I know you are only one among millions down there, but you're the one I feel I have a connection with, the one I can talk to. I see you as a leader among men. Well, semen at least.
We've been through a lot together, you, your buddies and me.
Remember the first time we met? That was an eye opener, certainly was for my stuffed animals anyway.
Over the next few years we had lot of good times, we met up with each other at every opportune moment, and quite a few inopportune ones.
In fact, to date, I can only think of one single occasion where we met that wasn't entirely pleasurable.
But things are changing...I'm not gonna butter you up, I'm gonna tell it to you straight.
You need to get your act together down there and get your crew in order.
Lets look at the facts.
You have one hell of a crew, a big following, in fact every time we throw a party, 160 million of you guys show up. That's great, it's just what we want to hear.
Of that 160 million, just about the right number of you lot are not complete freaks.
Heads - check, tails - check.
Again, great. The 33% of you that are in decent shape leaves us with 52.8 million studs.
You should be pretty proud of that. I know I am.
Now comes the tricky stuff. I know you don't wanna hear it but you need to face up to it. 35.9 million of those studs are time wasters. They don't move AT ALL. They sit on their arses admiring their perfectly formed heads and combing their tails and totally miss their cue.
I would appreciate it if you could see your way clear to doing something about these guys, they are good enough, but they gotta get some inspiration from somewhere. It's up to YOU Spencer.
Failing that, you must, at the very least, get these fellas out of the way, keep them at the back, out of harms way if you will. This is because you have 16.9 million stud buds who DO know where to go, and of those, 11.6 million get there bloody fast.
We've got a few really big weeks coming up Spence, you and me. You have a few days for practice runs but in less than two weeks you're going to be called upon, for real. No more dribbling out like a runny nose, you've got to fly like you've never flown before, and swim like your life depended on it. (Actually, it does depend on it but let's not dwell on the morbidity of it all.)
At best only a few of you will make it, but I have every faith that you will be there, leading the charge. When you get there Spence, hang on for dear life, sink your little teeth in. Work that freakishly big head of your's inwards, wiggle your bum, worm your way in, weather the storm, and don't take no for an answer.
I know you can do it, ET knows you can do it, all your buddies down there know you can do it, together Spence, we will help propel you to greatness.
You can achieve fame beyond your wildest wet dreams. Forget the creepy anonymous sperm guys from 'look who's talking', forget the D-list 'celebrity stain' on Monica Lewinski's dress, you are on the verge of spunking heroics.
I know you are apprehensive. I know this is unchartered territory. I know this is a long way from the safety net of a kleenex. I know you are doubting if we can do it, but Barack, Bob the builder and I are here to tell you Spence, that - Yes.We.Can!
Don't let the significance of the day that's in it pass you by, it's St. Patrick's day, the day of celebration of your proud people all over the world, who left their homeland and made a life somewhere else, you need to follow in their footsteps.
You're a big time player now Spence.
'Carpe Diem' Spencer my faithful buddy, 'Carpe Diem'.