Tuesday 26 May 2009

The Sperm Runner III: Was it good for you?

So how did you start your day?

With a tasty low fat yoghurt? Went for a jog perhaps? Or maybe leisurely skimmed through the morning papers?

Me? I milked myself in the name of procreation. Again.

You know you are getting to the sharp end of this process when you are excommunicating yourself into luxuriously wide rimmed, heavy duty, tinted glass pots, and not the measly plastic pill bottles the GP hands out.

Wide rimmed or not, I still had to despair at the volume I produced. Again, I mean quantity, and not decibel level. I’m no good with judging millilitres, so let’s just say the amount would probably stop a wasp in its tracks, but not be enough to drown a small bat.

I’d have wrung my own neck if my hands weren’t busy wringing out my own head.

The race was on. As sensible as putting the pot between my legs seemed to be at the time, when I saw the state of the roads from last night’s storms I had a rethink. One slam on the breaks could mean explaining to police exactly why my windscreen was covered in semen, awkward, even in Holland.

Instead, the fruit of my loins was popped into my jacket pocket and delivered incident free. Unless you count the scornful look I received from the receptionist as I used both hands to hoist the pot onto the counter to emphasise its tremendous weight.

Once I’d assured the nurse, who I’m certain also works as a baggage check-in person at the airport, that I had filled the pot myself, that no-one could have interfered with it since I had interfered with myself, and that the potent potted produce she was pawing, was in fact, mine, I was out of there.

*** *** ***

Four and a half hours later, ET and I were sitting in the small waiting room behind the heavy white door, alone. Footsteps came and went, and the puddle of water from her closed umbrella spread on the floor between us.

An unsurprisingly blonde, incredibly tall, and reassuringly friendly IVF doctor came and took us down to a treatment room.

There, she explained what was about to happen, absolutely none of which registered with me as I was too busy grinning from ear to ear with the news that the sample, after washing, had 21 million Spencers ready and waiting. The usual target after washing is 5 million.

When I returned from cloud 9, ET was again semi-naked in the chair, refusing to wave hello to Spencer like I asked, with stranger number 7 chalking up carnal knowledge.

Out came the catheter and the syringe filled with my self abuse, and in it went.

Or not.

Seemingly ET’s uterine cavity didn’t take too kindly to this jizz filled stranger popping it’s head around her door, so the good doctor called an assistant to bring a different catheter.

In a world of ever decreasing stereotypes, the assistant was a 50 plus year old bald man, with a bandage on his head the size of a post-it note. Despite becoming the 8th stranger to gaze into my wife’s nether regions, he brought with him the new improved catheter.

A moment later it was in, and so were 21 million of my finest. After a 5 minute rest (and I think ET had one too) it was done and dusted.

On reflection it’s a simple procedure, painless and quick, but that doesn’t deter from how proud I am of that midget wife of mine. Five times in stirrups in one week is at best a real pain in the arse, or that approximate area anyway, and I know how nervous she was in the moments just before the IUI. I hope she knows it’s those same moments that make me most glad that it’s her and me.

Now, we just wait. I’m half afraid of what for.


Katy said...

WOW! So close, so very close...

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

Let's hope they mixed the goo and she has a taller, more muscular, man's baby.

jodieodie said...

oooh oooh. waiting with you...

Jo said...

Haa, Angie, I might join your gang on that one.

God, Xbox, I hope this is the end of this feckety stressful journey and the start of a new one.

Making Babies said...

Positive vibes all the way from Africa..... :)


ryanandjoesmom said...

See what I miss by being on vacation for a few days? Awesome! So glad the follicles cooperated and spencer made a numerous appearance!

Panni said...

Hoping . . . Praying . . .

Ms. Moon said...

You the man, XBox! Way to make sperm!
And ET- I do not know this woman but I feel so tender about her ovaries, her graceful hop-footed dance, her heart.
She is strong.
You two are going to make awesome parents.

Rob Monroe said...

The wait. It's so unlike the others you have had, yet the same. I hope beyond hope for success 21,000 times over.

My wife insisted that we continue the process at home, just to be safe. I feel bad for your neighbors... :o)

Russ said...

Fingers are crossed!

Anonymous said...

I am in complete awe of your marriage. Despite the shite you're going through, you are so lucky. Both of you.

..al said...

Wow! You bring humour to the table...that's the best part.

Good Luck to you two!

Sends a shiver down my spine thinking of the Ovulation Study 'packages' I used to buy, and the errr....frequent opening...and counting...and waiting!

All the very best!

Paddy in BA (Quickroute) said...

Chinese Rosary beads in hand!

Mr Lady said...

It's a good thing you're married and all, because I kind of love you sometimes.

mammydiaries said...

oooooh! You're two away from "Stranger number 10" How lucky! Good luck to the twenty one spencers, may they stay their course and hit their target!

MissyBoo said...

Baby vibes, baby vibes, baby vibes, baby vibes, baby vibes....

Everything crossed for you!

Anonymous said...

wow - at last and 21 million of them fighting to be the one! Hilarious post by the way. Sleep well tonight, keeping everything crossed for you x

Liz said...

Great post although, for a heart stopping moment, I thought the catheter fuck up marked the end of it.

Ready for the longest two weeks of your life?

Jason Roth said...

I'm so hopeful!

Jenni said...

this is it. i can feel it in my bones.

Anonymous said...

Sending the very best of luck to you, your midget wife and the 21 million spencers. I'm looking forward to reading about the pregnancy and newborn phase :)

Boliath xx

creepy katie j said...

Wow. So exciting...will be thinking of you guys and hopeful to hear good news soon!

AnnB said...

Run Spencer Run.....

meabh said...

So close to the dream! Its up to the 21 million now....imagine, 21 MILLION all fighting to be the ONE!Its gonna be crazy in there!And now the 2ww.Keep busy & no point in saying to relax, cause you wont.
Tell ET they always had problems with my nether regions.The nurses said I had a U bend. They had to aim towards 3 o clock, then back around to 12 o clock!! Good luck!

IrishNYC said...

Everything crossed!

Feebee said...

Great news. Good luck!

Kori said...

My God, the thrilla! The suspense! The ups and downs which make you insane! Yet underneath it all, it's another love story-and that fucking amazes me. You both amaze me.

Shauna said...

I had to go to the IUI on my own. Your wife is lucky you were there with her in those fateful 5 mins. I remember laying there looking at the ceiling tiles wishing I wasn't alone and willing those clean little sperms to find their way.

V said...

21 million??? Way to go Xbox!!

Sending ET lots of sticky/grow baby vibes! I hope the good news continues...you seem to be on a roll! Yippeee! :O)

Ed said...

And we shall wait, too.

ladyshanae said...

The Two Week Wait (2ww) sucks.

I hope you both find many things to distract you. I'll be hoping (and praying) for success.

*big hugs*

Out of curiousity - why no trigger shot?

Susanica said...

Xbox, I am so hopeful for you guys. 21 M swimmers is very high and I can tell you from experience that even getting up in the high teens really increases your chances. And two ripe eggs. This is all awesome news. So 14 days from now you'll know? -M

Insch Stalker said...

Xbox, I've been thinking of you and ET all day. SO hoping that todays IUI is the one, and those 21million (way to go!) wee guys have one of them that does the job!

Its a year to the day today since we found out our IUI had worked, and hes now tucked up in his bed, snoring gently - so hope you can post the same thing in a year!

Seriously best wishes to you both, try to keep busy - the 2ww is a real nightmare, every twinge needs analysed, and you drive each other mad, but fingers crossed its the last 2ww til you think about bubba number2!

Anonymous said...

Shitballs!! It's gonna work this time dammit!!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh blimey. It's all crossed for you, I'm shouting for you, I don't know what else I can do but say the word and I'll do it.

Here's hoping for twins!

merinz said...

I hope that this is THE one! And it only takes one. Good luck.

Martin said...

@Katy - ClosER at least, thanks, and welcome (?)

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - You'll pay for that.

@jodieodie - No choice eh? ;-)

@jothemama - Don't encourage her.

@Making Babies - Thanks, good luck to you.

@ryanandjoesmom - blink and you could miss it here! thanks (welcome?)

@Panni - Thank you.

@Ms. Moon - She's not half bad, but don't tell her I said that.

@RobMonroe - I'm already a bit wobbly, I cant imagine what the next 2 weeks will do.

@Russ - surely!

@prayingtodarwin - heh, don't believe EVERYTHING you read ;-)

@WiseGuy - heh, you HAVE to laugh.

@Quickroute - Chinese?

@Mr Lady - this could all be a rouse, my way of grooming potential conquests?

@mammydiaries - 10 is just ridiculous isn't it?

@WhatAboutNovember - finally eh?

@M+B - keep em coming.

@Anonymous - thank you!

@womb for improvement - heh, you know my post pattern too well now, the wee twists. But thankfully, not this time.

@iVegasFamily - don't tell anyone, but me too.

@Jenni - touch wood.

@Boliath - heh, thank you.

@creepy katie j - Thanks, and welcome!

@AnnB - Spencer Gump!

@meabh - It seemed to be a not full enough bladder that caused the wee hiccup, but a few shifts of position and pushing of belly did the trick.

@IrishNYC - ye, cheers.

@Feebee - Thanks.

@Kori - You're easily amazed.

@sky girl - I'm sorry about that, I can imagine it must have been very daunting.

@Kathryn - Hopefully, thanks.

@Ed - No choice ;-)

@ladyshanae - No trigger shout because the combination of the almost daily scans and bloods for hormone levels showed that today was the day, so, none needed!

@Susanica - there or there abouts.

@Insch Stalker - I loved that, thanks, positive and realistic. Thank you.

@Christa - You'll find, if you re-read, these balls are anything but shit ;-)

@bsouth - Trust me, one would do.

@merinz - Me too, me too. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I'd "cross everything" for you if I could, but suffice to say, I'm hoping that this is "the one" -TM. Nice work on so many million spencers too.

I seriously hope you're overimagining these "scornful looks" from the collector slash receptionist. cause really. its her effing job. so get over it!

Let's hope for one healthy baby at a time, eh?

Good luck guys!

Chelsea Lietz said...

well written. and well done, champ! (21 million!) Waiting with you and hoping this is it!

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

21 million? You been overdosing on the sports drinks?


Veronica said...


Fingers crossed. Toes too (because I can do that).

Shanny said...

Oh how exciting and frightening!!! I'm wishing you lots of luck =)

C said...

Still chanting away.... saying nothing, just hoping and praying.

ME! said...

WOW!! 21 Million!! That is awesome. I am sending lots baby vibes your way! Your writing is hysterical by the way. :)

Malky B. said...

I'm so happy you made it to IUI! Best of luck with the 2WW.

Jill said...

Hoping and wishing for the best possible news...

River said...

21 million Spencers?? Awesome!!
Of course I always knew you had it in you....Ha Ha.
With luck you and ET won't need to go through this again. Heck, with 21 million, one of them has to hit the mark, surely.

Sheila said...

Bet your wife is just as proud of you, as you are of her! It's so emotionally battering going through all this, but clearly you guys are coming out stronger together for it.... that's one of the most positive things that comes out of this blog for me. But if you're still talking about the 21 million down the pub in a week's time, she might not be so impressed with you!

Anonymous said...

You have both been through so much! I can't breath with excitement!!

Jane G said...

21 million? Wow, impressive. So we'll be keeping each other company on the two week wait then. Mine is due to end on June 8. Best of luck!

Mwa said...

Keeping absolutely everything crossed for you two!

And I think that Angie is all wrong - I hope the baby has your talent for writing.

naughty said...

Well done to you both! This post made me laugh out loud even though the subject matter is so serious! I have everything crossed for you. I must show this to my husband! x

Jo said...

You know I have this issue with the yukky language.

Milking and wanking are two pretty different activities. No ejaculation with milking cows, really, exactly. No `build up.

And I think 'milking' is the term for making someone ejaculate through prostate massage, no willy touching involved.

tiff said...

Even at David's protest, i am keeping EVERYTHING crossed for you both. Everything.

Martin said...

@S - One at a time is absolutely perfect with me. Thank you.

@Chelsea Lietz - Thanks.

@Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo - No, Zinc and a few other bits....

@Veronica - heh, mental image of you crossing your big over your baby toe.

@Shanny - Thank you!

@Chhandita - heh, cheers.

@Lorza - Thanks, appreciate that.

@Malky B. - Finally eh? thanks.

@Jill - Thank you.

@River - You would hope so!

@Sheila - If it works, I'll be talking about the 21million in 10 years!

@Penelope - brown paper bag.

@Jane G - oh the joys!

@Mwa - Thank you, I really appreciate that. And take that, Angie.

@naughty - Cheers, thanks.

@jothemama - I never mentioned cows?

@tiff - heh, poor man.

Ashling said...

I'm so happy that you that everything went well with the IUI.
I hope its the first and last one that you and Et need.
I've got to say I'm surprised my Dh had numbers like 48-65million post wash for our various IUI'S and doctor never said the numbers were high but I guess they were.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you both,how exciting this could be it for you guys.

AnnD said...

Oh my...first, this post made me laugh out loud at least three times. I especially loved picturing you lifting the container to the counter with both hands, pretending it weighs a ton.

I will be praying again (I did yesterday) that this works and there is a little cluster of cells growing in ET right now that will be a baby in 9 months.

So, are they going to do anything else at this point or is it the same old 2 week wait?

Mo said...

Waiting with you.


Anonymous said...

I have no idea how I found your blog, but I've been following your journey for a while now. My daughter is an IVF baby, so I understand the roller coaster you and your wife are on.

Sticky wishes and positive vibes all the way from Philadelphia, PA, USA.

Alexicographer said...

I came over from LFCA and have to agree with Mel ... best description of an IUI I've ever read. Congratulations ... on the writing and the 21 ... and good luck to you.

Louise said...

I will be watching your blog closely for the next two weeks. Looking forward to volume two of the blog - it just has to start now... I hope.

Lindsay D. said...

You slay me-I am still laughing at the thought of you "hoisting" your man-load onto the counter and then talking to the receptionist like she was an airline employee. :) You are damn funny, my friend!

I'm joining in on the baby vibes you are receiving from around the world, so chalk up another all the way from Minnesota.

::fingers crossed::

:) Lindsay D.

Anonymous said...


Joy said...

Too funny as usual. Good luck to you and your 21 million, let's just hope ET wasn't as productive!

Sarah said...

Shall I send baby dust your way?

Martin said...

@Ashling - Wow, 65m is decent for an untreated sample, never mind a treated one!

@AnnD - thank you, fingers crossed.

@Mo and Will - take care you.

@Anonymous - I appreciate that, thank you. Good to hear success stories.

@Alexicographer - Cheers thanks.and welcome!

@Louise - Thank you, and welcome.

@Lindsay D. - Thanks, and welcome I believe!

@Christa - ha, indeed....

@Deb - Just the two beauties for her.

@Sarah - Watch it you.

BABY STEPS said...

The graphic nature of your post freaked me out. You did your part, then at somestage without a reference to handwashing touched the keypad on your computer, then I read your words. I feel dirty.

Good luck guys:)

Putz said...

69th comments, when they are all summed up you have ......................................................................60 count them

I Am Emily... said...

wow, lots of spencers...

Lots of chance :-)

Martin said...

@Paint it Black - Graphic, really? aw bless, you've missed a few posts I reckon ;-)

@Putz - or not...

@Tanya - 'A' chance.

Blues said...

Loved this post. So classic.

My god, I´m sittin on the edge of my seat here. I can only imagine what you two must be feeling.

Hotmamamia said...

THis was your best post yet...you are a SUPER man in so many ways...I'm not crossing anything this time and I hope to hear that you and ET are pregnant very shortly.

Martin said...

@Blues - Thanks, it is a tad 'tension filled'

@Hotmamamia - heh, easy tiger... thanks.