Saturday, 12 April 2008

Rolling out the 'grote kannonen'

Well campers, it's time to get all "shock n'awe" on yer asses. (I really can't pull off the American thing, can I?)

It's time for rolling out the 'big guns'.

Monday, having now officially gone into (cyclical) year two of trying to conceive, we speak with a reproductive specialist at the university hospital.

It's a relief, an annoyance, a source of hope, and a source of anxiety all in one.

We arranged the appointment some weeks back, so we have aleady had some literature through about the reproductive department ('Sectie Voortplanning')

It's quite good, includes the basics, what the usual paths of action are, what checks and test are possible. All the stuff that makes an anal 'chillingly methodical' number cruncher like me (thanks Foreigner By Default ;0) ) relax a little bit.

This brings me back to another aspect of this whole bloody 'adventure' that I've often mentioned but never gone too deep into. We live in the Netherlands, and are not native speakers.

Thanks to the mundane daily tasks we have to do to earn a few quid here, I have built up a decent level of Dutch from working with the noble race, ET less so as she works with an international company, the lucky bitch.

Dutch is a funny language, with some translations simply impossible, and some translations that are so literal you would piss yourself, or 'pis jezelf' (see what I mean?)

So I've been struggling through this reproductive literature, picking up some great new vocabulary, which I'm gonna share with you ignorant folk.

Fertility is 'vruchtbarheid' or literally 'Fruit-ability' - Does this mean our best chances are in the Autumn, like crab apples?

My testicles are 'zaadballen' or literally 'Seed balls' - Thankfully my seed balls have seed in them, but what about the poor bastards with no seed in their 'seed balls', do they then not have 'testicles' in Dutch?

An ejaculation is a 'zaadlozing' or literally a 'Seed letting loose' - Now, considering the issues I'm having with Spencer and the boys I think that's a tad insensitive.
'Letting loose' conjures up visions of wild sub-saharan African beasts thundering through the undergrowth and out into a green vast plain bellowing their cries of the wild. In fact my semen seem to be behaving like two grumpy teenage boys with hair in their eyes, flopped on the sofa, watching 6 hours of 'saved by the bell' because they are too lazy to move to pick up the remote control.
Hardly accurately described by 'letting loose'.

Bless their sensitive Dutch hearts, they do try to put a quite cosy spin on some of the more gruesome aspects. For example the dreaded post coital test is often referred to as the 'samenlevingstest' or literally the 'living together test'.
Now I presume it's intended to describe the 'living together' of his man milk and her juicy internal bits after a good old squelchy session, but I just like the explaining-where-babies-come-from type innocence of it all.

All I can say is that innocence, has most definitely, left the building.

Roll on 'grote kannon' Monday when I'll be standing prepared with my Dutch-English dictionary in my hand and my heart in my mouth...

I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has been commenting, with advice, tips, reassurance, recounting their own experience, and well wishing. It surprises me no end how nice some of you gits can actually be. Off the top of my head I just want to say a special thanks to Ashely from
BossSanders and Bernard from RaisingEli who both went 'above and beyond' in offering advice & information, and well wishes, respectively.

27 comments:

Tara R. said...

I think it says a lot about your mental health that you can post this with such humor and honesty. I really wish you and ET the best of luck and hope all this provides you a little xbox or even a whole game room.

The Immoral Matriarch said...

Tara stole my comment. I don't appreciate that shit.

Tismee2 said...

So is Spencer bi-lingual now? Maybe you need to do your 'half time talks' in Dutch?

Putz said...

all the time in my youth the word from the medical, spiritual, fertility peolple was verboten, and then when i got to be a man, the word was frequency, and then when we got desperate, the word was DON'T LET UP EVEN FOR ONE INSTANCE

frog ponds rock... said...

I was going to add a witty and thoughtful yet quietly encouraging comment.. But all I can see is a rampaging wildebeest tearing about the place...

geez thanks mate..

Goaldeebug said...

After reading your entire blog in two sessions, including comments, I can honestly say that there are a lot of people who are going to be there with you on Monday, if only in spirit!

Maybe you will hear the cheering from the peanut gallery for you, ET and Spencer to finally get the answers you need to get those zootballen vuren raketten

:)

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

I need an "Irish-to-Proper-American" dictionary.
Examples:
quid
bits
bloke
Just to name a few...
You know I'd do whatever I could for you. If only fertility was catching.

Ashley said...

Thank you for the lovely Dutch edu-ma-cating. Seed balls? Really?

Anja said...

'zaadlozing' is now my word of the week. Bless your little 'seed balls'

Veronica said...

Fruit-ability?

Hmmm, it's Autumn here now... I keep telling you to visit Oz...

Foreigner by Default said...

You're welcome, Xbox! :D Anytime you need to be insulted - I'll be there for you!

Just a piece of useless knowledge (which you MUST crave at this stage of your life) testicles in estonian are "munad" (literally "eggs") and ejaculation "seemnepurse" (literally "seed eruption").

So if "letting loose" is making you vaguely wary, just think of "eruption".

Mwahahahaaaa.

Lyssa Ireland Thomas said...

Holy Hell, man! You just get better at writing by the day! You're gonna end up with a baby AND a book deal at this rate!

HILARIOUS post!

Roth Family Adventures said...

That Dutch language (of some of my ancestors) is quite strange. Good luck on Monday. Perhaps the doctor can get your teenagers off the sofa.

Dan said...

I think the Dutch accent was designed purely for its comedy value.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Tara R. - trust me, my mental state is not something we really wanna scratch the surface of!

thanks very much.

@Immoral Matriarch - thats not very fucking original now is it? make something up...

@Tismee2 - if I did, he'd never move for the laughing...

@Putz - there'll be no letting up, thats for sure.

@Frog Ponds Rock - bonza!

@Goaldeebug - you are a patient woman I'll give you that!
thanks!

@Awholelotofnothing - as follows:
Quid - bucks, buttons, dinero, beer vouchers.

Bits - Junk, male and female.

Bloke - a dude, a fella, a gozer.

If fertility was catching I'd lick your toilet seat.

@Ashley - really. the truth is stranger than fiction.

@Anja - that may well be the first blessing anyone has given my goolies.

@Veronica - fruitability indeed!... wonder would an Aussie trip be covered by my insurance?

@Foreigner by default - one can never have enough ways of describing their own reproductive organs, if this past year is anything to go by I'll need a lot bloody more!

@Lyssa - very kind words, but isn't it a bit early to be drinking?

@Roth family adventures - certainly is a strange language... thanks!

@Dan - The Dutch are odd folk, they look funny, they behave funny, and their TV ads are hilarious, but I've never met an intentionally funny Dutch person. Odd.

bsouth said...

Sorry pet, you really can't pull of the american thing (as twere). Thank you though for the enlightening translations. I'll never be able to look at my husbands bits (sorry, meant to say junk) in quite the same way!

Fingers crossed for tomorrow.

Tracey said...

Good luck! Let those seeds fall where they may *guffaws*

morninglight mama said...

Okay, so I admit that this might be just a tad bit silly, but your blog has become one of my new funny favorites, and I've got a little something for you over on my blog. Care to accept?

nola said...

How cool is Dutch? I know for us, getting with a specialist made all the difference in no time at all. Here's hoping the same holds true for you and ET.

Hilary (The Trying Game) said...

Wishing you so much luck for Monday, not to mention for Year Two.

Nutjobber said...

You Asked for it...

maggie, dammit said...

Your seed is strewn all over Ask and Ye Shall Receive today, and I, for one, am grateful.

Good luck to you and yours.

love bites said...

Here's hoping your boys swim as strongly as you write! Cuz, you ROCK!

Captain Steve said...

I have just torn through most of your archives, and I'm sure the neighbors have enjoyed several entertaining facial expressions ranging from mild disgust to insane laughter ("seed balls?" The Dutch are either 70's porn freaks or sexual dynamos.) You are blogrolled, my vertically challenged Irish friend. Good luck with the knocking up of the Mrs.

Calli's Mama said...

I told you a while ago about a couple who went through something similar to yours ant ET's situation. Anyway, I asked them how long they tried before they went to a specialist. They tried for 13 months to no avail. Fortunately, the specialist was able to help them and I think (from what it sounds like) their situation (swimmer-wise) was much more dire than yours. Now, they have two perfect little boys....first try....both times....only one egg implanted. (I think I already told you that part). Anyway, if it can happen for them..it can happen for you guys!. We are rooting for you two..(three, if you count Spencer)

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Bsouth - I'm here to educate...

@Tracey - falling where they may seems to be the bloody problem...

@Morninglight Mama - not at all, very kind. I'm glad you enjoy it enough to come back now and again.

@nola - frankly, not very. Indeed, the specialist is our great white hope right now.

@Hilary - year two...Uuugh....

@Nutjobber - I've sucked up enough to you now, so just, thanks.

@maggie, dammit - thanks, I'm seriously chuffed at that. great name btw...

@love bites - you're gonna give me a big head. fuck it, continue...

@Captain Steve - I LOVE it when people say they've read back through it. gives me a real buzz.

@Calli's Mama - thanks for the story, it's VERY reassuring. The statistics aren't so good so every good story ending is welcome.

Melinda Zook said...

OMG, those are some interesting translations. Seed balls? Still chuckling here. Sorry to hear your boys are acting a bit lazy. Typical teenagers... I think that says something about your inner youth, eh? Maybe taking their car keys away for a month will straighten them out.