Friday 16 January 2009

So I can blame you

The internet is full of odd ideas and schemes, money making creativity, folk swapping houses for small countries, and nut-jobs selling their virginity on eBay.

Unfortunately I think my virginity is just about spoken for, but I have come up with the bones of an idea that may be beneficial for all of us.

When I say all of us, I mean more specifically, me.

How would YOU like to take part in an experiment, the creation of a miracle, the spreading of virtual baby dust, the confirmation of my steep slide into insanity.

It is CD15. Prime time. Ovfest 23. It's now or never.

It may have occurred to some that I'm not particularly good at this impregnation thing. In fact I'm probably the anti-impregnator. You should pay me to go out with your teenage daughters.

Anyway, here's where you come in.

Tonight, gather your wind chimes, and candles, collect your incense, and voodoo dolls. Then I want, nay, need you to get down on your carpet burned knees and focus.

Imagine good and hard, pun intended. Picture Spencer hurtling along his journey. Imagine him darting towards the light, then leaving the soft enticing velvety warmth behind him, breaking from the group and making for the cervix.

Hold your breath as he pauses, and waits, timing his leap at the entrance to coincide with it's pulsating contractions, of course initiated by my sending of it's host into a realm of unimaginable pleasure. Teamwork.

Stop laughing.

As he shoots through the gap, picture him discarding his whip and hat, and throwing himself at the fallopian waterslide, his freshly waxed torso streamlined and cutting though the resistance, riding the go-goo wave like some miniscule fishy smelling surfer.

Don't stop there, hold your focus folks, and picture it. Picture the whites of his eyes as he spots his target, roar out loud if you must, help him summon up his last burst of energy and throw himself eggwards.

Rub your temples in circular motion and breathe 'Uuuuuhmmmms' as you visualise him clutching on with all his might. His seminal fingernails digging into eggy mass, his man milk molars biting down and not letting go. She will toss and turn, fight and scream, kick and flail about, but do not let him let her go.

In your mind's eye see them, sink slowly into one.

That's all you have to do, all night. A bit of focus and positively channelled thinking, I'll even do the shagging.

Just think, you could be part of the greatest internet experiment of all times. You can turn useless impregnation man into a swaggering embryo generating machine.

You can play your part in making my words powerful, my thrust potent, and my wife preggers.

CD15. The time, is now.


morninglight mama said...

You got it, Xbox! Although, I have to admit that I am a bit dense in my inability to remember time differences, so I guess I'll just have to assume this pose all day long... :)

Maggie, Dammit said...

I can do this. Count on me.

Unless it doesn't work, and then I didn't do it.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

I will not - will NOT - sit on my dirty carpet focusing on your icky sexy-time. I may puke up my lunch onto my dirty carpet.

Besides, Oprah says you need to find it within yourself. You gotta listen to the Goddess Oprah. Nothing I can do about that.

Bluestreak said...

sure why not? I've got nothing better to do on a Friday night than mediate on other people sexin.

For reals. I don't have anything better to do.

Consider Bluestreak fully concentrated on Spencers success.

Ms. Moon said...

I'll light the candle. I'll visualize the pinpoint burst of light when sperm and egg join and the egg accepts the sperm and enfolds him into herself, the miracle of life beginning there, that second, that spark of light marking its existence.

Momo Fali said...

Consider it done.

Crysbena said...

You got it! GL!!

Anonymous said...

My pleasure!

Oh, wait, that's wrong.

YOUR Pleasure!

No, that's not quite the ticket, either.

Just... good luck, ok?!

Lance said...

A Pagan ritual it is. I'm in. (Figuratively speaking of course.)

Mick said...

Concentrating already!! Frowning so hard I can lick my own eyebrows...

Good Luck

WhatAboutNovember said...

How did you know I was laughing at that particular point?

Quick, Mr. MindReader McMindReader, what am I thinking now? *concentrates*

BTW, I will not be envisioning any such thing at any point today, or ever. I got quite the mental-eyeful from this post. ;)

Best of luck to you man. Best of luck.

Russ said...

Xbox, you make me smile! We'll do our own conjugal dance here for you tonight.

Anonymous said...

I'll be at work.

So yes. I can definitely imagine the Spencer and his lady finally getting it together. Beats working.

Is there like a T-whatever blast off?

Anonymous said...

Husband: Um, can you explain why the house is a disaster and the kids haven't been fed?

Me: I am CONCENTRATING on the sperm of an Irishman I've never met. Now if you'll excuse me...

Susanica said...

So X box my friend, let me get this straight? If Spencer is "the one", the one successful swimmer who actually succeeds in making you parents, then actually you haven't met him yet. In fact, unlike ova, your spermy guys are constantly being created, so Spencer is just now coming onto the scene so to speak.

Just a thought. Maybe you can encourage Spencer to swim quickly but not approach in such an attack mode. The ripe ova that is poised and ready for this cycle has been waiting patiently since ET was born to get her big chance. No need to make the little eggy fight and scream. A gentle but firm knock on the door will suffice.

I guess I'm just visualizing for you in a slightly different way. Come on now Spencer. Yes, you can! -Monica

Darragh said...

Go go go!

(or whatever it is one says in a situation like this!)

Anonymous said...

Count me in! I even made a little drawing of Spencer and ET's egg, to help me focus better! :)

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry X Box but don't you think it's about time Spencer got his marching orders? He's been in and out of you and ET a million times now.

The poor guy must be like a limp rag. Isn't it time to get a replacement and let him collect his trunk and go rest in a peaceful place?

I'm voting for Harold!

Amber said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog...comments from the big guys make me happy!

You are hilarious, the way you write, even though I know your situation isn't funny.

I hope this is it, the one we've all been waiting for...

Way back when we were having fertility issues, I did the imagery thing. I'll be rooting for you tonight!

Anonymous said...

Praying for Spencer to hit the mark.

Kori said...

And that would be different from any other night at my house, how?

Anonymous said...

::puts hands to temples and says uuhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm::

I think it's over for me this month so I'm gathering up all the baby dust I have lying around and I'm blowing it your way!!

Dan said...

I'm there for you man.

Despite the fact I keep looking at that "Yes" song and the rather complicated chords and my lackluster ukulele skills and regretting the moment I said I'd play it for you when you concieve.

Yet despite this I'm still hoping.

Anonymous said...

I 'could' conjure up all the hocus pocus at my disposal, but dude... your imagery has me in fits of laughter.

I am visualising Spencer as Homer Simpson, getting stuck in the water slide at Mt. Splashmore.

Um... dude. To get the whole 'bubble, bubble, toil and trouble' jazz on, I don't have to think of you engaging in midget sex, 'cause damn... that's some disturbing shit.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, I just can't get over the thought of being paid to get to go out with teenage daughters.

Let me know when they're hiring.

Anonymous said...

Chanelling every ounce of good baby dust, preggo vibes and visualising of the egg meeting sperm that is humanly possible over here.

Anonymous said...

I will up the ante on your request - not only will I be thinking about you and ET (jeez, that just sounds wrong, doesn't it?) but I will be grabbing my husband and doing the horizontal bop in your honor!!

Dude, the sacrifices I make for you.....

Stacy said...

wow how vivid

go spenser go

His Girl Friday said...

Well, what an enjoyable experience for my first time, I mean first visit here to your blog.

I hear beer makes you pregnant.

sending baby dust your way... ;)

Anonymous said...

Hey. Mrs.4444 sent me. I think my hubby will LOVE your blog!

Anonymous said...

Shit!! have I missed it???
I have forgotten the time differences. Is my Saturday morning your Friday night?
Eeek it is Saturday arvo Triple "OHMS" er "UMMMS" coming right up..

Tara R. said...

I'll happily visualize whirled Spencers.

Anonymous said...

I refuse to. Your requests are getting a tad disturbing. I'd have to be all the more disturbed to imagine Spence doin his job.

River said...

Heck it's Saturday the 17th here already,so instead of visualising the swimming and grabbing hold bit, I'll visualise the dividing and growing of the newly fertilised egg, okay?

Anonymous said...

OH MY GODS.... prayingtodarwin..."I am CONCENTRATING on the sperm of an Irishman I've never met. Now if you'll excuse me..."

I laughed so hard my belly hurt!

X, don't you know better by now? The fate sisters have your number, dude. You need to have us all praying that you DON'T knock her up. Then, she's pregnant for sure.

Putz said...

don't just now be so silly

Anonymous said...

Good. God. I mean, I'd do a lot for a bloggy friend, but be there at his child's conception? No thanks.

Oh, by the way, I just bought you on 'Owned' for 150 quid. HOpe you're worth it!

Sarah said...


All cross ables, crossed. Hopes are high...

Baby dust and all that shit.

Anonymous said...

You need to be more specific and let us know what time frame GMT we are talking about.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, actually, that's a good point. Presumably this all happened last night. Or did it? Was the pressure of all those 'third eyes' upon you too much? Tell us! tell us!

Veronica Foale said...


There! Now, only another 2 weeks until you know whether it worked or not.

Anonymous said...

I did it! Now you have to reciprocate and picture me passing my finals!

James (SeattleDad) said...

Shit. No candles or chimes. If it doesn't happen, I take the blame. But then again, I have enough hope for all to go around.

Anonymous said...

ummm...I just got back into the swing of visitng all my favs and I'm late to this but I am in...I am on my way to bed right now and in your honor I will put all of my effort into shagging my husband too while cheering on your little buddy who very well could still be in his environment looking for that damn little egglet! Go Spence baby, go!

Anonymous said...

Well I might as well do some praying to the Goddess and Oprah for you. You totally put me off my dinner.

I Am Emily... said...

Done. Let me know how it goes

Craig D said...

Visualize world piece.

If you come they will build it.

Spencer, I am spent, sir.

Um... I guess I didn't have a point, after all.


Nick McGivney said...

If Spencer's final work ends up looking like Woody Allen in Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask DO NOT blame me. YOU asked for this experiment. Is it MY fault if that image popped into the fallopian tubes of my imagination?

Martin said...

@morninglight mama - It's an inaccurate science, just stick with it all weekend.

@Maggie, Dammit - No go, sorry, blame is included.

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - Ah yes, Oprah the fertility queen.

@Bluestreak - European solidarity!

@Ms. Moon - Very poetic!

@Momo Fali - hee hee, you said 'done'

@Crysbena - Thanks, and welcome!

@hairyfarmerfamily - Well I am banking on some pleasure

@Lance - Sounds good to me

@Mick - Charming thought...

@WhatAboutNovember - Cheers ;0)

@Russ - I just spread love eh?

@Captain Steve - Start anytime Friday, finish, say Monday.

@prayingtodarwin - I wonder are there many husbands around who would gladly kick me to death.

@Susanica - Spencer is like santa of sorts in that respect.

@Darragh - Don't worry, I dont think hallmark have thought about htis one too much either yet!

@Gaby - okay, drawing, creepy. I love it.

@Tismee2 - Harold is one of my favourite barmen here, no can do.

@Amber - Big guys? aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahaha. bless you. It's not funny, no, but still, you HAVE to get by somehow don't you.

@Marita - getting boring isn't it ;0)

@Kori - I worry about you.

@Christa - Baby dust. Vomit.Cheers though!

@Dan - I laugh at the very thought of you attempting it. I sense a youtube hit.

@Anja - Midgets rule, Go see 'In Bruges'

@Maxi Cane - One way to beat the recession eh?

@tiff - thanks tiff.

@Bonnie B. - I'm sure he'll appreciate that ;0)

@IEAT_SNOWMANPOOP - Is there any other way ;0) ?

@His Girl Friday - Beer ain't the solution, trust me...

@Yaya - I bet he won't, I bet he'll want to smack me ;0)


@frogpondsrock - Never too late!

@Tara R. - get to it!

@Joe - Probably the healthiest answer here.

@River - An inexact science!

@Angel - Hmm, fate is confusing.

@Putz - only way to get by putz!

@English Mum - You bought me? er, cool. I could do with a few replacement parts.

@Sarah - Ribbons and bows and twinkling shit.

@Sinead - Confession, GMT confuses the shit out of me.When I go back home for a few days, I don't even bother changing my watch. Serious mental block with timeszones.

@englishmum - anytime will do, its a long journey for the poor guys. The continents can take it in shifts.

@Veronica - Well it worked on you!

@Ave - Just buy a degree of the internet!

@James Austin - not even a rain dance?

@hotmamamia - What a thought!

@Kelley - Oprah, are you drunk?

@Tanya - results may be easy enough to come by.

@Craig D - Don't be coming round here confusing me man!

@Nick McGivney - His work so far is quite comical anyway, so I guess nothing would surprise me.

Liz said...

Missed it, that's what happens when I go away. Well if the combined positive vibes from your previous 48 commenters didn't work then feel free to blame me.

Paddy in BA (Quickroute) said...

"You can play your part in making my words powerful, my thrust potent, and my wife preggers" - you want me to make yer wife preggers? - do we throw car keys in a bowl or how does it work?!

Anonymous said...

I'll eat nothing but porridge and mushroom soup tomorrow in Spencer's honour, and think of him.

B said...

For some reason I'm picturing spencer as Woody Allen now've ruined a wonderful thing for me.

C said...

I am firm believer of positive thinking (funny how that never worked for me!) I will give you as any ohmmss as u need...hope you dont get the chance to blame us...

Anonymous said...

I think you just described Angelina Jolie's last movie.

Jane G said...

I've made Voodoo dolls of you and ET and left them in the missionary position all weekend. Will that do?

Martin said...

@womb for improvement - I intend to.

@Quickroute - car keys? classy dude...

@K8 the Gr8 - and I'll never eat mushroom soup again!

@B - Sorry for brining woody into your head.

@Chhandita - give it a shot...

@NukeDad - similar too, great fun looking while it's happening, but no end result.

@Jane G - I was wondering what that smell was, your cat needs letting out...

Jo Beaufoix said...

So I missed this, but I'm sending, erm, energizing thoughts right now, and shouting 'go Spencer go.'
Hope it helps.

The Microblogologist said...

Shit, oh shit, ummmm OK so don't get mad but I think you might be pregnant... See I was visualizing and all but then I got distracted by the thought of wouldn't it be funny if you and not ET got knocked up and well there you have it, might want to pee on a stick or something. Sorry!

Anonymous said...

Your the most brilliant, twisted blogger I have ever read. And I love you for it.