Wednesday, 8 October 2008

No brakes

There's no holding back this beast.

Oh relax; I'm not going all Jackie Collins with tales of rippling torsos, love swords, and other such non-existant fictional manliness.

I mean the beast of 'time', ooh the imagery eh?

The creature is thrashing his way through the jungle, mercilessly, maybe even unknowingly, trodding on and flattening all the days and weeks and months in his way. Leaving a distinct, but winding trail, leading back for nineteen cycles.

(I picture a rhino, if that helps.)

We're now in the tail end of number nineteen, cycle day 21. The last two cycles have been 25 days each, with the average being about 27.

You can hang from the gutter by your ankles but whatever way you look at it, we are in the last week again.

One week from now I'll either be a wobbly, stuttery, gibbering mess or, well,... a wobbly, stuttery, gibbering mess, but one as happy as if he were standing up to a pair of porcine testes in excrement.

That's what's fascinating me today, the simpleton that I am.

One minute we could be two grumpy, frustrated, sad, repeatedly disappointed, 19 months ridden raw, humiliated, poked & prodded redundant shaggers, and the next we could be higher than Robert Downey Jr. on an average Friday night.

Just like that, with a little push of a sphincter, instant bliss from a piss.

Assuming we can harness that Downey Jr. spirit constructively, and stay out of the neighbour's swimming pool, we could be expecting.

All that is just a scandalous waste of my time and yours, just so I could say that out loud, 'we could be expecting'.

Sounds nice doesn't it?

Much nicer than 'shut up you intellectual and emotional dwarf, and don't be making yourself look like a bigger dope than you already are' which I'm sure is what's being hissed at me right now.

In my defence, this is my head and I can say what I like, it was just only for a minute, and it passed some time, and I don't really think it's likely anyway.

Nice thought though, if only briefly.

...aaaaaand we're right back to saddo.


57 comments:

Fate's Granddaughter said...

I love this post.

"Porcine testes in excrement?" Really?

Sarah said...

Well, I pray to whom ever is listening that this is it....that you are in fact EXPECTING...a baby that is. We're all expecting something.

Big hugs!

And PS..I love reading your blog, no matter what its about.

samcrea said...

Twenty Major is gone, so i suppose you had better get on with it and conceive... and I can find some new blogs to read/ desecrate with comments..

Jane G said...

From the first line I thought we were in for a steamy one today!

I know what you mean about the beast of time. Approximately two years ago today we were busy conceiving our first little peanut, who unfortunately left us again five weeks or so later. And we still don't have a living one :'(

It's all a pisser, isn't it? Here's hoping all our luck begins to change soon.

Bluestreak said...

"redundant shaggers" I freaking LOVE that.

great post.

Mr Lady said...

I'm seriously thinking about lending you my uterus for 3 seasons.

Ed (zoesdad) said...

OK, I'm not as altruistic as Mr. Lady. You'll get no offering from me--except well wishes.

Unless, of course you want a few of my kids--I'll tell ya, you may reconsider the whole thing after a few days with my lot!

Aoj and The Lurchers said...

Keeping everything crossed for you guys!

womb for improvement said...

Your optimism is sounding more forced, but at least it is still there. Good luck, as ever.

Russ said...

Ahhh, what you said.

kittyconcerto.com said...

"with a little push of a sphincter, instant bliss from a piss." Makes for a lovely wednesday morning meditation. Thanks. Still keeping my fingers crossed for you guys.

Kori said...

If you take Mr. Lady up on her offer before you take me up on mind, I will be seriously pissed. Just sayin'.

Christa said...

"instant bliss from a piss"

bwahahahahahah. Love it.

Just a few more days... Just a few more. Either way it ends in insanity. Fuck this is fun.

( . ) ( . )

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Fate's Granddaughter - A pig in shit ;0)

@Sarah - I'll post on economics or dancing with the stars some day and you'll be sorry you said that.

@Samcrea - I reckon Twenty would be turning in his virtual grave to be associated with this mawkishness in any way.
Desecrate away to your hearts content though.

@Jane G - It's unreal to think back over the time we've spent, so I can't even begin to imagine your thoughts on it.

Long overdue.

@Bluestreak - Cheers ;0)

@Mr Lady - 3 hockey seasons?

@Ed - You wouldn't even miss one of those dozen or so.

@Aoj & the lurchers - Thanks a million ;0)

@Womb for Improvement - "hardened optimism" I think it's called....

@Russ - I'll translate it some day...

@Kittyconcerto - Delighted to help!

@Kori - rent-a-womb eh?

@Christa - You're what, a day or two behind? Yikes....

Quickroute said...

"standing up to a pair of porcine testes in excrement" - now there's a picture i can't get out of my head

Christa said...

Yeah cd19 here. Last 2 have been 28, but I haven't had a +opk yet. Tho I skipped testing last wednesday cuz I was running low, so hoping I just missed the surge and not having an anovulatory cycle. Blah!

Sarah said...

If you post on Dancing with the stars I may have to buy a plane ticket just so I can pinch you! HARD!

But I suppose as long as its funny and or well written....I might be okay.

AnnD said...

Well, that's about as optimistic as I've seen you since I began reading your blog. And I love it! Because it's true...at many given moments after ovulation...you could be expecting!!! You just never know if a little Xbox beanie is growing in ET right now! I love that thought!!!

Putz said...

you have to post like this or fear losing all your readership..i hope it is just 20, and not 48 like our karen

Momo Fali said...

I can't wait until you're expecting, though my guess is that you'll still be a mess...but, in a good way.

Sue said...

So... I'm confused. Ugh

TW said...

You know Robert Downey Jr has been clean for a couple or three years now.

WTF?

That was the only original (but true!) thing I could think to say because of the gazillion people who ALWAYS say what I would of said got their before me!

amy said...

There's the hope again, X. (Bloody hippy here.) I for one am glad you said it out loud - I like to believe that you believe it.
Hoping above all else that your dreams come true in a few days' time.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Quickroute - Like Kylie in hotpants?

@Christa - Agggggh messed up.

@Sarah - I'd better not then.

@AnnD - Really? I'm not particularly any different.
Just felt like saying it aloud.

@Putz - Not sure what you mean, but I'll write whatever I fancy, I can't make anyone read.

@Momo Fali - Long passed the mess stage.

@Sue - Don't worry lol, it's just me being silly as we sit out the 2WW as usual.

@TW - Just me rambling, seems to have confused people.

@Amy - that was exactly the idea, just a wee glimpse as how close it could actually be. in a way.
thanks.

Anja said...

Good drugs over there, I gather.

RRP said...

Hey XBox - I seem to be just about in sync with you guys too. Well, I am CD 28 but it'll be 35 days this month. Really F-ed up - imagine the mindfuck when O doesn't come until CD 21! Luckily I have Christa (who, by the way, flashed you in her first comment, notice that?) to listen to me whine. Here's hoping you and Christa have a lucky October - I'm only a year into this game, it's not my time yet. :)

IEAT_SNOWMANPOOP said...

rinos make me think of horns ... horns make me think of...

Paint it Black said...

Teeny weeny upside is all those short cycles mean more chances in a year. Your poor wife getting more periods tho.

jothemama said...

I wish you'd stop putting yourself down.

What is saddo about being emotionally effected by all this? Seriously! Funny is fine, but the other? Give yourself a break!

joe said...

"with a little push of a sphincter, instant bliss from a piss."

Xbox, that REALLY doesnt sound right!

Maybe it explains it all.. you've been unwittingly tryin to load a piano into a drainpipe all along.

Ok, you are smarter than that.

aren't you?

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Anja - they're bad for you.

@RRP - it's just crazy, best of luck! there's no mandatroy service required here!
Oh I noticed...

@Snowmampoop - Unicorns?

@Paint it black - yeah we get in fact 14 chances a calendar year.
14 failures too though...

@jothemama - that wasn't the intention, but now you mention it, i'm a faux-man...waaaaa

@Joe - Sphincter MUSCLE young man...
Smarter... don't bet on it.

Tanya said...

...Instant bliss from a piss...

So true, yet it rhymes

I hope she pisses and you get blisses...nah that doesn't work does it? Yours sounds better.

Good luck x100000000

Jo Beaufoix said...

Well hope is good xbox, crippling sometimes, but worth holding onto.

x

Tismee2 said...

What do you think you will do 'if'you are actually 'expecting' this time?

Do you have a bottle in the fridge ready? (stupid of course it would haveto be non alcoholic)
or will you just gape at each other like a pair of morons?

joe said...

Next time you could call it the spunkter muscle, perhaps?

Just a suggestion. Such confusing interpretations will come to a dead halt.

Peace.

Redneck Mommy said...

Good luck to you.

As a chicklet who desperately wants more children and is ready to beg, borrow or steal them, I am rooting for you.

iVegasFamily said...

Fingers crossed and happy thoughts.

bsouth said...

"Instant bliss from a piss" - sheer bloody genius. Good luck for the next few days.

Missives From Suburbia said...

"...instant bliss from a piss"? My dear, just when I think you cannot surprise me or make me laugh any harder, you manage to prove me wrong.

Best wishes for much pissing and blissing.

Karen MEG said...

Sphincter and rhino in the same post. You astound me.

Good luck!

Angel said...

It could be worse. On top of ending cycle nineteen, you really could have a rhino charging after you.

Hey... it could happen!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Tanya - Cheers, thanks

@Jo Beaufoix - we'll hang on for now!

@Tismee2 - I never touch the stuff...

@Joe - Er... pregnancy tests are usually taken by women Joseph, tends to give more accurate results.

@Redneck Mommy - Welcome! and thanks, I appreciate that.
(Love the tats)

@iVegasFamily - Cheers sir!

@bsouth - genius and insanity, you know what they say....

@Missives from Suburbia - Hah! thanks.

@Karen Meg - It cant be their first combination in a post, surely?

@Angel - I dunno about 'worse' but, anyway...

that girl said...

Don't be back to saddo! I'm sticking with you COULD be expecting.

And aren't all of us married folk redundant shaggers?

Rob said...

Once again I shall send into the ether, whatever midget-positivity I can muster.

B said...

"instant bliss from a piss"
Shakespearean!

Robert Downey Jr is clean now so you best set higher expectations.

800miles said...

You have my attention and affection for 1) the Jackie Collins reference (maybe doing a book report on Lady Boss in high school wasn't such a hot idea...) and 2) the Downey Jr. reference (because I re-watched Iron Man recently). Also because my bio-clock recently started ticking, so I'm all over other people's adventures in the field. I never wanted kids before I met the bf, and now I feel like I sort of owe it to the species.

Anyways, I'll be back for more reading, and I hope maybe you are expecting because that would be super fantastically exciting. Good vibes, good vibes!

Kelley said...

So I read all the comments.

Cause you bitch and freaking MOAN if I don't.

And now I have totally forgotten my witty response.

Meh.

And I ain't giving you my uterus buddy. Nor MPS's testicles, cause I wear them as earrings...

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@that Girl - yep, we 'could' indeed!

@Rob - Cheers Rob, thats midgetily appreciated.
(btw your blog tends to dissappear quite often?)

@B - Shakespearean? you should see me in tights...

@800 Miles - Welcome!
He must be some rare hunk if you think you now owe it to the species ;0)

Glad you enjoyed, hope to see you around.
Thanks!

@Kelley - I bet you neither read the comments nor had a witty response...
Like I want an Australian uterus, probably nicked anyway.

Rob said...

xbox, if you knew the trouble I have been having with some malignant, but talented geek, it's a wonder I have not gone completely postal (both in the sense of killing everyone around me, and using the postal sytem to deliver messages rather than the pc)

I received another 500 comments this week, plus I was cloned (again) Maybe he/she will get bored soon....

nh said...

umm, I wish I had something to say in response to that - but my head is messed with!

Just - I've got my fingers crossed for you both, may your dreams come true!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Rob - Ouch that's a pain in the hole.
Anything you can do?

@nh - Understandable. Take it easy, and good luck!

Maggie, Dammit said...

Did you ever play Donkey Kong on Super Nintendo? I can totally hear the rhino. (Glad I could help.)

And, per my usual routine over here on this exceptional blog, I shall pick out the writerly gem and put it on display as though you've never read it when duh, you wrote it.

"Just like that, with a little push of a sphincter, instant bliss from a piss."

Ahhhhh.... perfection. :)

B said...

I thought wearing tights would be bad for conception?

Christa said...

Me thinks it's time for an update

Just saying...

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Maggie dammit - It may surprise you to know, but I'm an xbox man.

But can I sell it? ;0)

@B - Worked for batman, didn't it?

@Christa - Then read on Sista Christa...

nola said...

I love your outlook on the sitch. And your writing. Love it!

Laurie said...

I'm all for anything weird about this cycle, anything that goes against the pattern or the expected is a good thing, me thinks.