Wednesday 6 May 2009

Fertility Foe

We use the 'Fertility Friend' website.

That's all well and good, we can record the daily temperatures and keep track of all the other relevant details of a cycle. Every month we end up with a wonderfully colourful and complicated graph with dots and lines and trends and numbers and letters and bells and whistles.

All of which combine to tell us how tremendously normal, yet overwhelmingly unpregnant, we are. It really makes you feel extra special to see a sarcastically graphic representation of your own uselessness.

One of the details you can record on there are the days you have sex. (With each other.)

That, right there, may well be the first time I've ever used that term here, and for a good reason. It's one of the many, many terms you can use to describe the act itself.

You could call it shagging, or humping, or riding, or screwing, or copulating, or making love, or horizontal jogging, or indeed any one of a hundred terms ranging from the graphic and crude, to the suggestive and cute.

With all these marvellous phrases at their disposal, what do our Fertility Friend buddies choose to use to denote the act?

BD, or 'Baby Dance'.

I'm aware that not everyone wants to use the cruder terms for the squelchy sessions, but what sort of a demented walking talking head injury victim came up with that particular vomit inducing beauty?

It's not a dance. There are no tuxedos or ball gowns, there is no grand entrance, and there are no marks out of ten. Thankfully.

It's rarely graceful or stylish, you don't normally cover all four corners of the room, and frankly, you'll be lucky if it lasts as long as the average waltz.

You can forget about having two consecutive attempts, or swapping partners, and I'm yet to see anyone on 'Dancing with the stars' shuffle naked across the bed on their knees to reach for a cushion to shove under their partner's backside.

Adding 'baby' to the name doesn't help, it's not like you are going to forget what you're doing. I get the vision of the words 'baby dance' in my head in shades of pink or powder blue and I hear twinkle twinkle little star on repeat in my brain.

Talcum powder, knitted blankets, and nappies all spring to mind. Edible underwear, does not.

Get a grip Fertility Friend people, or I may be tempted to send your offices a baby explosive device in the post, or baby beat your CEO around the face and throat with a golf club.


'Murgdan' said...

Ugh. I've always HATED that idiot term. What does it have to do with dancing? Or with babies, for that matter? (at least in our case).

The Coffee Lady said...

you need to go to

they call it shagging. And that's when they're being polite.

AnnB said...

Baby Dance how are ya!

Why not the Rugrat Rumba, Progeny Pogo, Brood Bossa Nova, Toddler Tango,Wailers Waltz?

When being patronized, I prefer people to, at the very least, be precise.

Rock on; whatever dance you choose.

Jenni said...

blech, i hate baby dance almost as much as i hate baby dust. what the crap is baby dust? ground up babies? how is that lucky? so stupid.

Liz said...

Don't stop at baby dance.

It took me a while to be able to translate the following blogging phrase.

"Because we are 1dpo dh and i did the bd last night, its time to start the tww, hoping af doesn't turn up early. Baby dust!".

And whilst we're on names, I prefer to think of that site a 'futility friend'.

Karen MEG said...

I don't think I've ever heard that term, or maybe I just sunk it to the depths of my brain because it is so annoying. When I hear baby dance I think of that baby dancing on the old show Ally McBeal. Creepy.

I'm sure if these tools were available to me back in the day I would have used them. At least it captures things all in one place if you ever need them, silly nomenclature notwithstanding...

WhatAboutNovember said...

Haha. Really. If you need to hide the golf club after, you can mail it to me.

Ed said...

With friends line that---who needs enemas.

Mo said...

(smiling widely at reading this)


Russ said...

You should have posted the dancing baby from, I think, Ally McBeal! (Wife watched it, not me.)

Anonymous said...

Anytime I read BD my brain processes it as "bed"... as in did you bed last night.

I think my brain is trying to protect me from cutesy overload.

IrishNYC said...

I despise BD, and most other euphamisms. It's SEX, people, SEX. SEX SEX SEX!

Putz said...

garth brooks sings of the dance....don't miss it he says, you might have missed the danceand me with my head under a pillow all the time, i miss the dance, i am such a putz, that i miss a lot of things, at least the world is not passing you by

Jane G said...

I have never joined Fertility Friend, but a lot of the members of my usual TTC forum use the phrase BD a lot. It conjures up an image of a line of pudgy babies in nappies boogying away. Not really conducive to getting it on.

John came up with a great euphemism once, when we were listening to a certain Marvin Gaye CD, "doing a novena to Blessed Marvin on the carnal altar". It's a wee bit long winded though!

Ms. Moon said...

And here I was thinking that Baby Dance was sort of sweet. I see your point, though. A bit too sweet and not representative of the real act at all.
But perhaps you can use it when you do have a baby and he or she grows up and asks about the facts of life.
"Well you see Son, when the mommy and the daddy feel very loving they do something we like to call...the Baby Dance."

Jo said...

Jesus, that's vile, alright.

I don't love the suggestion that the sub or infertile are morons, I can't imagine you do either.

Ickle wickle Xy Boxy.

Baby dance. Fuck.

Jo said...


Kim said...

Exactly. Insulting and stupid. Dancing doesn't make babies, never has. If it did, I would have moonwalked my way to one years ago.

Anonymous said...

I never understood BD either. Totally lame.

Oh well. Gave ya topic today eh? ;)

Anonymous said...

The LAST thing I want to think about in the heat of the moment is a BABY! Even when I was trying to make one, that's really mood killing.

Blues said...

oh the imagery, xbox.

Baby Dance? Are you kidding me? That is some seriously demented shit. It's almost perverted.

I started using and all they put is a little heart on the day when you're supposed to get busy. It's very inoffensive. However, I'd appreciate it if they would let me choose the icon. You know, just for variety, if they let me choose a stileto or a pair of handcuffs or a gag (totally kidding on the gag, but you know, for the so-inclined).

Chelsea Lietz said...

Ha! So true. My reproductive endocrinoligist wanted to see my FF charts... and he and the nurses laughed a good 3 or 4 minutes about the term "baby dance."
It needs to go...

Anonymous said...

Politically correct euphemisms are a real turn off huh? ;o)

feijoafication said...

Baby dance! Never heard that one better, and it's maybe the most obscene phrase I've heard to date.

Nic said...

Def think they should call it squelchy session from now on!!

Bonnie B. said...

I don't know Xbox.....maybe you should TRY the tuxedos and ballgowns thing. But leave the panel of judges out. That's just kinky.

Anonymous said...

I use that site. I have got quite good at ignoring the meaning of BD. It's that or be violently sick every morning AND NOT IN A JOYFUL WAY.

Baby dance. Urgh.

We call it Bonking Duty. Or Barn Door, as in banging like one. Or, if we're feeling particularly sarcastic and unpleasant, Buggery Default.

Sarah said...

That and baby dust make me cringe. Ugh.

t. said...

Interestingly, I first read BD as BeD. (like "going to bed together"). I still prefer to read it that way. More neutral and less saccharine.

Good luck!

Veronica said...

Baby dancing is what you get stuck doing at 2am once the baby is here. SI (or sexual intercourse) is what gets you pregnant.

Methinks that Fertility friend has their timelines a little confused.

tiff said...

Ahhh fertility friend, how I miss you...not.

Martin said...

@'Murgdan' - Not a whole lot!

@The Coffee Lady - you know, I don't really like shagging, the word, that is. I picture the dulux dog for some reason.

@AnnB - Precise exactly! or inventive at least, nice list!

@Jenni - baby dust is horrific.It's banned here.

@womb for improvement - Futility friend, I like that.
DH, makes me scratch.

@Karen MEG - the site is good, you can record everything. beats the old calender print outs!

@WhatAboutNovember - Transcontinental conspiracy. I like it.

@Ed - You have know idea what you've just done to my google search hits....
I'd tell you but every creep on the planet would be back again

@Mo and Will - recognition eh?

@Russ - sure, I believe you...

@RiotGrrlCynic - I think that's offensive to couch shaggers!

@IrishNYC - frustrated much?

@Putz - hahahahahahaha.....

@Jane G - That is a tad long for to fit in the wee box though...(said the actress to the bishop...)

@Ms. Moon - that says it all, you COULD use it to explain things to a child... but insane infertiles...not so much

@jothemama - did you notice, half those creatures in that video weren't even hamsters!

@Kim - Is baby moonwalking actually doggy style?

@Christa - Shhhhh! people will notice I'm scraping the bottom ofthe barrel

@prayingtodarwin - exactly.

@Blues - I like the way you slipped that in there at the end, using it eh ;-)

@Chelsea Lietz - I think we have a movement!

@Penelope - everything 'correct' is a turn off ;-)

@kma - vile isn't it...

@Nic - me too! royalties, cha ching!

@Bonnie B. - depends on the judge, I suppose

@nutsinmay - Barn door hahahaha.

@Sarah - here, have a handfull... fist full more like.

@t. - I'm sure I would have found it 'nice' around two years ago too, but now, I'm done with it ;-)
Thanks, and welcome.

@Veronica - I've been to a town called intercourse!

@tiff - splitter!

Anonymous said...

Baby dance? Really? I preferred buggery default - thanks for that nutsinmay. said...

I don't use FF! And I am glad that I don't! said...

Babydust, Baby dance, Hope, Aunt Flo....welcome to the jargon of fertility world or infertility world....

I just hope that those crisp charts get replaced soon with something more productive!

Reg said...


AMH said...

The fertility boards are pretty demeaning. They infantilize women. "Baby dancing." A positive pregnancy test is a "big fat positive," "BFP." The whole color scheme is juvenile. It's embarrassing and demeaning, and I'm convinced its so cutesy because it is directed at women, which makes me both furious and vaguely ashamed of my gender for tolerating, even reveling in it.

Oh, and FYI - I've had a prior early loss. I recorded my positive pregnancy test on FF. I in no other way registered for the baby or ordered any baby-related items. I started receiving baby formula, free issues of "Parent and Child" magazine, tons of baby-related stuff. For months after our miscarriage. It was extremely obnoxious. If you're a paying member on FF, they will sell your information if you record a positive pregnancy test, and will do nothing to call off the dogs if you report a miscarriage.

Martin said...

@bsouth - you prefer buggery.... *cough*

@WiseGuy - Dont get me wrong, it's a good tool for recording the things you need to, but the terms used are irritating.

@Reg - heh, cheers.

@AMH - wow, I was really only being tongue in cheek about the annoying terms they use, but that point about registering the pregnancy and miscarriage is horrific.
I can't believe they did that, sorry.

And welcome, btw :-)

Minna said...

There are many things I don't miss about trying to conceive a baby. The horrible terms and acronyms are just a few of them.

I did like FF though, really useful.

Momma said...

I hate fertility friend...we use that to chart with too and I can't stand how each month they want to tell me how I have an 86 percent chance or 62 percent chance and I'm still not pregnant!!! The only thing we've got going in our favor it that it is almost June/July and both times we've been pregnant it happended at either the end of June or the beginning of here's hoping it happens again! Maybe for all of us!

Happy BD'ing this month!!! (lol)

Martin said...

@Minna - it IS useful yes.

Bloody irritating though.

@Momma - Oooh, you get percentages, you must have signed up for the extra-annoying account ;-)

Good to hear from you again.