Thursday, 30 October 2008

My wife & a whore

My wife:

She is recovering well, my little drama queen.

No nasty side effects other than maybe going hoarse from all the 'Ohhhh's and 'Ahhhh's and 'bring me tea, gimp boy'.

She is lying in bed with every electronic gadget known to man surrounding her.

The skype handset, mobile phone, land line phone, laptop, TV, and DVD player all form her little nest of recuperation.

Ironically, they are probably frying her newly serviced shiny innards with radiation and undoing all the good that her recent oil change did.

She is also ovulating.

Knowing that, and not doing anything, is a bit of a headwreck. It's like not buying a raffle ticket but being forced to watch the draw anyway.

As lousy as I am at any kind of DIY efforts, I'm tempted to buy a turkey baster but I'm afraid I would never be able to face Christmas dinner again.

So, unfortunately we'll just have to wait until cycle twenty-one, sit on our hands for this one and be patient.

Basically, just suck it up instead. So to speak....

A whore:

You lot have been pretty decent so far, some of you have even been around for most of these twenty cycles. That's not bloody bad at all. We don't know where all this will end up, but just in case we need to ask for a donor egg, or for an extra testicle, or a replacement for a worn out vagina, I want to keep you all onside by letting you in on a secret.

Angie, at the aptly named A whole lot of nothing, has an online store Good For The Kids, there are loads of useful and cuddly infant toy type things there. They don't make your kid's explode or break out in a dodgy rash or anything, she tests them all on her own ginuea pig daughters. (Although one of them is missing teeth, hmmm).

Anyway, she previously, along with Lyssa, did a very nice thing for us, and also for a children's hospital in their native Florida. It seems the blood has gone to her head again and she has offered 2 online vouchers code for you scrumptious people.

Go to her shop here, if you see anything you like, order it and get 15% off if you use the code 15xbox, or 20% with 20xbox if you order more than $100 worth. Simple.

Trust me, the only benefit I get from this shameless, and frankly humiliating, whoring, is peace and quiet from her constant nagging me to do it. Also, I think her kids regularly go hungry and her carpet really needs a good cleaning. Plus I think she has a crack habit, and that stuffs not cheap.

Now if you'll excuse me, gimp boy must make tea.


48 comments:

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

I'm so proud to be your whore. Brings a tear to my eye. Or is that from the noxious fumes of my lovers?

Thanks :)

Kori said...

I don't know about testicles, but my lover's are pretty potent, maybe he could give you one of those. I have good eggs, as is eveident from my pics. HA! Get off the net and go make tea, gimp boy! And BTW, I am feeling pretty special that I am here second, before your hordes. or was that whores?

iVegasFamily said...

It must be completely weird to skip "bumpin' uglies" for a month, but perhaps a good rest is what you need. Regarding the whoring, I'm impressionable. I'll check it out.

Laura Harvey said...

Whats everyone doing for safety precautions for Halloween? My husband came across an article (http://i-newswire.com/pr220892.html) with some info about background checking neighbors. I thought that may be a little overboard, but it had some other good suggestions for some precautions I haven't thought about. Last year my youngest son came down with a massive fever after Halloween. I almost thought about just taking the kids to our church's fall festival this year instead of door-to-door to prevent that from happening again. I don't know yet. What's your advice? Am I over-reacting or just being a concerned mom?

RRP said...

Nothing could be more lucky than cycle 21. Sounds like a good one to me.

(But should you change your mind, I fully support the turkey baster idea. However, I'd recommend buying a new one and labeling it - you know, "Turkey Baster" or "ET Baster" so that you use the correct one at Thanksgiving.)

Ms. Moon said...

Keep the sperm warm and the tea hot. Keep the woman happy and the tummy calm.
All will be well.

womb for improvement said...

I have a solution! Nice roast ham for Christmas - no basting needed. No, no, please don't thank me I am here to serve.

bsouth said...

Ha ha gimp boy - serves you right. I hope she's working you hard. Best wishes to ET, hope she's up and about soon.

Sarah said...

Heh heh heh Gimp boy....

I'm glad to hear ET is doing well. I'll be in her spot very shortly.

As for the donors....hmmmm.

Heather said...

I'd totally give the turkey baster a try. Stranger things have been done in the name of procreation.

Bonnie B. said...

I have a feeling that if you even come NEAR your wife with that turkey baster whilst delivering her hot tea, you will be walking funny(ier) for a very, very long time. Get the tea and shut up (but don't stop blogging, please!)

Russ said...

So is ET making you wear the gimp mask?

Tismee2 said...

How about one of those fish tank cleaner tubes that suck in one end and squirt at the other?

What's for tea?

Veronica said...

Good gimp boy...

alicat413 said...

geez, i'm just glad the title of this post isn't my wife is a whore. i almost misread that!

hope et is feeling better. although, i kinda hope she pretends it still hurts & makes you get more tea :P

Elaine said...

This break, and all your hard work during ET's recovery will all be worth it.

Praying you guys just needed a poke around to get it all working.

You never know, if you got one in before the lap, it is still not out of the question for this cycle..

Dora said...

A syringe without the needle is the way to go. I just did my first last weekend. Here are some instructions. http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/homeinsem.html
Easy peasy.

Widdle Shamrock said...

Totally irrelevant, but the mention of a turkey baster reminds me of a widdle story.

I have a girlfriend who is a lesbian, suffers severe Endometriosis AND PCOS. Lives a life of pain. Doc finally said, we need to take out your womanly bits. She was 24/25 at the time. So she asked a friend and her husband, got some of his love juice, and 'turkey basted' herself. (Fertility Clinics wouldn't touch her) She gave birth to a son. She ended up running off with the girlfriend's husband.

Nothing to do with your situation, just every time someone says 'turkey baster' I think of that story.

Zoeyjane said...

I have some good eggs. It's the docking station and the fuel that sucks. You're welcome to a dozen or two, anytime.

G said...

I had my last laparoscopy right when I was ovulating too, so I definitely know how crappy that raffle draw is!!

The only good part about it, was my doc gave me copies of all the pics they took while they were in there (I always insist of getting copies!) and my ovary DID look really cool, having just ovulated.

Great that she has no shoulder pain, that stuff killed me!

Chhandita said...

Hey, enjoy the break mate...I am thinking of doing the same just sick of all this ttcing.....grrrrrrrrrrr

River said...

In bed surrounded by electrical gadgets eh? Sounds like a fun weekend to me. Be sure and put a couple of biscuits alongside that cup of tea.
Here in Australia egg donation is frowned upon. A crying shame really. My daughter has PCOS, so lots of eggs available and she'd be happy to donate if she was allowed to.

Jane G said...

I'm afraid I can't help you on the egg front, I'm hangin' onto my 39 year old eggs with all my might.

As for watching cycles go by, welcome to my world :(

Good to hear ET is recuperating well. Keep the tea coming, gimp boy!

Angel said...

Just keep it in your pants and go make the tea, gimp boy.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@A whole lot of nothing - noxious fumes from the carpet probably.

@kori - Aim for 1st Kori! ! !

@iVegasFamily - There is good stuff there, and the discounts are good.

@Laura Harvey - Are you lost?

@RRP - Well Cycle 20 could be luckier... it was for the Virgin Mary...

@Ms Moon - Sperm COOL Ms Moon!

@Womb for improvement - seeing as we are having xmas here on our own, it could most likely be sanwiches.

@bsouth - Working you haaaard. hee hee hee....

@Sarah - What? Where ? in our bed?
Can you cook?

@Heather - (Welcome) I don't think i could look at one again if we did.

@Bonnie B - (Welcome too!) wouldnt be a good idea to get the content confused.

@Russ - rawr...

@Tismee2 - Fish fingers...

@Veronica - You just thinking out loud or...

@alicat413 - I'll be sneaking home early to catch her dancing round the living room.

@Elaine - I may burst though!
Not 100% out of the question but Spencer would want to be almost mutant to make it this time!

@Dora - you see, now I'm gonna have to check that out. ET will not be thankful!
THanks, welcome!

@Widdle Shamrock - wow, she was really bad at being a lesbian.

@Zoeyjane - hahaha docking station...hahaha

@G - Oh that would be cool, they record it too, might try to get it and stick it on youtube!

@Chhandita - It's tough going for sure, I bet you WILL try though!

@River - Really, why so?

@Jane G - I'm gonna be pedantic here, but those eggs are actually older than you!
They were growing while you were in the womb yourself.
THATS freaky cool!

@Angel - Sweetie, is that you?

Sarah said...

That was close. I need to stop drinking things while reading your blog, or comments you write.
I meant I'll be having a laproscopy shortly. Not that I will actually be IN ET's place, like where she physically is.

And yes, I'm a really good cook!

Trish said...

get thee @ss to the kitchen ...she deserves it all and more.

Jane G said...

So now my eggs are 40 years old? Shit, you have really made my day :)

Hockeyman said...

Shameless....

Bluestreak said...

Your wife sounds like me when I´m sick. I get a nasty little pleasure out of it and am incapable of hiding it from my husband. So whenever I start to cough or something he says "You´re DYING to get sick!".

But, she did go under the knife, so you will have to "suck it up", as it were, gimpie.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Sarah - You women are all the same "she got a laparoscopy, so I must have one"

@Trish - She deserves my ass? she'll get it. And more.

@Jane G - Blame ET, she told me that one.

@Hockeyman - She'll never find a husband that one...

@Bluestreak - that name could stick...

Claire said...

As a fellow Irish bird I am always amazed at the magical fix-all powers (perceived or otherwise) of tea. Maybe you should try putting some in the turkey baster and see what happens? Hope ET is back to health and humping soon :)

Sarah said...

Well, of course! I mean...I couldnt let ET be the only one having a laproscopy! So I begged and pleaded and grew this big ole cyst...and now I get to get sliced and diced to!! Yay me.

IrishNYC said...

Happy continued recovery for ET. Be nice to her so your bits will be in working order for next cycle.

nutsinmay said...

I'm glad there's no referred shoulder pain. I was flat on my back for DAYS with that after my lap. You're having a lucky escape, Gimp Boy.

Best wishes to ET for a fast recovery.

IEAT_SNOWMANPOOP said...

gimp is a good job for you... you have to do something since you can't do "it"

Jo Beaufoix said...

She did so well. Now it is your job to wait on her ok? hugs to Mrs Xbox.

Kelley said...

So does she sell those ball masks? Cause if you gunna be a gimp you need to go all the way baby.

Now I must go flush my brain to rid the image of you crawling around on all fours wearing a leather collar and a huge red ball in your mouth...

(oh and you will do stuff for HER. Bastard...)

B said...

you stole my spot in the limelight with a prostitute titled post!

I had also jumped in too early to comment and was basically about to say this:
"Ironically, they are probably frying her newly serviced shiny innards with radiation and undoing all the good that her recent oil change did."

amy said...

Hey I didn't realise your comments had turned into an advice column... Nice.
Good on you, X. Keep up with the tea and sympathy. It's not often you come across a lady with 'beautiful' reproductive organs. She's a keeper.

Siobhan said...

Sit on your hands? Nice one. I am glad she's doing ok. I've been thinking about you two (in a non-pervy way of course).

Missives From Suburbia said...

At the age of 39, with 1 1/2 kids of my own, one of whom has arrived into the world via natural means (as will, hopefully, the other), I don't think I'm a candidate for the donor eggs or vagina. You can have my husband's testicles if you'd like. We won't be needing them after this. You might want to wash all the lint from them before using them. Things get a little dusty at the bottom of my purse.

M+B said...

ET deserves a good gimp boy! And I am so impressed with her nest of gadgetry!

Now more tea please... NOW!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Claire - Thanks a million, and welcome.
I was never a big tea drinker, but Saturday mornings are not the same without a steaming sweet cup of Lyons.
Which we are running very very very low on as it happens.

@Sarah - Cysts are so yesterday!
(good luck)

@IrishNYC - thanks!

@nutsinmay - It's gone really well, touch wood, back to work monday.

@Snowmanpoop - dont remind me...

@Jo Beaufoix - She did great, thanks!

@Kelley - I could really rot your brain by sending you a photo taken about two years back...

@B - I'm just riding your coat tails sir!

@Amy - YOu NEVER know what you'll find in these comments!
SHe could be a uterine model!

@Siobhan - There's no way a jocko in California can say that and it not be pervy though!
Cheers!

@Missives from suburbia - have you named them?
This one's Dolce, this one's Gabbana...

@M+B - She's got the best ;0)

James Austin said...

A member of the oldest profession now eh? I will definitely check that out.

Florida Girl In Sydney said...

21 is very lucky--- sounds like next month is you're going to be getting busy, ya know in the biblical sense.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@James Austin - I recommend it!

@Florida Girl In Sydney - I love me some bible...
lucky 21?

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