Friday 8 May 2009

Naive miles

We are walking the final steps once again, and as usual, they will be the slowest of them all.

It's a course we know well, we've seen all the landmarks, looked in all the shop windows, and recognise all the faces along the way.

We've had people pass us by, and fade out of view in front of us. Some, more than once.

We've walked it in all seasons, all weather.

It's our 27th circuit, and now on day 24, there are 3 or 4 more days left.

If we had any common sense we wouldn't even think about it, and set our minds on the next one, another attempt at IUI.

That's where the real possibilities lie.

Face it, if you can't get knocked up in 26 attempts, including one with half a dozen eggs lying spread-eagled, your chances on attempt 27 are on the unhealthy side of almost non-existent.

Evidently, common sense isn't something we possess in abundance, and so here we sit, counting down the days to the 'maybes' and the 'what ifs', still thinking about how this could bring it all to an end. And a beginning.

Like every other month that passes, we have something we can say could make the difference. Not drugs, timing, gimp masks, vitamins, nor freshly flushed tubes, but this month we were back home - 'just relaxing'.

Writing that line out makes me feel more than a bit silly, but that's nothing new.

The wry ability to allow my better judgement to be quietened during these days by lottery-odds sized possibilities is both amusing, and comforting.

Thanks to that selectively unassertive logical part of our brains, we can walk the last yards once again, not with dread, but with a little excitement.

One of these days it won't be misguided.

(Incidentally, for anyone who tried and failed to listen to the radio interview thanks to the arse-ache that is realplayer, you can now hear it here instead)


Karen MEG said...

Xbox, I know the "just relaxing" sounds so condescending, and trite, but to be honest, your mental state has so much to do with it. This infertility ride, as you so well know, is illogical at best.

I know of some amazing stories of pregnancies happening when people just take a break from anything treatment related, some friends and a very, very close relative of mine.

And of course, we took a three month break and I was in an awesome state of mind (well, going into it) for our successful attempt for the girl.

And on a side note, I don't know if I've ever mentioned, but you are such a talented writer, even when you're not being uproariously hilarious.

You and ET have a relaxing weekend, my friend.

Off to listen to your interview...

I Am Emily... said...

That was a beautiful post and so true. This is one of those things in life that you really cant control. Some people get the magical equation straight away and fall pregnant while others struggle for a long time. Its all up to chance and thats why pregnancy and childbirth is so amazing, you dont know what to expect. We chose not to find out what gender this little one is and at 38 weeks (gestation)I have never waited for something with this much enthusiasm in my life. So just remember that this wont be the only time chance will play a part in this pregnancy. The gender, the date of arrival, the method of this day and age its nice to be part of something that we cant control. I just hope that you dont have to wait too much longer for the magic.

Good luck for this cycle.

Ms. Moon said...

Yes, Nappy. You are such a good writer. I am always astounded at how you present the words that tell the story of your hope and your heartbreak, your pain and your passion to conceive.
Isn't it funny? All these miles away and yet, at this time of ET's month, I, too, go through my days with the two of you at the back of my mind, wondering, hoping, thinking, "what if, what if, what if?" And the answer is always "what joy it would be."

WhatAboutNovember said...

There's one word you used that I think is just perfect. "wry" It's perfect (have I mentioned it's perfect?) because in it is contained all the heartache, humor, and refusal to stop hoping despite the mind-boggling-almost-to-the-point-of-amusing-but-not-quite-there odds. Wry is real. Wry is healthy.

And we're just relaxing this month too. I will eat my shoe if either of us wind up knocked up after this. (Hear that, gods of sarcasm and finger-pointing laughter?)

Oh, and I will gladly eat a shoe for you. Now, THAT's friendship. :)

Ian Newbold said...

Common sense, what I think you refer has now become uncommon sense.

And it is overrated in any case.

Good luck and don't 'they' say 27th time lucky? Well if 'they' don't, I will.

AnnB said...

Waiting is an artform. It's cruel in it's non linear practice. I know of this from waiting for a kidney for my little one. That horrible sense of nothing, and the worst of it was I was waiting for some mother's heart to break so mine could be healed. Hope and waiting together make it easier but they are hard to sustain in tandem. Wear them well, relinquish control and many things can happen. Easy to type but it will take me a life time to achieve, I wait, I stumble, I dust off, hope, berate my stupidity for hoping, collapse and then I start again. I don't know any other way of being. Laughing is the only constant that helps - well that, and industrial quantities of wine. May your waiting be short and your hope be strong.

Jenni said...

wow, it's strange to hear your voice after reading your blog for the past year and a half or so. you sounded nervous at the beginning, but you settled it. good job.

and, as always, good luck this month. i'm ever optimistic.

Mo said...

as usual xbox, you are right on. we're over here at the hospital in our own version of "how can this possibly work after so many failures...and yet maybe it will!" contradictions. sending you and your wife the very best.


Amber said...

Good luck! It's so frustrating because you couldn't stop thinking about it and wondering if you wanted...I hope this is it for you guys.

Anonymous said...

Xbox, I hope the trip home did the job. My sister tried for 2 1/2 years to conceive and it was a trip home and a night of drunken sex in Wicklow that sealed the deal.
P.S. The little man is grand. I am suffering from sleep deprivation, so tired I can hardly see straight!
Best of Luck,

Blues said...

Against all my urges to send wishes of hope, I'm not gonna tell you, "Just be patient, you're time will come". I'll just say I'm with you in frustration, if this month doesn't turn out to be the month.

Putz said...

you had a burrito last night and nearly died

Bonnie B. said...

Thank you so much for putting up the link where we could listen to the interview. You did a great job! And it was fun to hear your actual voice, instead of the one that's in my head when I'm reading your posts.

Liz said...

I bought a ticket for the euromillions tonight (£110 million). I plan to spend the evening just relaxing, no checking for the numbers online every few minutes, nothing. What do you reckon my chances are?

Claire said...

Hi Xbox
As always I am hoping hard that this will be your month while being in utter admiration of your ability to stay positive in spite of everything. As Tanya said, the whole process of having children is one of the few things that's still up to chance, that we can't always control. One of these months, ET is going to fall pregnant and you might be able to say it was because of the IUI, because she put two pillows instead of one under her post coital bum, or even because you 'just relaxed'. But equally, you might have absolutely no idea why that month was THE month - it can happen just because. Keep on believing that x

Susanica said...

Hi Xbox. How could you not be excited? I think that would be impossible! By the way, I caught your interview live when it aired (thank you toddler Danny having me up at 5am here in DC). Turns out your part wasn't until around 6:30, so I learned a lot about prisons in Ireland in the meanwhile ;-) But I wanted to tell you that you sounded great.

Hope this month's THE month! -Monica

Anonymous said...

Every cycle I truly believe it will be the one for you, that surely the gods of being complete bastards can't be bastards for that long. I will be gutted again if this one isn't.

James (SeattleDad) said...

We are all rooting for you like our favorite sports teams. This could be the year (or month in your case). Good luck to you both.

Anonymous said...

I hate to disagree with conventional wisdom, but upon trying to conceive our first I was completely NOT relaxed. Convinced I could not get pregnant (tilted uterus, a few other minor issues) I prepared myself for a long battle. I worried for months prior to our first attempt...and, obnoxious as it sounds, I got pregnant on the first try. If anyone could psyche themselves out of getting pregnant, it would be me; turns out it just doesn't work that way.

Your state of mind is natural considering your circumstances--don't let the "just relaxers" make you think that's what's preventing you from succeeding. They don't know what's wrong anymore than you do.

Veronica said...

Wouldn't the just relaxers have something to gloat about if this cycle was the one? Then again, if it was the one, it's not like you'd care about them.

Craig D said...

Your sense of weariness is palpable, my friend.

Anonymous said...

Were there any decent shops on your walk? Nice handbag ones perchance?

A Free Man said...

A lack of common sense is an attribute that only the best people can claim.

Dondi Tiples said...

Please don't end up zombies. You and ET are too young for that. Relax, just don't collapse.

River said...

I don't know what to say anymore. I can just hope that by next year you and ET are celebrating your first Mother's Day.

tiff said...

I just listened to your amazing interview. Nice to hear your voice!

I am hoping for you, always have, always will.

Captain Dumbass said...

Here's to lucky 27.

Martin said...

@Karen MEG - Thank you, that's very generous. I appreciate that.

@Tanya - You are pushing close. good luck.

@Ms. Moon - Thanks.

@WhatAboutNovember - 'Wry' hit the nail on the head for me too.

@Single Parent Dad - was worth a shot anyway!

@AnnB - You hit that spot on. The dusting off, the self berating for the stupidity.
Have you this weeks lotto numbers?

@Jenni - Thanks.

@Mo and Will - Best of luck.

@Amber - Maybe next time.

@Anonymous - Great to hear ye are doing well.

@Blues - Thanks, and good luck.

@Putz - You crack me up.

@Bonnie B. - Weird isn't it?

@womb for improvement - Did you win? we didnt

@Claire - I think we can safely say that if it happens, it will be thanks to a doctor or two. Thanks.

@Susanica - Thats funny, there were a few people back home listening who wouldnt normally listen to that show or station, and in the hour before I got a few text messages telling me how bored they were and I better be good!

@bsouth - Cue gutting.

@James - The worst sports team ever!

@Anonymous - Yep, you are absolutely right.

@Veronica - I could have lived with that.

@Craig D - That's 100% the correct word. Weary.

@Tismee2 - No...

@A Free Man - I'll take that.

@Dondi Tiples - We can only try.

@River - I know, don't worry. Don't know what to say myself these days.

@tiff - 'amazing' hahaha, bless you.

@Captain Dumbass - Oooops!

Malky B. said...

Great interview - I was able to listen from the latest link.

Martin said...

@Malky B - Cool, the interview was a bit generic. But good you could listen, the station's website is not very helpful.