Friday 29 May 2009

Simmer, then bring to the boil

We've done this before. Many, many times.

We have waited.

Two years ago we waited with innocence, excitement. I do miss that.

A year ago we waited sometimes with naive enthusiasm, sometimes a knowing dread.

The last 6 or 8 months have been peaks and troughs in the extreme. The laparoscopy and the supposed increased chances it brings, being teased with the promise of an IUI, having it eventually cancelled, a cycle on a very effective dose of Clomid. Always ending up with waiting, a couple of weeks every time, wondering if this is the time we could cross that fine line, but with the weight of all the previous months holding us back.

I don't know how people do this long term. The treatments, the trying, the extending yourselves, the offering up of slices of your energy reserves and sanity.

The waiting.

We have some daylight now behind us in this two week wait and I can feel it starting. Half conversations that haven't been touched on in nearly 2 years, counting months ahead on our fingers, the daydreaming allowed to linger that little bit longer than it has been for what seems such a long time.

It's simmering. The nervousness, hope, positivity, a little worry.

And damn it, excitement.


Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

You wait cause you have to. Because you want to.

Nothing will make it easier.

Take up knitting. It is winter here, I could do with a scarf.

meabh said...

the waiting is the worst. I'm 10 days into the 2ww.At least were nearly there & we'll know one way or the other. There is no way of making it easier. I think about it ALL the time & I always feel, it will be this one. I hope its this one for all of us.

IrishNYC said...

I'm so glad to see you've got a bit of excitement. After my own 5 years of despair, my IUIs brought us a whole new round of hope, and a feeling that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope your light is brighter and closer than you can imagine.

Anonymous said...

You always have so many commenters expressing themselves so well that I generally can't think of any new phraseology with which to offer you any support. But I'll say it anyway:

It's TOTALLY YOUR TURN. And I would like this to happen for you so very much indeed. Fingers are, as ever, crossed.

frogpondsrock said...

I agree with Kelley,try knitting.
Knit one, pearl one,drop one, pass slip stitch over. Nope knitting is as boring as hell. Well I suppose if you did start to knit it would put you to sleep and then the time would pass quickly. Sorry I am no help at all... GAH

Veronica said...

Clean out the frog pond and then take up baking. I've got an awfully good recipe for chocolate biscuits.

The collective power of the internet is behind you. Sure we're useless, but at least we look pretty.

♥.Trish.♥ Drumboys said...

I agree with both Kelley & Kim ... start knitting 'booties' and bonnetts ...fingers and eyes crossed like never before.
On my knees praying too ...well later -it isn't my bedtime yet !

Ms. Moon said...

Light and life.

nishkanu said...

"I don't know how people do this long term."

I don't know either! I don't know how we made it through 5 years of this hell! I just don't know!

But I really, sincerely hope that the end to your wait will come soon. And that, in the meantime, scraps of sanity come your way.

C said...

The 2ww doesnt get least there is excitement!

C said...

And yeah, i dont know how people do it for so long! I gave up before the 2 year mark!

maggie, dammit said...

With you. said...

Oh you knwo about Burnout in offices? People enervated to the deepest extent...well there is an IF corollary to that too!

Hey, Sunshine or Moonshine...there is nothing to be done but to wait...or go watch a movie? A thick chocolate shake, perhaps? How about new magazines? Or, possibly long drives! Or you could do a little Crazy Frog jig for ET....

All the very best!

Liz said...

It is exciting, but I hate that this whole process has made feeling excited something to be quashed.

Sniffle said...

There’s a James Taylor song (never fails to make me cry)
”Like Everyone She Knows.”
He’s singing about a gal who’s waiting for her true love, and about her staying strong and holding on.
Have a listen. ( I can’t do that dammed hyperlink thingy, but you’ll find it.)

Here’s some nice lines .

Let nobody fool you into giving it up too soon
Tend your own fire
Lay low and be strong
Wait awhile
Wait it out
Wait it on out
Wait it out
It'll come along

Like hairyfarmerfamily said above, Xbox and the Bestest of luck.

Russ said...

It feels good, doesn't it! I have my fingers crossed for you guys.

WhatAboutNovember said...

oh my oh my

Kori said...

I am sure that it doesn't make oyu feel any better, but dude, we are all waiting with you.

Sue said...

I will give you some unsolicited assvice and suggest that you allow yourself to feel a little of the excitement. The possibility. After 4 years, 9 cycles with the RE, 3 chemical pgs, and one 2nd trimester loss of twins, I think you have to feel it -- at least a little -- while it's there, knowing it may be over very soon. Otherwise it's just holding breath and hitting heads against walls for 4 years. You both deserve some of the joy of anticipation. The question is, can you deal with the potential crushing disappointment, and then move forward? It's not easy, not at all.

I don't know if this is helpful at all. I just know that for a few days it's nice to dream. And you guys deserve a few nice days.

Jenni said...

furiously crossing my finger that this is it.

Unknown said...

Aw I really wish this for the both of you! That last entry was so eloquent, so reflective, you are a great writer, it's clear how much this means to you and I hope you get what you want. Ruth

Blues said...

jesus, Xbox, you really got me in tears on this one. I´m so excited too for you guys.

Horse Chick said...

Xbox & ET,
May the rest of the 2WW fly ever so swiftly and drop you two right into parenthood!!!!
Wishing you all the best!

AnnB said...

If this is the one, then all the hours, months, and years of waiting will just disappear. I hope you can allow yourselves a little excitement, without it, the waiting is too cruel.
To miss quote Yeats; You have spread your dreams under your feet, tread lightly, but don't stop walking.

Lorna said...

Good luck! Keeping everything crossed!:-))))

Anonymous said...

Hmm, not sure that knitting is the way forward but surely anything that keeps you occupied is a good thing.

I'm so excited for you and have all manner of things crossed.

Anonymous said...

If it's any consolation, we're still waiting to hear if Shearer will stay. There's always something you have to wait for, sometimes one is longer than another. Like trophies!

Of course this post will be lost on most of your readers but I'm sure you get my drift.

Martin said...

@Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo - Only if I can tie it on you myself...

@meabh - wow, you are close. Best of luck. Let us know?

@IrishNYC - Yes, thanks.

@hairyfarmerfamily - It's lots of peoples turn, as we all know too well. Thanks.

@frogpondsrock - heh.

@Veronica - who's the toothless one in the corner?

@Trish - thanks Trish.

@Ms. Moon - Sounds like an interior decoration magazine.

@nishkanu - Thank you, and welcome.

@Chhandita - Nuts isn't it?

@maggie, dammit - thought I heard something...

@WiseGuy - some of those suggestons are better than others ;-)

@womb for improvement - yes, an awful lot has been 'stolen' from what should be normal.

@Sniffle - I checked it out, nice lyrics, James Taylor gives me the heebie jeebies though for some unknown reason.
Thanks Sir.

@Russ - In an 'oh shit' kind of way, yes.

@WhatAboutNovember - yep yep!

@Kori - Dude.

@Sue - I know what you mean, there's enjoyment to be had in this stage of it all too, but hard to enjoy it having been here before.

@Jenni - Just one finger?

@Ruth - Thank you Ruth i appreciate that. And Welcome, I think.

@Blues - You been at the sangria? Thanks ;-)

@Horse Chick - Thank you.

@AnnB - As good as any one to misquote I suppose!

@Lorna - Thanks.

@bsouth - Ta.

@Tismee2 - I have to say I'm more optimistic than if I were a member of the toon army.
Why do you even want him to stay?
Joking aside, Kinnear would have kept ye up.

Holemaster said...

Tap tap tap tap

Jason Roth said...

You need to find something to focus on other than the wait. Although, after what you've been through that'll be tough. How about taking a nice long nap?

tiff said...

I'm wishing with all my heart for you and ET. I'm hoping too.

I've no words of wisdom for you, nothing that will make it any easier...

but if you take up knitting, I'll have a scarf too (just don't knit yellow booties, apparently they don't work).

Karen MEG said...

The waiting is the hardest part. Excruciatingly hopeful is the best term I can come up with.

Your last post brought me right back as if it were yesterday for me, as opposed to almost 6 years ago. It was exquisite, X.

People do it long term if they have to. Two years IS a long time. We do it because we feel there is no other choice. At that very moment, that is all there is.

The hope is what keeps you going, and you have much, much to be hopeful for. And I hope that the excitement just keeps on building for you...

Karen MEG said...

The waiting is the hardest part. Excruciatingly hopeful is the best term I can come up with.

Your last post brought me right back as if it were yesterday for me, as opposed to almost 6 years ago. It was exquisite, X.

People do it long term if they have to. Two years IS a long time. We do it because we feel there is no other choice. At that very moment, that is all there is.

The hope is what keeps you going, and you have much, much to be hopeful for. And I hope that the excitement just keeps on building for you...

Sarah said...

define 'long term'?

Robin said...

I agree. It's your turn.

Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

You and ET have most definitely put in your time and paid your dues. Sincerely hoping that good things really do come to those who wait.

xx said...

So that means that you are about to do the Crazy Frog dance? You have to make a video of it!

I always thought that you would pick up the 'watch movies' over the other stuff, but looks like you are into active entertainment!

All the very best! Sending you positive vibes!

River said...

Oh gee, now I have this sudden urge to start knitting bootees and little matinee jackets. I haven't knitted baby things in 15 years. Not sure my fingers can handle it anymore.

I Am Emily... said...

I dont think I could stay sane on waiting as long as you guys have.


That's an achievement in itself.

Alison said...

I have everything crossed for you both (legs included)!!!
I'm not a patient person - but I find something about chocolate + instant gratification = a small bit of helpfulness when playing the waiting game.
Best and most positive thoughts your way :-)

P.S.. I feel a bit like I've just discovered a new book series and started at book number 20 something.

Amy said...

X, I'm hoping this is it for you... And I'm excited too.

Martin said...

@Holemaster - A lot of tapping to come I'm afraid.

@iVegasFamily - Ah yes, a sort of subhibernation? interesting...

@tiff - heh, we have a set of those ;-)

@Karen MEG - Thank you.

@Sarah - One month more.

@Robin - LOTS of peoples turn.

@Hilary (Maya Papaya) - I'm due a refund actually!

@WiseGuy - 'Rainman' is queued up for the next viewing actually.

@River - save your fingers, just cross them.

@Tanya - Thanks.

@Alison - One of my favourite things is finding a blog I like and being able to go back and read lots of previous entries.
Hope you don't get bored ;-)

@Amy - Thank you.

Anonymous said...

hello... hapi blogging... have a nice day! just visiting here....

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
hotmamamia said...

Holding my virtual breath and trying to send all positive vibes your perfect would a spring baby be?!!

Putz said...

had a burrito last night and i nearly died

Martin said...

@Hapi - mmm, right.

@File - cool, spam.

@hotmamamia - not a clue!

@Putz - nutcase

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
nola said...

You are sooo close!!! I have NO DOUBT, none, you will get there! And soon. Maybe even this time! All the best baby wishes for you and E!

B said...

When the silent prayish bit at mass came up yesterday, I thought of you.
Not much help but well wishes are being sent from the real world.

A Free Man said...

All right, let's have an update!

Dto3 said...

Waiting sucks. 7 years flies by before you know it, though. Here's hoping you don't have to wait that long!

Martin said...

@nola - hopefully, just hopefully

@B - Dunno what to say fella, thanks.

@A Free Man - Update? still waiting. And will be for a while yet.

@Dto3 - I can safely say we wont be doing this for 7 years. Thanks.

Rikki said...

I just want you to know that I wrote your blog address on a little piece of paper which is coming with me on vacation. Even though I will be sunning in the Caymans, you best beileve I will be checking in. You and ET mean THAT much to me! :)

I hope to do the happy dance at my computer in a few weeks.

Here till the end...


Susanica said...

Well at least you're becoming quite expert "waiters". Cuz once you get that news that will make you happier than you've ever been, you'll wait for so many things. Beta numbers, 6 week ultraounds to see a heartbeat with your own eyes, and so on. Everthing is so worth these waits, but they somehow change us (for the better I like to think.) So, XBox, here's to many more waits for you. (The kinds that come after the "yes" pregnancy test!) -Monica

Insch Stalker said...

XBox, and ET, really thinking of you both, and sending the very best wishes from this sunny corner of NE Scotland.

Am so hoping this 2ww turns into the 12ww to get past the 1st trimester, and then the 40ww to get your lovely bundle of happiness that you guys have surely earned by now.

As somewhat a veteran of 2wws (took us 3.5yrs to conceive) it doesn't get easier, but dammit, you guys deserve it.

Love n hugs!

meabh said...

I'm out this month. back to square 1. Deja vu. Best of luck with the waiting. Even thru the disappointment of being CD 1 again, its a relief not to have to wait any more.
How you coping?

Martin said...

@Rikki - I'm going on holidays? great.
I could do with some sun.

@Susanica - Waiting isn't even the right word anymore.

@Insch Stalker - 3.5 years scares the shite out of me.

@meabh - Oh no, sorry about that.
It's bad when its a relief!