Thursday 22 January 2009

Seamen on the map

Someone said recently that the number 23 was lucky. That was news to me. Maybe it is, we shall see soon enough.

We are less than a week away from what would 'normally' be the end of this cycle.

The ovulation signs popped up a day or so earlier than usual this time, and the temperature charting isn't being very reassuring either. So confusion reigns supreme.

Regardless of what happened with, and when it happened in the wife's innards, we covered all the days like the good little missionaries we are. Spreading the good word so to speak, or the bad seed, as the case may be.

Anyone want to place some bets? I could do with the cash.

There is something I just thought of though. What happens to all my kindly donated milky goodness that hangs around inside the wife, generally being useless?

I know I'm not exactly pumping her full with gallons of the stuff, and I know that if it was all put together in one place you wouldn't be able to see it on google earth or anything, but heading for two years in, there is quite an amount of it.

Where does it go?

Are the fallopian streets littered with the corpses of Spencer's army or do they just disappear or melt away.

Like candy floss.

Answers in a comment box if you please.

Meanwhile, back on planet earth, some very kind soul, or souls, have nominated this blog for the 2009 Irish Blog Awards. It's one of a long list of all nominations in the 'Specialist Blog' category which is wonderfully ironic, considering you wouldn't exactly come here for advice on getting knocked up.

Unfortunately, they don't have an 'Extraordinarily, dreadfully, and exceedingly rubbish at what you do blog' category, but I'm quite happy regardless.

The list of nominations will be judged by a panel, who will produce a short 'long list', and then a 'shortlist' before the winners get announced, embarrassingly drunk, and beaten up by the locals at a ceremony in Cork in late February.

A note to the judges, I bet you're really bloody sorry you volunteered now aren't you?

Put on the kettle, you may be here a while, just the 150 odd entries to get through from last year, luckily at least 2 of them are less than 700 words.

I'm not one to try and sway favour, but remember that we are childless, pathetic, and condemned to a life of misery with n'eer a glimmer of hope for a happy life.

"I heard there was a secret chord...."


Anonymous said...

Congratulations on being nominated. I assume you're going for the part of Actor in a Leading Role? are talking about the Oscars, aren't you? ;o)

Ms. Moon said...

Mostly I believe the cowardly soldiers get caught up in panties, sheets and so forth to be washed down the drain.
I will vote for you, XBox. You have made me care.

Ms. Moon said...

Oh wait. _I_ can't vote for you.
Too bad.
I can't believe you weren't nominated in the Sports and Recreation Catagory.

Susanica said...

Of course you'll win! That's so cool! -Monica

Amber said...

I suppose it slips out over the course of time when she uses the bathroom.
Congrats on the nomination, hopefully this is the lucky cycle and you can capture us with funny stories on pregnancy and birth. Oh, and pregnant sex. I hope this is the one. good luck.

Jason Roth said...

Congrats on the awards nod. As for all of your "milky goodness," I think the soldiers got a little scared and slipped out under the cover of darkness.

Mr Lady said...

Now that next line is always going to be, "When David came, and it pleased the Lord" in my head.

Which is awesome.

Dude, it gets all stuck in her chonies, and what doesn't get absorbed into her body, I think. Mostly the chonies.

Anonymous said...

Since I'm not Irish, I probably can't support your nomination, can I? Ah well, good luck anyways! And really, not the sports category?

WhatAboutNovember said...

"...That David played and it pleased the Lord, but you don't really care for music do you?"

To answer your question: It makes a reappearance later and usually goes to swim with the fishes.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, ditto on the panties, sheets, bathroom release...

I hope this month ends in wonderful news for you guys, then you can start the happens in 3's thing! And I'll be next and so forth :)

Anonymous said...

They're all in a bar somewhere complaining how much money they've wasted on flowers for Ellie.
Poor little guys.

Congrats on the nomination!

Anonymous said...

Congrats on the deserve it!

As for your 'milky goodness' an expert, I will tell you that it is absorbed by her body and is used when needed...haven't you noticed that she uses less moyonaise lately?

Julie said...

C'mon. Lazy bastards who can't be bothered to finish a job, who screw up the simplest tasks, who are immune to pleas, bribes and medical intervention?

Where did you think government bureaucrats came from?

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on the nomination! There should be an award for 'Keeping one's sense of humour in the face of seemingly endless frustration'. And then you'd win it straight out.

As for the 'where do the little soldiers go...' I've been Not Using Barrier Contraception for, err, ten years now, and I'm a woman, and I am Concerned as to the state of my insides now. Thanks a bunch.

Anonymous said...

Where do they go? That is a good question. I have noticed my wife leaning away from protien rich foods lately though. :D

Liz said...

Wet patch.

That's the reason we women like a post-coital cuddle cause we are skootching away from the cold wet patch of spunk. Nothing to do with wanting more flesh on flesh contact.

Congrats on the nomination.

Darren said...

Speaking of nominations. I'm putting this forward for Maxi's Filthy Butt award. I am picturing a lake of Xbox sperm - not good, not good at all.

Russ said...

None of your "milky goodness" (you should trademark that btw) should be getting away! Prop ET's bum up so it all drains to the desired locales!

I've read that it's good for her anyway (the milky goodness). Helps ward off depression (that just may be an ironic twist in y'alls situation), at least that is what "Best Life" magazine said.

And, I'll go vote for you.

Anonymous said...

I'm presuming ET doesn't spend her life walking around on her hands with her legs akimbo, so in that case it'll be in the bed, on the floor (betwen the bed and the bathroom) or running down her leg at some point during the day.

Congrats on the nomination. You do deserve some credit for all this work.

When you're REALLY fanous would you like to buy a good football team?

Anonymous said...

Congrats! Can we vote for you?

As for the army, they are destined for a life of draining, I'm afraid. Down the shower drain, the toilet...

English Mum said...

Congrats, matey. If anyone's a specialist 'tis you (or Spencer)

A Free Man said...

Congrats on the nominations! Well deserved, my friend.

Momo Fali said...

I'll vote for you. You are at least a specialist at not getting knocked-up, if nothing else.

K8spade said...

Spencer's spent army gets washed away on the next trip to the toilet. Just tellin' it like it is, man.

Anonymous said...

Congrats on the nomination...well deserved and a sure win!

As for the milk duds (sorry, you set me up for that one!) in our house, it ends up in the silky folds of a kleenex tissue! And that is 32 years worth...jeez louise!

Anonymous said...

I effing told you so.

Next time, just go easy on the free BJ's and they might even consider nominating you on merit ;)

I Am Emily... said...

Congrats...its also ironic how someone elses misery or heartache can be someones to speak. (I mean entertainment as in people keep on coming back to read, not entertainment as in magnificent juggling and acrobatic feats)

I thought that the spencer army sorted dried up and then slowly came out naturally with the rest of the CM and AF. Disgusting thought really, and that is how we all got to be here...

River said...

What Ms. Moon said. And the rest of them are probably just washed out via normal vaginal secretions.

Veronica Foale said...

Do you really want to know what happens to the sperm? I mean, really?

And congrats!!!

Anonymous said...

Congrats on being nominated.

the 2 week wait is hell - crossing everything for you that the number 23 is indeed lucky for you.

I've been told to have a 'rest month' as if I conceived again before a normal period, it would increase the chances of another miscarriage. I'm ovulating at the moment and it feels very weird (and upsetting) not to be having that 'week long shagging' that you so eloquently mentioned!

Best of luck!

Anonymous said...

you don't wash the sheets do you?

Or the curtains.

You should have been nominated at 'Spunkiest Blogger'

Jane G said...

You're in good company on the nominations list. One of my brothers has been nominated in sports (give a guess who having read my post about getting to Croke Park!) and the other is on the personal blog shortlist. If I had known about the nominations I would have put you forward for best personal blog.

I've often pondered on the question raised as to where do all the unsuccessful swimmers go. Bit gross when you think about it.

MissyBoo said...

Sorry your 'seamen' just get flushed away! Such a waste really...

Congratulations on your nomination.

Anonymous said...

One of the bestest blonks on the blonkosphere.

AnnD said...

Congrats! You so deserve the nomination. Only your writing could bring about such an honor. I mean, after all, it is depressing to your readers to continually come back and see such wonderful people being fucked over by life/nature/God/whatever you believe in. But, your words draw us in, endear us to you.

Lyssa said...

I believe Ellie has posted pictures of "the missing" inside ET. She has no idea where they went either.

You should rock those nominations! How you haven't won something already I'll never know. Congrats!

Chaos said...

Way to go with the nomination! As for Spencer's cohorts, I'm gonna say they swim with the fishes eventually.

Putz said...

sperm would be invisable if it weren't for they being able to be it it is like fairy dust...oh how can i explaint this???????????????it remains traceleess...that's right you can't trace it...when i used to give it to the nurse during my FOUR year sojurn in the wilderness, the nurse would say, no that is not enough, and i swear i had given my it is oh hell, why did you ask for an wxplanation nappy????

Martin said...

@Penelope - It's just a small part...boom boom

@Ms. Moon - That sounds such a sad way to go!
Nope, no voting, I'd die from guilt if I had to beg for votes.

@Susanica - I don't think so, but for I'm basking dull glory

@Amber - You never know!

@iVegasFamily - I think they are getting cheeky and just refusing to exit at all

@Mr Lady - Chonies?

@Captain Steve - Nope, it's not a clicky clicky thing.

@WhatAboutNovember - In my goldfish bowl?

@Christa - Happens in threes eh? I'll believe it when I see it ;0)

@Jen - Thanks, that's a potential post right there!

@BedsideTalesMan - Simply, gross.

@Julie - Deep breaths Julie, it'll be all okay...

@nutsinmay - The sense of humour has been sorely tempted lately.
I had not considered the pre TTC floods! Jesus there must be Litres of the stuff sloshing around in there.

@Jared - there goes lunch...

@womb for improvement - Ah wet patch, isn't that what the pirate in peter pan had?

@Darren - some images are just not called for...

@Russ - You cant! ha !

@Tismee2 - I'd love to buy a good football team, pity you being a geordie wouldnt enable you to suggest one.

@tiff - I feel sorry for them now.

@English Mum - Special in a takes a different bus to school kind of way more like.

@A Free Man - Thank you, I'm quietly chuffed.

@Momo Fali - No you wont! cant! I AM a specialist at that, very true, never thought of it like that.

@K8spade - I feel like I should stand and say a few words over the bowl.

@hotmamamia - Milk duds. brillliant.

@Joe - I know where you live. Well, sub continent anyways.

@Tanya - I actually have to stop myself thinking about that, I get quite annoyed when I think of people getting entertainment sometimes, even when its my own doing.
I'm just a plonker basically.

@River - the words normal and secretions dont belong with vagina, but at all.

@Veronica - now, no, no I dont.

@Lorna - The waiting must be hard for you, as I can only imagine the only way to 'fix' this if for you to get pregnant asap.
But let your body recover, it'll be better for it.

@Kelley - Or the dog...

@Jane G - I had top go through the list to figure them out, but I think I have them. Bear in mind, not ALL nominations are in, there could be a family hat trick yet....

@M+B - that is so so so sad.

@Sniffle&Cry - From a wordsmith like yourself, that's made my day.

@AnnD - draw you in lol, make me sound like Michael Jackson with a bottle of red.

@Lyssa Ireland Thomas - I won a bottle of wine today!

@Chaos - That's genuinely sad!

@Putz - You were holding some back from her Putz?

Stacy said...


James (SeattleDad) said...

I'd vote for you if I could X. Good luck, you deserve all that happiness.

Sarah said...

there does tend to be some leakage....

frog ponds rock... said...

I like KD Langs version better than Leonard Cohens but that is entirely beside the point...

Deb said...

Whoa... the curtains? What's going on in Kelley's house?

Anonymous said...

I believe they wander aimlessly forever more... Because like typical guys they refuse to stop and ask for directions.
(In all seriousness though, if you were in Australia I'd advise you to take a swim at Bondi and see if you recognise anyone.)

Anonymous said...

I'm not a regular reader, but I do check in occasionally to see how things are going. I've been there, and really, really hope things turn out for you.

Anonymous said...

I'm not a regular reader, but I do check in occasionally to see how things are going. I've been there, and really, really hope things turn out for you.

memart graphics said...

What do you wear to such an important event? Tails?
Or do you switch to the creamy goodness of satin and silk.
My, my, such a decision.
Sucks to be you, in more ways than one,
Good luck!!!

Jenni said...

congrats on your nomination. you are such a winner!

B said...

longlist will be the blogs people actually recognise, then the shortlist will be the one where judging will be properly applied.

Martin said...

@IEAT_SNOWMANPOOP - Thank you mam.

@James - I wouldn't go THAT far, it would be cool alright!

@Sarah - Hmmmm.

@frog ponds rock... - I would agree, KD does a cracking version of it.

@Deb - I'm too afraid to ask.

@Amy - Quite the gross image swimming for me.

@hereinfranklin - Same old same old here I'm afraid!

@Michaelynn - Oh it does, so much so!

@Jenni - Wiener?

@B - Such cynicism from one so young...