. I posted a long comment and the internets ate it. Grr.

I just wanted to say how sorry I was this is taking so long for you, two bloody years of frustration and not knowing why. The Universe has heard of the concepts of 'fairness' and 'enough already' and is clearly having no truck with either of them. Bastard Universe.

Jason Roth said...

I'm sorry to hear that another both will go by. You definitely deserve more than what you're being dealt.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry. Shite.

Take it from someone who went through IVF after 22 unsuccessful cycles (due to severe male IF, as it would turn out)to have a baby - once you DO get pregnant and eventually hold your precious baby in your arms, all this will just seem like a bad dream. I promise. In the meantime; have a drink. Hell, have two.

March can't come quickly enough, I'm sure.


Jo Beaufoix said...

So sorry xbox. Sending good thoughts to you and ET.

Alyssa said...

I have taken a break from reading your blog and I was so hopeful when I clicked on it to return today that I would find some good news. I know no one is more hopeful than you.

Hang in there.

Mrs4444 said...

Sorry, friend. It's just not fair. Wish I could help.

Anonymous said...

Sour grapes, make for fabulous wine.

Anonymous said...

Xbox, I just can't believe this. You truly do deserve better than this shite. I am lost for words and can only imagine the disappointment. It's all so draining and it can very easily make you bitter to the core. It's okay to get angry, do whatever relieves some of the pressure.

Bluestreak said...

Dammit. Your doctor deserves a punch in the nuts for making you guys wait two more months.

Buck up though Xbox, 2009 IS going to be better.

Sarah said...

Not that anything can make you feel better, but just know we're in the exact same situation. Now in cycle 24, with all tests coming back with nothing wrong, all we can do is hope. Because complete happiness could just be another month away. All the best of luck, after all this is a big game of odds.

Unknown said...

Hello, have been reading for a few months, and have been hoping every time I drop by to see good news. Am wishing you all the best for 2009. Good luck x

Martin said...

@Bonnie B. - Have done!

@Momo Fali - Thanks Momo.

@Sarah - I do hate the word deserve. Thanks.

@Darragh - Cheers Darragh.

@Single Parent Dad - I'm not 100% sure, but who knows. Thanks.

@swile67 - We are about 18 months in our new home now....

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - vomit.

@loveyh - Thanks very much.

@Middle Aged Woman - Exactly!

@Elaine - Don't be worrying, thank you.

@DD - Nice idea, but entirely impossible. Sex isn't a problem, getting pregnant is.

@Ms. Moon - We've been patient long enough I think though.

@Kori - LOL. Thanks.

@Russ - Good old stereotypes!

@Becky - Not a lot TO say really!

@People in the Sun - well, 12 months long anyway.

@S - Horrible at this point isn't it? no forwards, no going back. Best of luck to you.

@Sue - I really don't think there's any ranting left to do. It's crap, sad, and we all just have no choice.

@hotmamamia - Not according to my life assurance.

@M+B - Thank you.

@anymommy - We certainly did, hope March comes fast.

@Big Momma Pimpalishisness - That word again. But thanks very much.

@Veronica - no, it's not fair.

@Karen MEG - I'll be alcoholic at this rate.

@Marissa - Thanks.

@IrishNYC - Procedures. Based on best practice. All good, but not very helpful right now.

@AnnD - Thanks Ann.

@Chhandita - If it's what you want I wish you the best of luck.

@WhatAboutNovember - Almost like that, except its raining and you have NO IDEA how far is left to go.

@womb for improvement - bastard thing.

@Megan - Thanks.

@Kelley - Foulmouthed bitch.

@Making Babies - It certainly does. Thanks.

@River - Toes are overrated anyway.

@tiff - I know. Thanks.

@Lilacspecs - Well, we're not trying for the specialist's sake, we're trying for ours. But we're trying and getting hopeful when the facts are very much against us now.

@nh - Thanks.

@K8 the Gr8 - Patience is a card game, nothing more.

@RRP - Will try.

@bsouth - No choice but to, really.

@AOTexas - Thanks, and welcome. Not trying isn't an option really is it?

It's like having two free scratch cards and trying not to scratch them even though you know it's almost impossible.

@James Austin - So was 2008! thanks.

@Leslie Laine - I hear you. I swing between being glad it's 'unexplained' and not. 'Something' can be treated. 'Unexplained' can not.

All the best to you.

@Tismee2 - Milk.

@Mama Smurf - Me too. Thanks.

@Jane G - thanks Jane.

@Maggie, Dammit - Us too. Cheers.

@nutsinmay - The 'nothing' is getting to me. Not even a sniff of 'something' you know? Thanks.

@iVegasFamily - Keep on, I guess.

@expatswede - Out of curiosity, did you go through the 22 cycles before finding out it was MFI? That's nuts, pardon the pun.

@Jo Beaufoix - Thanks.

@Alyssa - No such luck. Thanks.

@Mrs4444 - Me too!

@Joe - I have found a lovely italian white.

@Deno - Hope you are keeping good!

@Bluestreak - Hmmm, very confident there!

@Sarah - Oddly, I'm almost glad to hear of others the same. Best of luck to you guys. Welcome.

@Miranda - That's so very true, 3 to 4 weeks from now everything COULD be perfect. Just that small chance keeps us going.
Thanks, and welcome.

I Am Emily... said...

I banged my head on the computer desk when I read that. I thought you said 'sore' not 'sour' so I thought I should be 'sore' as well.

Anonymous said...

Box, you know where I stand. I love you, wee fellow from far away. And I do try to hold off the vast majority of my opinions from the vastness of my vast experience, but, sometimes, I can't stop myself. I re-read one of my favorites of your posts, quod-erat-demonstrandum. You say that pregnancy is hope. What do you hope for? Seriously, you need to continue the self-questioning on this one, buddy, because you cannot see the forest for the trees, and it's breaking your heart and your spirit. SEE THE FOREST! SEE THE FOREST!

Anonymous said...

Well I'm not going to beat around the bush and blow sunshine up your ass.

I know how it feels and it fucking blows. Mine came to an end the day after Christmas. Fucking Christmas miracles my ass.

It's ok to be sour and it's ok to say you deserve it.

Hoping the next 2 months fly by.

B said...

"January is bleak at the best of times but it's really not too inviting right now."

I thought it was the optimistic month?
...Unless you bought a car a month earlier, discovered you hated it and wanted to sell it on ASAP.

Dondi Tiples said...

My sentiments exactly. I hate Januarys. We're all down with the flu.

You keep plugging.

Martin said...

@Tanya - Don't go doing damage now...

@Laurie - I know what you mean, but it's like knowing you have to walk a mile, but your feet won't even take the first step.
You become obsessed with that frst step.
Without it, there is no reaching the mile.

@Christa - Lovely isn't it?

@B - I dunno when January was ever optimistic! and the inlaws are mechanics anyway.

@Dondi Tiples - No choice, happy new year to you.

DiaperPin Up Girl said...

I'm so sorry. You both deserve better than this. All my best wishes for a better 2009.

B said...

new year resolutions=optimistic

Stella said...

:-( I'm sorry X. Really, really sorry.

Martin said...

@DiaperPin Up Girl - Thanks, many happy returns, and welcome!

@B - I don't believe a word of it.

@Stella - thems the breaks, thanks.

Anonymous said...

The Internet just ate my comment. 'Tis not my day.

yes, we tried for 22 cycles before getting an appt with a fert clinic. We were given a 2 % chance of ever conceiving on our own, which, you know, felt great. After the diagnosis in April 2004 we had to wait until the next January to actually start the IVF (ahh, the joys of Sweden's free, but overburdened healthcare!), conceived in February and had a healthy, beautiful baby boy in November 2005. Totally worth the heartache (and induced menopause, mood swings from hell, needles and the lovely weight gain from the meds) a thousand times over.

Moreinfo than you asked for, but the it goes.
Take care.

Martin said...

@expatswede - wow that is nuts.
Trying for 22 months and THEN finding a semen issue.

I'd strangle someone.

Kim said...

Well...fuck. I'm sorry.

Martin said...

@Kim - thanks kim