Friday 23 May 2008

Patience Patients

So here we are, another work week behind us.

I use that term lightly, ('work' that is, not 'week') as I haven't actually done a tap of any.

These have been an odd old few days, we've been playing with the new bulk shipment of OPK's and they've been giving some funny results.

When I say 'playing' I mean pissing on them, not engaging them in monopoly or chess or anything like that. Also, when I say 'we' I mean ET of course, there wouldn't be a whole lot of point in me wazzing on one, as tempting as that actually is.

The funny results from them are not so much belly wobbler funny, as they are head scratcher funny. CD11 gave an almost full blown positive LH surge, with nothing since. Day 11 is WAY earlier a positive than the old sarcastic brand of OPKs.

So as with everything else, we have't got any shagging clue. Literally.

So we hump n'hope.

Monday brings us back to the specialist, where we'll finally have all the relevant test results and hopefully get some plan of action from her.

We fantasise about us being shown a dessert trolley full of options and choices, while the chances are the only decision we will have to make is what our escape route from the building should be when I'm forced to murder the overeducated procastinating hag.

Nevertheless, with my dusty cobweb covered optimistic head on, should we be given choices, what should we do?
Do we start popping ovulation stimulation drugs (again, ET, not me) in the hope that Spencer the dozy bastard will hit SOME target?, or do we shoot straight for an IUI, medicated or otherwise?, or do we just take a detour by the maternity ward and pick up something off the rail?

Personally I like the idea of putting Spencer in a rocket to the planet uterus, but what do I know, I'm just a frustrated, sub-fertile, patience deficient, obsession fuelled turkey baster with legs & braces.

While I'm sucking lemons, I've decided to be proactive and combat the 'just relax' brigade, I'm going to force feed a bucket of laxatives to the next 'just relax-er' that comes my way, and then we'll see how easy it is...

Now, where's that bottle opener.


Kori said...

Oh, for God's sake, just freaking relax. Please. Yeah, I get that, I like it almost as much as I like those "Look on the bright side!" folks. Like, I want to kill them, much like you want to kill the procrastinating hag. I digress-all's I can say, dude, is enjoy the humping; I am not getting any, so you two enjoy it for me, ok? :)

Jill said...

OK, love your blog, been a lurker for awhile, had to finally comment here. In the same boat as you - going on almost 2 years now trying - rather agitated. If one more person says, "just relax", I think I'd have to stick my foot up their rectum.

Good luck at your specialist.

Anonymous said...

Oh,nothing pissed be off when we were TTC MJ (and still gets me actually) then someone telling me to just relax. Yeah, because if I just sit back and chill I'll endup knocked up for sure. *sigh* People are idiots.

I like your idea of force feeding them laxatives.

Good luck on Monday

Anonymous said...

"Just relax." When in the history of the planet has THAT suggestion ever produced the desired results? I feel my own reproductive organs tensing up just hearing it, and I'm not even trying, for God's sake! If it makes you feel any better (and I'm sure it won't), the same people giving you retarded advice about how to conceive will be lining up round the block to tell you how you're doing everything wrong with your kids.

Rachel said...

Never ever has just relax ever had that effect on anyone.
You have my thoughts dear one, you and her royal bad assedness that is your wife!
Good luck.
Lots of spermy fertile egg hitting prayers!

Jenni said...

you should do the opposite of relax. you should start taking caffine pills and uppers and drinking margaritas. that's show 'em.

and good luck on monday.

and find me on twitter. i don't know what i'm doing.

Putz said...

i was going to take a break from COMMENTING, but habit, i'm i addicted?????? probably, i hate HATE peple who tell you to relax, people,,he is he is heis, or he i doing it as well as he can possibly do it, he can't do it any other way...there is only one way, and the getting it up is not relaxing, never was is or has been, it wasn't meant to be done while relaxing with a margaritte in your hand...either you concentrate on the drink or the DEED..oh i just noticeed that jill above me said the same thing, thank god i'm not alone

Martin said...

@Kori - We'll be thinking of you ;0)

@Jill - Well hello! Thanks for de-lurking, I know it's not always easy.
2 years eh? Ouch.
Anytime I hear of someone trying longer I feel like a fraud.

Maybe we could combine our 'just relax' retaliations, laxatives and blocked rectum...

(and thanks !)

@cablegirl - Thanks very much. I almost tend to laugh hysterically when I hear it now.

@prayingtodarwin - queuing up around the block eh? BRING 'EM ON...

@Rachel - Thank you, again, it's much appreciated.

@Jenni - there's an idea, go to the specialist absolutely off our heads on LSD...just relax duuuude.

@Putz - I seriously don't think you can ever be alone, not in your head anyway!

Your advice has been heeded, and is appreciated, as always sir.

Anonymous said...

Yeah...when people tell ME to "just relax" I want to ram my fist down their throat and see how relaxed they become. Hotty Hubby tells me I have some underlying violence issues. But really...."just relax"?? THAT is your helpful advice? Whatever.

I'm not in the same boat as you, so I honestly don't understand, nor do I have any advice that could be remotely construed as constructive, so I just keep my mouth shut, cross my fingers and hope like hell that things start working for you.

But seriously dude...just relax.

Yes..I'm cheeky. And I love to do this..... ...... ......

James (SeattleDad) said...

"Just relax"? Sheesh.

Those comments used to drive me freakin' crazy when we got them - 4 years TTC and we heard it all the time, along with many other great lines I'm sure you've heard (like, "we'll pray for you," or "maybe you aren't meant to have biological kids" - that one hurt).

We went through every treatment - the thermometer, the pee-stick fertility monitory, the clomid pills (and resulting ovarian cysts), the monthly IUIs, the shots for IVF and failed cycles. Ugh.

We were told, after 4 years, that we probably couldn't get pregnant. So, we decided to adopt. Then, got pregnant 2 months later without all those nasty chemicals and doctors.

We thank our lucky stars each day. But you know what those wisea**s say now? "Good thing you just relaxed!"

I'll help hold them down while you force-feed them the laxatives. Better yet, I'll make some tasty brownies with them in it so they don't know what hit them.

Good luck with your cycle!! And, a little judicious bottle-opener use never hurt anyone - your wife's eggs can't get drunk!

(Mrs. LIAYF)

Audubon Ron said...

I didn’t understand a word you said. But I laughed anyway.

B said...

What's an OPK?

I dont get paid for overtime and still do my work superslow, so no-one ever tells me to relax at work. I'd just walk over to the display chairs, sit down on one and sleep if they did.
Now that I've thought of that I actually will do it if the situation arises unfortunately.

Martin said...

@MadWomanMeg - Cheeky is ok, I like cheeky. I like underlying violence issues too come to think of it.

@James Austin - Seriously 4 years, I do NOT know how you managed it.

I'm about to pop open another bottle now, thanks to Mrs LIAYF....

@Audubon Ron - that's all that counts I suppose! which bits didn't you understand?

Have you a NOLA connection?

@B - OPK = Ovulation Prediction Kit ... you might have to read a few of the older posts or the about me...
My life is now work and shag in the quest to get the wife knocked up...
Just Relax is the favourite saying of folk you don't quite get why you may be a tad frustrated at nigh on 14 months straight humping and no kid...

Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

OMG I HATE OPKs!!! They never worked for me. I never got accurate results from using them. In fact, one time I got a crazy half-line (where half the line was really dark and the other half was really light). I had to call the 1-800 number on the package just to have them tell me that I should try another package.

I want you to try an IUI. Let the professionals deal with the guess work.

As always, I am always thinking of you and ET and of course, sending lots of good wishes your way.

And PS- I hate the "just relax" sentiment. In fact, I think it's one of the most insensitive things someone can say to a person trying for a baby.

Anonymous said...

Strewth, some of you are a bit tetchy at the moment, I guess you are right, relaxing isn't good for you guys.

I'm getting an image of Basil Fawlty here.

Er can I say 'good luck' for something helpful on Monday without being fearful for my innards?

How's the book coming along by the way?

Anonymous said...

Blimey love. I was going to make some sarkey comment but then I read the rest of your comments and feared for my life. I'm with Tismee, good luck it that's ok and how's the book?

Tara R. said...

Testy! I like it when you're feisty.

Please don't go all 'postal' on the hag... you might need her. Hope the dessert tray offers some good options for you.

Momo Fali said...

Sorry dude. I have your bottle opener.

justmylife said...

To relax would defeat the purpose, wouldn't it?heh! Good luck Monday.

Martin said...

@Hilary - I have to laugh, sorry, you sound SO angry lol

I want us to try an IUI too, Spencer in a rocket...

Insensitive isn't really correct I think, no one is intentionally insensitive over this stuff.

@Tismee2 - Book is coming along according to plan, i.e. not at all.

Basil're not helping my BP woman!

@bsouth - are you Tismee2's twin?

@Tara R - ET likes it when I'm 'Testy' ;0) -and thanks!

@Momo Fali - It's ok, I used my teeth, braces need replacing though...

@justmylife - indeed it would, thanks very much, appreciated.

Anonymous said...

I reckon the 'just relax' comment must rate right up there with 'it was for the best' comments to mums who have miscarried.

All the comment does is make the speaker feel like they are being empathetic with their meaningless platitude, and makes it abundantly clear to the recipient of said idiotic statements that the speaker has absofreakinglutely no fucking idea at all and is worthy of being beaten to a bloodied pulp.

Hope the over educated chick gives you a handbasket full of options at least.

jnifferjuniper said...

I recently found your blog, and today decided to share my two cents.
My hub and I tried for 4 years - when we decided to see the specialist I went in with a definite plan- 3 medicated IUI's then an IVF.
I can't remember the numbers but the chances of IUI working are great, and then they significantly drop after 3 tries.
We were 'unexplained' infertility.
The IVF cycle worked.
Then 6 months after our child was born we were pregnant naturally.
Totally pissed me off!
But that is the way these things work...
Anywhoo...wanted to wish you luck whatever road you choose.
Also I was a nurse at a fertility I may chime in here more often!!

Veronica Foale said...

I don't think anything about TTC and having kids is conducive to relaxing. AT ALL.

Bring on Monday.

ladyshanae said...

"Just relax" seriously has to be one of the most annoying things people have ever said to someone TTC (though I have heard other things that top it). Especially when it comes from people who have never experienced infertility. After our 5th year of trying, those comments pretty much disappeared because people started realizing that it wasn't about relaxing - there was seriously something wrong.

I am a firm believer in IUI. After 8+ years, that is what finally worked for us. We did a medicated cycle and BOOM. But that is not the case for everyone. However, I say - why not give it a "shot." :)

MarĂ­a said...

If I told you to relax would you fly to the US and hit me? Because I'd say it if you would, just to get the chance to meet you.

Because you're awesome.

Talina said...

:-) My guy should read your blog! We are totally in the same boat, just started trying and are failing.

I had a whole slew of blood work done in April (that I ahve to pay 100% out of pocket) that said everything was normal despite the fact that my cycles are MESSED UP!

Ave. Min. Max.
Ovulation: 47 22 106
Luteal Phase: 13 6 17
Cycle length: 55 33 119

Did you guys get a diagnosis earlier or have you always been in the dark about what is going on

Martin said...

@Bettina - Well I don't ALWAYS blame the people who say it, they usually mean well, but I'm still gonna kill.

Thank you m'am.

@jnifferjuniper - 4 years makes me want to peel my eyeballs.
Amazing story, nice to see success in the end though.
Thank you, it's appreciated.

@Veronica - I think you should have put a full stop after 'TTC' and left it at that ;0)

@Ladyshane - Yikes, 5 years.
You guys are killing me.
I can imagine a few other comments that would be just as bad given the right situation!
From the 'evidence' we have, I favour IUI.
Thanks for your story.

@Immoral Matriarch - Awesome? God bless the internet is all I can say.

@Talina - Welcome!
Those are some SERIOUSLY messed up figures.
How do you know when to do anything?

No diagnosis yet, we had thought it was down to motility, but the RS didn't consider he results that bad, and a hugely improved 2nd analysis rules that out as the sole cause.
We've had all the bloods and analysis, which we will bring together and discuss on Monday.

We knew something was up after 7, 8, 9 months of REALLY trying, we are now in cycle 14 and trying to speed up the doctors.

Anonymous said...

For the love of all things holy, would you just relax! Take a holiday, buy a dog, get a life, do something just for you...

yeah, right.

Love ya babe. Good grizzly adamless vibes to you and ET. Hope you get everything you need from those red pant wearing people.

hugs,will be thinking of you both.

BusyDad said...

I applaud your reaching out for alcoholic sustenance. It makes me feel less alone. Is that bad? Cheers, my friend!

Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

I guess I got all worked up just thinking about those darn OPKs! :-)

I know that no one means to be intentionally insensitive, but I just think the "relax" comment shows a total lack of understanding. I always found it stinging and offensive whenever someone told that to us when we were trying.

Just my 2 cents (granted their Canadian cents, so who knows how much it's really worth!)

Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

Oops I meant THEY'RE, not their. hehe

Anonymous said...

"So we hump n'hope."

Reason #2545 you're my writing hero.

Martin said...

@Tiff - As always, thank you for 'getting' it.

@BusyDad - While I question your specific choices, like that filthy Newcastle stuff, I admire your tactics.

@Hilary - I'm still laughing at the image of you sitting there with your big bump, pounding furiously on the keyboard..."fuckers...tap tap tap...just relax...tap tap tap..."

Everything you say is true though.

@Maggie, dammit - That's just teasing me that is.

Anonymous said...

Did someone say Newcastle?

Anonymous said... will you administer those? Just need to know all the details before I tell you to relax and keep up the jackhammering!

Anonymous said...

Pancreas punching is rather effective for those arsehats you know.

Take a nice relaxing deep breath and POW!!! Upper cut to the pancreas.

immensely satisfying you know.

I have made it my mission to do that to people that say 'God only gives special children to special people'

♥.Trish.♥ Drumboys said...

Good luck for Monday FS appointment -
hope they give you & ET the options you want and you walk away 'relaxed' - knowing there is a new plan !

We relaxed for 12 years before anything happened -at least you are taking the bull by his horns or rather B@lls and doing something.

Martin said...

@Tismee2 - It was a throwaway sympathy comment, about the substandard Newcastle ale, as opposed to the substandard Newcastle footie team.

@Wpat - 'jackhammering' I'm so going to use that one later.

Force feeding, ram them gown the gob.

@Kelley - 'God only gives special children to special people'
Oh nice.
Although I've heard a variation on that one, not directly at the parents face...'That's what what they get now for X Y or Z'

@Baby~amore - 12, you meant to say 1 or 2 yeah?

TWELVE? sweet adorable mother of f*&$
You have the patience of a saint.

and thanks!

♥.Trish.♥ Drumboys said...

xbox we didn't know any better ;) - it was only after I found the Internet I knew we were doing it wrong ;) - we had 'humping and hoping' going for us but nothing else.

Oh, I missed Kelley's comment - another pearler in the f'ed up perfect world of 'relaxed' people ... like people telling us these 'things happen for a reason' and maybe we weren't meant to be parents.

Hope tomorrow gives some positive answers.

Captain Steve said...

Good luck with the dessert tray, and here's hoping you're as decisive as necessary. I always end up wobbling between the creme brulee and the cheesecake, because there is always freaking cheesecake. Ahem. Keep on humpin', friend.

Stacy said...

hump n hope... those are the phrase that just keep bring me back


Martin said...

@Baby~amore - I'd love to know what way ye were doing it then!

@Captain Steve - Cheers Sir, I'm partial to a bit of cheesecake myself.

@Snowmanpoop - Sometimes there's just no other way to phrase these things...

Anonymous said...

I've seen you around on a few other blogs and I can't believe it's taken me this long to come visit.

It's always refreshing to 'find' someone new, especially when they're from the greener side of the Pond. I came to the States from Scotland for a 6-month hiatus and life got in the way of my plans. I met my husband and we were married just over a year later. I've been here nigh on 8.5 years now.

We too, struggled with infertility for two years before we gave up and went and saw someone who knew what they were taking about. We have two little boys now and I endeavour every day to never take it for granted.

I know how frustrating it can be, and how something so intimate can become a task and a major pain in the arse. I'd never say 'relax', hell no, not even a 'stop trying to try'. Good luck at the specialist. I'll definitely be back.

The Miss of Abyss said...

Dude, it must be a right royal pain in the arse trying to conceive. Um... maybe that's where you're going wrong. *sniggers*

I AM going to tell you to relax; at the risk of being cyberpunched in the pancreas. Stressing out about infertility cannot help. Yeah, yeah... easier said that done, but both your bodies are being put through the wringer. Stress will not help.

Take time to remember why you want this kid in the first place. That silly thing of loving each other and thinking that the other person is the type of person you want to have a kid with.

Relax, tell ET you love her for more than her uterus, and show her in that special way. Good luck with the specialist.

Backpacking Dad said...

I will give you a very manly high five or headbutt in recognition of the fact that you cannot, will not, and must not relax. Relaxing is what you do between trials, not during them.

To tribulations' end! May we all see it.

AnnD said...

When I was trying to get pregnant, I didn't get a positive OPK until Day 20! I began pissing on them on Day 10 I believe and was so worried when it didn't happen around CD 14ish! So, women's cycles can do some pretty screwy things. Hopefully, on CD 11 you made your baby! I was reading in People magazine this week about a fertility story and the books that were recommended in the article were called: "Inconceivable" and "The Infertility Cure." Also a website called
Maybe you've heard of these and maybe you haven't but I thought of you when I read the article....much love and luck to you and ET!

Karen MEG said...

Hope all goes well with the specialist tomorrow; I know for us it gave things at least a direction to have someone sit down with us and map out a plan, or at least stages at which point we would have to make decisions. But at least it gives you a semblance of control over something which you know you have absolutely no control over.

Keeping my fingers crossed, and I have been thinking about you a lot lately. In fact, at your suggestion, will be sharing some of my own experiences over in my minute corner of the blogosphere. Not nearly as eloquently or hilariously as you have; but bit by bit anyway.

And when we were TTC, I came this close to packing a hot poker with me to stab anyone in the eye who ever suggested that I needed to "relax". I never thought of the laxative angle ... brilliant.

Martin said...

@Abritdifferent - funny how life takes over and you ebd up staying somewhere for so long, when a year or whatever was the intention.
Thanks for the well wishes, it's appreciated.

@Omni - I should kick your arse, but you're funny, so you get away with it, this time...

@Backpacking Dad - High fives will do me just fine!

@AnnD - Thanks for the recommendations, I think I know one, if it's the same one, but ont the other.
Thanks very much.

@KarenMEG - I look forward to reading your story, I really do, thanks!

Anonymous said...

I agree with justmylife, if you 'relaxed', 'it' wouldn't work would it.

I feel your frustration. (with my left hand) Don't ask what of yours I am feeling with my right.


Martin said...

@Widdle shamrock - That's for the assurance, and the grope...

Anonymous said...

I'm new to your blog, but the phrase "hump 'n hope" will keep me coming back again and again...

Martin said...

@The Walsh's - Thanks! ;0)

I'm thinking of trademarking it now!

should have called this post
"Patience Patients Patents"