Thursday, 2 October 2008

While you were sleeping

I'm not writing this for another 6 hours.

Or maybe I wrote it 6 hours ago.

I'm not so sure, but I know I'm jetlagged, and in the wrong time zone.

My poor carcass is day dreaming that it's still spread out on the grass on the Toronto waterfront, trying to avoid eye contact with the crazy guy with the fake (and frankly, poor) Scottish accent on the mountain bike claiming to have cycled from Vancouver.

If the smell is anything to go by the reality is he cycled no further than from the public toilets he unfortunately has to call home.

The reality also is that I'm actually back in Holland, and totally, and utterly knackered.

Never fear though, as there is always an upside. Namely, humping.

Can sperm get jetlag? Man-milk mono?

Do eggs get thrown off schedule by multiple transatlantic flights?

I'll be buggered if I know, all I know is that all of a sudden it's episode 19 of the OC. That's 'Ovulation Central', not the cheap angst ridden teen drama. Although it has it's similarities I suppose.

This is all well and good if you can stay awake during the day and asleep at night, which is proving difficult.

Although maybe the 4:30am squelchy session is just what's needed to catch all things 'reproductively obstructive' off guard. We could try to sneak one (or 20 million, whatever works) past security, if you like.

Wait until that eggy tease is snoring her outer layer off and dreaming about the 'look who's talking' sperm, before creeping up on her, gagging her and letting her have it. Goooood.

Lord, have I just turned Spencer into a sexual predator?

I need a holiday.


40 comments:

Jenni said...

Ahh, the sneak attack! And you thought you'd tried it all.

Penelope said...

"before creeping up on her, gagging her and letting her have it. Goooood" Umm this is the eggs and not your wife that you're referring to, right? ;o)

Putz said...

maybe if you dressed up in a costume this month for sexual purposes and halloween,,,you might have better luck conceiving

Kori said...

Squelchy session? Eeeeew. And you just had a holiday. And about Ellie; I frankly think she is a bit of a whiner, and perhaps need to move over and let someone a little less picky and a LOT more, um, free with her affections, take the wheel. I mean, she seems to be waiting for someome like Gerard Butler to batter his was through her defenses, when in all honesty, she would have a lot more fun and get SO much more out of the relationship!

Momo Fali said...

But, you just got back!

iVegasFamily said...

A sneak attack just might work.

Sarah said...

Oh my goodness. I think you did. Poor spence

Single Parent Dad said...

Stealth Spencer might just do the trick. Fingers crossed. Not legs.

Ed (zoesdad) said...

Your going to have to register, you know. They keep databases on these perves!

RobMonroe said...

I wonder if my wife would prefer "squelch session" over the use of "bumping uglies" that I've gotten in trouble for...

Good vibes sent your way - even if your sperm is acting like a predator...

Tismee2 said...

Oh no - 'squelching' is a word that should only be used when navigating through mud not human juices.

Spencer is already a mixed up dude due to work related stress and being the subject of ridicule. I'd watch out or you may have an industrial tribunal on your hands.

joe said...

A few years from now:

"Mommy, tell me how i was concieved?"
"Ermm, hmmm, ask your dad"
"Daddy, how was i born"
"Oh dear, lets just say you took some convincing"

Yup, maybe it'll teach him never to ask nosy questions again.

Good start!

gina lee ~ said...

ha!....
just peeking in...
Hi...

womb for improvement said...

My god you have some stamina. I think you might have to change your name to Eveready. You know what they say, 19th time lucky...

Jo Beaufoix said...

I hope you are not buggered xbox, you can't make babies that way you know.

justjuli said...

Didn't you just have a holiday?
:)

Maybe the middle-of-the-night ambush is the way to go.... Might as well try, right??!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Jenni - theres always another approach!

@Penelope - er,...umm...yeah.

@Putz - I could wear a wizard's hat?

@Kori - you tell her!

@Momo Fali - ..yes,and....?

@iVegasFamily - Something's got to!

@Sarah - He'll be on cops next.

@Single Parent Dad - Splinter Cell Spencer...

@Ed - the republican party register?

(ooooh controversial)

@RobMonroe - Give it a shot, I'm not paying ER bills though.

@Tismee2 - stress related illness is it?

@Joe - I attacked your mammy. (not yours joe, obviously)

@Gine lee - well hello, welcome...

@Womb4improvement - the word stamina makes me laugh....

@jo Beaufoix - but it works for most of the clergy?

@justjuli - My thoughts exactly!

kittyconcerto.com said...

You know Halloween IS coming up, so why not go all out and "dress up" as night prowlers to surprise lil Ellie? Everybody loves a surprise!

Ms. Moon said...

I have no idea how I found your blog. Anyway, here's my advice: Take the wife to Cozumel, Mexico for at least ten days. Cozumel was sacred to the Mayan goddess, Ixchel who was the goddess of fertility. Mayan women went there to worship and to ensure fertility.
There is nothing to do in Cozumel except eat, swim, dive (if you do that), gently explore, watch the most beautiful sunsets in the world, drink and...make babies.
Okay. That's what I have to offer. I give this advice for free. And by the way- I AM a nurse.
With four children.

abritdifferent said...

Your last two paragraphs had me chortling. You feckin crack me up, boy-o.

P.S. Don't get me started on bad fake accents and imitators, it's a sore point...

Veronica said...

Maybe you need to get nice and dizzy before shagging (although, how you would stay dizzy whilst in the middle of it evades me for the moment) to convice Spence to try swimming in a NEW! SHINY! direction.

Quickroute said...

sperm with jet lag! lol - you didn't join the mile high club did you?

pixypink21 said...

So, at what point is the clinic going to do an HSG? How long do you actually have to go through this agony before they check to see if her tubes are blocked? I'm so incredibly frustrated for you. I so hope this is your month!

River said...

This post has me laughing. Spencer as a sexual predator! Oh, wait, maybe that's what he needs to be. A little more "go get 'em!" spence...

Kathryn said...

A 4:30 am attack??? Wow, that's early, but as George W. Bush said, maybe a "shock and awe" attack is the way to go. Didn't work for him, but hopefully will work for Spencer!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Kittyconcerto - the tone this is taking is worrying me ;)

@Ms. Moon - Mexico, why of course, why didnt I think of that.
Sweetie, I live in Holland, where there is nothing to do only eat, drink and make babies...

Is your hubby the man in the moon?

Welcome, by the way...

@Abrittdifferent - Oach aye lassie...

@Veronica - are you suggesting LSD?

@Quickroute - As if... *cough*

@Pixypink21 - As far as I know, they are not. They will go with a laparoscopy, as the more comprehensive of the procedures.
Hopefully by November.

Me too, thanks!

@River - I'm a tad worried at what you all are encouraging here....

@Kathryn - Similarly, Spencer is struggling finding the WMDs too.

Jane G said...

Maybe the dawn ambush is the way to go. Good luck, Spence!

Chaos said...

Wow just got back and already need a holiday, not good my friend. I'm pretty sure Spencer would have an issue with being a sexual predator, but maybe not could just mix things up a little.

Stella said...

man milk mono.

wow. ive heard it all now.

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

jothemama said...

Spencer's a date rapist!

I'm kind of sorry you didn't get to try in a different time zone after that Australia story (still advocating the upsidedown theory).

joe said...

Hah. Spare no thought and scar the child eh? You're all heart, xbox.

James Austin said...

Didn't you just get back from vacation?? I'm the one who needs a vacation. You will too once Spencer does his job.

The Microblogologist said...

Glad you made it back safe! I often feel like I need a vacation after a vacation and I have never gone THAT far from home. Best of luck with the bumping!

Ms. Moon said...

Ah but X-box. Mexico has Ixchel. And yes. My husband is the man in the moon.

B said...

...very odd post.

I hope you didn't become a bit Canadian over there!

Dto3 said...

Am I jet-lagged, or did your post make absolutely no sense? Whatever, man, just do it!

Kelley said...

Spencer is Ninja? Awesome.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Jane G - Dawn? you get up quite early don't you...

@Chaos - could be roleplay for the bugger?

@Stella - that was my favourite bit...

@jothemama - 'alledged'...

@Joe - Straight talkin', dodgy shootin'

@James Austin - You live like a king man!

@The microbiologist - you scientisists live a life of one long holiday anyway...

@Ms Moon - Oh I dunno, I'm Irish, I couldn't handle the sunshine....

@B - Odd? er..pot/kettle/black?
I've been genetically altered and am now part moose.
The arse part.

@Dto3 - Really? was it that bad?
wow, jetlag sucks.


@Kelley - no! he's gotta be nude, it's in his contract.

Karen MEG said...

You describe that TO waterfront so well ... parts of it are pretty, but others, just not.

That was a long way to go for your break. No wonder you're knackered.

Don't be so hard on yourself...wait til the jet lag is over. Holidays after holidays are not a bad idea.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Karen MEG - You know, very clean city, but pretty high homeless rate I reckon?

Definitely a higher ratio than a lot of other cities in North America I think.