...and she's had me tied to the bed, wrists and ankles bound. She doesn't even crack a smile as she tosses aside the unopened tube of lubricant, and tightens the belt on her over sized strap-on. She steps closer...
I woke up today a bigger idiot than normal. Why so? because I believed today was the day I would get the results from my second semen analysis.
I was mistaken.
Here in the world's best kept communist secret that is Holland, you must follow appointments, no wavering, no flexibility. I guess in a country the size of a Texan bathtub with a bigger population than Australia, you need some kind of order to avoid outright chaos. So I go along with it.
At exactly 1pm, I called for my results. I dialed the GP's office number. 17 times.
At 1:40 the phone is answered.
After the customary berating from the receptionist that I wasn't ringing between 1 & 1:30, I get put through to the doctor.
Scratch that, I get put through to a trainee something or other.
I again explain the reason behind my call, repeat my details, and wait silently, with the sound of single finger keystrokes on an iMac the only sign of life on the other end of the line.
'Uuum, I can't seem to find them right now, can I call you back this afternoon?'
An hour later she calls me back with the news that I instinctively knew was coming.
They'd lost the results.
The GP doesn't have them, the lab doesn't have them.
They are going to check up with the lab again and ring me today or tomorrow.
I'm not even gong to entertain the possibility they may find them, unless Shergar trots into their office with them sellotaped to his arse.
So, what now?
It takes around 4 weeks to get an appointment to give the sample, and 2 weeks to get results back. For the slower among you, thats 6 weeks, add in 3 Dutch national holidays in the coming weeks and you can safely say 7 weeks before I can get another set of results.
We return to our reproductive specialist, who is expecting a full set of results, in just over 5 weeks.
If we don't have a full set of results for that appointment we can forget any progress then, and can face another 6 week wait for a follow up, if we get lucky.
This particular 'whoopsie' may well cost us a set back of a couple of months.
If I were a cynical person, I would allow my mind to wonder had they in fact misplaced the original sample? What a lovely thought, here I am, unable to impregnate my wife, and there's Spencer just lying around unlabeled in a laboratory where they wash sperm for IUI and IVF treatments. Some poor skinny, blond, 9 foot tall, straight toothed Dutch couple could be in for one hell of a shock in 9 months or so.
If you hadn't already guessed from the tones of bubbling frustration, you can take the dream sequence of being anally raped by female deity as a sure sign that a total meltdown is just around the corner.
...jerking me by the legs closer to the edge of the bed, I clench, bite down on my pillow, and mutter "OK God, get it over with, just no kissing on the mouth"...