Wednesday 23 April 2008

Mother Nature & Uri Geller walk into a bar

You may or may not have noticed, but I tend to be somewhat preoccupied by one particular subject. As much as it disturbs me that I may be boring you, this is all just for me and my sanity now, so we are just going to continue along the same vein of tedium.

It struck me, as it does every bloody four weeks, that right now, really fascinating stuff is happening inside our bodies.

OK, not so much in mine per say, unless you count the digestion of half a dozen frozen sausages along with amounts of zinc so abnormally high that my neighbours should be wearing haz-mats, but rather, in the bodies of 'the ladies'.

Right this minute, in ET for example, there are wee spermies lying in wait for that cocky egg to descend, today, tomorrow, or maybe the day after.

They will attempt to pounce on her and nibble their way in. They'll try to grip on for dear life and hope she sticks in the one spot.

If they manage that, it's the start of a life, a human. (Don't go getting all technical on me now you anally retentive livestock buggerers, it IS the start of life for the purpose of this tripe)

What gets me is that this immeasurable event could be taking place right in front of you, or even in you, and you don't know squat about it. Her nose won't glow redder, or her hair won't stand on end, or she won't start yelping uncontrollably.


This is where I have a gripe with mother nature, surely this is deserving of a more marked physical manifestation. Give me something woman, a sign of some sort, have an appendage burst into flames, or have a loud blood curdling noise emit itself from the female form, or even just a funny smell would do. Otherwise, you're really just being a teasing bitch.

I won't hold my breath.

I've also been thinking about the power of positive thought!

Take Uri Geller for example, he makes an entire nation's cutlery bend with a few 'Ummmms' and the odd rub of his temples. I'm fairly certain that if he can do that, he has the wherewithal to get a few bits and bobs together to form a zygote for us shagged out misfortunes.

In fact, he's a buddy of Michael Jackson isn't he? He's got kids and I have serious doubts as to whether anyone really bumped uglies with him to create them.

It MUST be down to Uri Geller that he has the little balcony danglers.

So Uri, this is a plea from my disease ridden heart to you, rub yourself and moan for me tonight while concentrating hard on my wife's innards.

There's a good chap.


Ashley said...

As a lady, I have to say I am quite glad there are no limbs engulfed in flames as conception happens. You know how dangerous that could be? lol And, I'm also glad (if not equally) that there is no smell. Um, gross!!! lol SOMETIMES though SOMETIMES when an egg implants itself there is a tad bit of blood and sometimes women will feel a sharp pain (I did) so you have that...just bug her for a while and tell her to tell you every little twinge she gets. lol. Err...that could backfire. Point is, please don't pray too much for crazy noises, smells, and flames...unless they shall be coming from the man once the woman gets pregnant. Wait, no don't pray for that either. lol

Unknown said...

This is without a doubt, the best post on the subject of Uri Geller touching himself and thinking of a woman's innards.

Also, Mother Nature surely is a teasing bitch.

Also, the physical manifestation that happens later on is rather pronounced. As is the psychological as well. I think that MN worked on taht aspect first, and got lazy about the Rudolph's nose aspect.

Anonymous said...

This was just too funny! I love reading your posts.

I'd vote for just a glowing smell, flames, or noises. But, it would be nice to have something.

Paddy in BA (Quickroute) said...

I thought Mickey J was one and the same as that Arc angel Michael bloke that visited the virgin Mary for the whole immaculate conception magic trick - you may want to give him a shout - I hear he's short of a few bob so may be in the market for this kind of stuff!

justmylife said...

Uri thinking hard about your wife's innards, that just sounds so wrong. And please do not pray hard enough to curse women with another awful thing to happen to her by way of mother nature, we can't take it! Perhaps the man could burst into flames when he gets a woman pregnant! Sounds better to me! Good luck to Spencer and Elli!

Lyssa said...

Actually, a lot of women might agree with me on this, there were signs pretty quickly (well before the pregnancy test), but I just didn't know about them the first time. Watch ET for enhanced smelling ability (like brownies baking in another country), sensitive breasteses and the being positive her period is about to start. Also, watch for her forgetting things, like her credit card at the pharmacy and your name. ALL happened to me almost immediately.

Jason Roth said...

I don't know if I'd want Uri thinking of my wife's innards. Oh wait, thinking is fine, but touching is definitely out of the question.

Anonymous said...

God, I hope Uri doesn't get confused in all the madness and end up bending YOUR spoon; poor Spencer would have to learn how to negotiate a right or left turn.

Kori said...

Hm, I knew immediately wit hthe last one-like, even though I was on the pill and even though I was SO not wanting or hoping or even thinking about EVER getting knocked up again, I knew within a couple of weeks-So I agree with lyssa about the heightened sense of smell. also, implantation feels like a really shar cramp on one side, and is pretty unmistakeable.

As an aside, I have no clue AT ALL who Uri Gellar is-and I think I am glad.

Jenni said...

We have to deal with the whole physical manifistation of beijng pregnant for the better part of a year, and spewing forth a young one from our loins. I think that's why we are spared flaming conceptions (you shall agree once you witness the above.)

Madam Crunchypants said...

Another no vote on the flaming appendage notification of conception.

I might opt for a lovely 'sugar cookies baking' smell though.

"ooh, my dear, you smell just like sugar cookies... You must be knocked up!"

That could be nice. But only if the smell went away before morning sickness sets in.

Anonymous said...

Blimey, you're right, I'd never even considered it. There should be some kind of sign. I didn't know I was pregnant until I suddenly realised something hadn't happened. I would have been quite amused by a flaming appendage. Anything to brighten up the day.

Kimberly McKay said...

I have read your blog you silly guy. LOVE this post...hilarious! The most entertaining one to date!

Stacy said...

the fact that Micheal Jackson has kids scares me... bad

Anonymous said...

Finding your blog last week was the best ever. You're hilarious! And you're really good at striking the balance between the serious and absurd.

The Miss of Abyss said...

Dude, I'm reasonably sure that when Uri touches himself, he doesn't think about women.

frog ponds rock... said...

mmm I have heard of children being called rugrats, crumbcrunchers, anklebiters.. but balcony danglers..oh dear the imagery the imagery...

*goes away to have a bex and a good lie down*


Momo Fali said...

Oh my. You paint quite a picture.

MarĂ­a said...


You friggin' KILL me.

Laski said...

"I've also been thinking about the power of positive thought!"

It works . . .

Veronica Foale said...

I think that as soonas you fall pregnant, your toenails should turn blue.

That way there would be no doubt that you were pregnant.

Missives From Suburbia said...

I hope that's the first time you've ever encouraged another man to rub himself while contemplating your wife's innards. And the last.

Is Uri Geller still alive?

Anonymous said...

Uri rubbing and moaning to himself?

For some reason I feel quite ill now.

Anonymous said...

Uri rubbing himself and moaning. Well I won't be needing to think about baseball the next I need to last a little longer. I'll be lucky now to even get it up after having that picture in my head.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

Sending positive Michael Jackson/Uri Gellar/Oprah thoughts your way.

And my fertile innards' vibes.

Unknown said...

Ahhh, your girl will just "know" when she's sperminated, isn't that what they say?

In all honesty, I did have a "know" moment while walking to the store to buy a bottle of wine. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I turned left to the pharmacy, rather than right to the wine and low and behold, I was preggers.

Rob Monroe said...

I really like the glowing belly idea. ET really would be ET!

Blue toenails would be a fun indicator. Fairly private, but show-off-able too. I would request sky blue over busted-toenail-blue. That's a gross color!

Wishing you the best.

Putz said...

a drum roll, please, i envision a shy bunch of halfed soused sperm standing in a corner at a party, talking quietely about sperm sports, and sperm polotics and then all of a sunnden one leaps from the group in the midst of some insane laughter as the embarassing moment has arrived, i really don't know what i envision now

Anonymous said...

'Rubbing Uglies' did it for me. You have such a way of describing things.

I go with the other women for non combustion, but can also confirm that I 'knew' the second time, despite it being totally unexpected. Call it women's intuition.

I'm so looking forward to reading about the ten months of pregnancy!

Martin said...

@Ashley - SO basically, there is no way of knowing whatsoever...

@Khyle - Uri needs the publicity ;0)

@Tyler - Exactly, something, like that reversing truck beeping noise...

@Quickroute - Can't afford MJ, fucking OPKs cost a fortune.

@justmytlife - I'd give a finger or two to combustion if I could.

@Lyssa - Those symtoms sound like an average Thursday round here

@Roth Family Adventures - You don't NEED his services, remember?

@NUkeDad - A moment to vomit, please.

@Kori - Uri Geller quite undescribable

@Jenni - as the saying goes, 'I'll believe it when I see it'

@Thalias Child - If I smelled lovely baking cookies in this house I would assume ET was kidnapped and replaced by someone else.

@bsouth - See, I DO have good ideas...

@wornoutwoman - You are easily amused

@SNowmanpoop - 'Beat it' hahaha, I kill me.

@Erika - Mmmmmaw. Kind words, makes me nervous, but nice all the same. THank you oh wordy one ;0)

@Anja - snort, true.

@Frog pond's Rock - Im sure it'll catch on.

@Momo Fali - and not a severed ear in sight!

@Immoral Matriarch - was that a request?

@LaskiGal - Tell me more...!

@Veronica - I think it would take more than sapphire nails to convince me of my own pregnancy

@Missives - I was young, in college, needed the money...

@Dan - 16 miles on a Sausage sandwich perhaps?

@Married Leos - Tell the queen i said theres no need to thank me ;0)

@A whole lot of nothing - where did Oprah come into it? has she bought kids now too?

@Huckdoll - She doesnt even notice when I'm delivering anymore!

@Rob Monroe - Thank you very much Sir, appreciated.

@Putz - Bless you putz... you're as nuts as I am....

@Tismee2 - 10 months? I've already had 12....