Friday, 17 October 2008

Pick a card, any card

Any time I see or hear that line, I always think of Paul Daniels, the irritating little English magician with the nice bit of totty for a wife.

I'm not sure he ever did it, but I always enjoyed watching magicians twirling their assistants around 360 degrees, in a box on wheels, before attempting to hack them in half.

Classic entertainment, don't ya think?

We enjoy it so much we've decided to try it ourselves, hack open the wife, and see if we can't eventually pull a dead rabbit out of a hat.

One week from Tuesday, ET will undergo a laparoscopy.

For once the hospital seem to have moved swiftly and arranged this between yesterday and today.

It's been a thoroughly shitty week, and so it's really with a sigh of relief that we accept the appointment. Something is being done.

While on the subject of the week that was, I really can't say how much we appreciate the comments and e-mails. Your collective self submersion into a pool of vulgarity in the name of sympathy is honestly appreciated.

It's nice to find you are not left totally on your own at a time like that.

Weirdly, the appointment falls on what will be cycle day fourteen, and basically rules out us being able to try ourselves this cycle.

It seems then, that I'll be in the market for some good pornography this month, all reasonable offers will be considered.

So for now, project 'hump n'hope' is on hold.

Well....just one half.


73 comments:

Marissa said...

you said you hope to pull a dead rabbit out of your hat - i hope you pull a live body out of her cootie coot. oh man, was that taking it a bit too far? dancing toe to toe with crossing the line?

whats with not being able to hump 'n hope after the lap procedure - will she not feel up to it or is it medically not advised? just curious.

Marissa said...

...oh and in true Matt & Maddy fashion, I'm going to bust out a FIRST on this one. LOL ;)

Mr Lady said...

You know, just READING your blog makes me girly bits feel all swollen and bruised. I'd have guessed you'd be down for a forced break. Huh. :)

Cindy (and Brian) said...

I hope the lap goes smoothly with minimal discomfort. I hope it sheds some light and gives some answers. Hang in there.

Kori said...

I will supply the porn, but I thought you Hollanders had the market cornered on that stuff?

Sarah said...

Yay porn!! I do loves me some porn.

I am so glad SOMETHING is being done!

Leslee said...

So glad that the docs are willing to move forward with some testing! I hope they find everything inside to spectacularly normal!

I haven't been able to stop thinking about your last post... dammit, I wish that that line had been a line line and not a vanishing line.

iVegasFamily said...

Either way it's invasive. Enjoy your porn.

Elaine said...

You crack me up.

Sadia said...

I can honestly say I haven't thought of Paul Daniels in 20 years, which is how long it's been since I lived in the UK. Fine, 21 years if I must be precise.

May the invasive procedure be fruitful.

IrishNYC said...

Here's to hoping the invasion is a success!

Hammie said...

While I will need an eye and mindwash to get rid of the image of Paul Daniels in the context of porn; I congratulate you on getting on with the next step. It can mean so much to have something concrete to do about something you are struggling with. Rather than just worrying and hoping all the time.

It is no fun being on pause. But hey perhaps there are some "other tricks" you can practice this cycle. Such as (to quote Monica from Friends) "Being there for her"

xx

Anonymous said...

Xbox, I am really sorry to hear the news from your last post. I have been popping in and out of your blog and had truly hoped that this was the month..FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!! and my heart goes out to both of you.
Deno

Jenni said...

A week from Tuesday!? I almost son't believe you.

I'm so glad someone finally lit a fire under thier asses. It's about freaking time.

nh said...

I hope the lap goes ok... Hope ET is not too sore afterwards. I also hope that you get answers, cause right now, I think, answers are what you need.

TW said...

Firstly, 100% with you on Paul Daniels being an irritating gobshite!

Hmm, don't ya think you're leaving yourself wide open asking for porn on the internet mwhahahah

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Marissa - the timing really is the issue, it lands right on the probably ovulation day, and it would probably be too soon to throw my robust self on top of someone recovering from surgery.

@Mr Lady - Are you saying I make your nipples hard?

@Cindy(and poor afterthought Brian) - Thanks, we will, absolutely.

@Kori - European porn is nasty and full of armpit hair and bad teeth.

@Sarah - Why am I not surprised.

@Leslee - Sorry if it got you down, not intended. Thanks,

@iVegasFamily - Woo Hooo!

@Elaine - Humpty, is that you?

@Sadia - I think of Debbie Magee at least twice a week ;0)
thanks!

@IrishNYC - Invasion! excellent, thanks,

@Hammie - Exactly. You got it.
"for her"? sorry, I haven't a clue what you mean.

@Deno - thanks, it's been an odd one for sure.
How are you cooking?

@Jenni - I won't believe it
till I see it myself. I think the clinic hopping helped somewhat.

@nh - yes, something, anything resembling a reason would be good now.
thanks.

@TW - if you saw some of the searches that led people here you wouldn't be worried about pron anymore!

Dan said...

Anytime you want some supportive profanity just let me know.

Fuck, shit, tits, arse.

Veronica said...

So soon? Wee!

darcie said...

Hurray for medical intervention - FINALLY the assholes!! Give ET our best...you too of course - but especially ET right now - let her know we are thinking of her...well, unless she thinks that's creepy and not in the good kind of creepy way - then just know that we are thinking of her and you...

GOOD LUCK!

Nick McGivney said...

Firstly, good luck both with all that.

Secondly, this answers all the other outstanding important questions, I think. It may need some translating for your intrnational fans, but her answer to Mrs Merton's question should've really, really been McGee.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lj-9lSEBBm0

Missives From Suburbia said...

I just heard a story on the news about how pornography is virtually recession-proof. You're doing your part for the economy!

I hope the lap yields easily solvable answers.

Lauren said...

Best of luck with the procedure...I'm not sure whether I should wish that it finds a problem or not. I suppose a minor problem (that explains the lack of success to this point) with an easy and painless fix is the ideal solution. So here's to that!

hotmamamia said...

This is EXCELLENT news...I am so very glad they are finally doing something to see what is really cooking. A gentle bump later in the day might be quite welcome actually!

pixypink21 said...

I am SO HAPPY they are finally doing something for you!!! You deserve it! Just Awesome. What wonderful news!

RRP said...

I will be crossing all appropriate body parts in the hope that they can find a very easily curable answer the the problem.

Perhaps on the day of the procedure a full on hump-n-hope would be to much. Maybe just a poke?

Kelley said...

So the irritating little Irish magician gunna go it alone with his little wand this month then?

Perhaps hand them a little jar of your love stuff and ask them to dump it in while they are mucking around in there...

Quickroute said...

Paul Daniels the little runt - how did he land that babe Debbie Maggee - that was indeed a magic trick - hope the op goes well

People in the Sun said...

That's great! I was wondering for ages what to do with my Paul Daniels sex tapes! (I was young. I needed the money).

Russ said...

Give my best to ET!

Maybe you can get a few "hump and hopes" in prior to the surgery.

tiff said...

Can I say, I'm glad they are going to be hacking away at you wife?
I am glad they are finally looking into it.

i'm so sorry it has been a truly terrible week.

Fe said...

project 'hump'n'hold' suddenly halted!

I can see the headline now.

Yeah! for hospital moving swiftly. Fingers crossed for helpful information from laporoscopy.

But I have to ask (re: Dutch porn)... what's wrong with hairy? (this from a single mum with no time to wax/shave/depilitate)

womb for improvement said...

I really hope you get some answers, and enjoy a month without a two week wait at the end. (And I presume you are going to go along too, make sure you ask lots of questions 'cause ET will have enough to contend with). Good luck.

River said...

I truly hope the laparoscopy shows something simple and fixable.

Ed (zoesdad) said...

Any time I can cheer humping, be it singular or plural, without having to be PC--I'm in.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Dan - Was that the profanity or your porn submission?
You just come here to swear don't you
.

@Veronica - Wee? never again.

@Darcie - It IS creepy. Freaks.

But Thanks anyway ;0)

@NIck McGivney - CHeers.
Caroline Aherne is brilliant. 'The Royale Family' is as good as anything Ricky Gervais can come up with.


@Missives from Surburbia - Alcohol, drugs and vice. The recession boom industries
.
I'm speculating to acumulate!

@Lauren - I know the dilemma! something small and immediately fixed or nothing?
thanks.

@Hotmamamia - I think we can safely say I'd get a kick in the head.

@PixyPink21 - Thank you, very much!

@RRP - hahaha. I dunno would the doc appreciate sloshing around in man milk on the day.

@Kelley - I'll er... suggest that...
freak.

@Quickroute - SHe's a bit rough now though. Cheers.

@People in the sun - that would be quite vile. Quite vile indeed.

@Russ - Suck up ;0)
We have to see what the advice is I guess.

@Tiff - You can, because I am!
Thanks.

@Fe - Thanks Fe. I'm not anti-foliage, just no gorillas in the mist!

@Womb for improvement - I might go if there's no footie on.
Thanks.

@River - That gets my vote too I think. Thanks!

@Ed - Good man! that's the spirit.

Dorky Dad said...

Well, at least the hospital scheduled it. I can't recommend any porn for you, but I'm sure you can find something on the Internet.

Bluestreak said...

This sounds like progress. And Magic.

DPH and Key may be able to send you some porn. It seems they'll be making some this weekend.

Feebee said...

Hope the lap finds a teenie tiny problem that can be fixed. Glad you are getting something done.

I think infertility blogs are destined to draw the xxx-rated punters - all that talk of bits and blood and implements and pregnancy. I once posted a title, "Pregnant by sex, I kid you not". No need to explain the search terms I got for that post.

tysdaddy said...

Skip the porn. Just hold your wife instead. Embrace the Hope without the Hump . . .

I'm sure you do this already. Just a friendly reminder, with four fingers pointing back at myself . . .

Jo Beaufoix said...

Xbox, pleas don't compare yourself to Paul Daniels. He always makes me feel a bit sick. And ET does not deserve the life of Debbie McGee, waiting hand and foot on one of the most annoying men in the world.

Hope all goes well for ET with the laparoscopy thingy though, and maybe you should look up Paul Daniels porn. Or maybe not.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Xbox, pleas don't compare yourself to Paul Daniels. He always makes me feel a bit sick. And ET does not deserve the life of Debbie McGee, waiting hand and foot on one of the most annoying men in the world.

Hope all goes well for ET with the laparoscopy thingy though, and maybe you should look up Paul Daniels porn. Or maybe not.

bsouth said...

Good luck to you both and best wishes to ET. If she gets trapped wind (literally, air forced in and trapped by the instruments going in) she may find she has an incredibly sharp pain in her left shoulder (stop laughing - it's true). If that happens tell her to drink peppermint tea. Honest.

Sarah said...

Hey, hey ,hey,,,you say that like its a BAD thing! psht!

jothemama said...

jo b, I'm so glad you said it. It was worth saying twice!

Though how anyone can describe Debbie McGee as totty, I'll never know.

Xbox, you are weird to me now.

Momo Fali said...

I am always happy to oblige with vulgar sympathy. It's the least I can do.

Good luck to ET! People all over the world are hoping things go well.

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

So now instead of just thinking about you and the wifey doing it, you force me to think about you... alone... being icky....

Erase. Erase. Erase. Erase. Erase. Erase. Erase. Erase. Erase. Erase.

Hockeyman said...

I think a BJ would be appropriate, I mean, you are sacrificing in some twisted way right?

Good luck with the surgery, I hope it is productive and positive.

Chaos said...

Hmm you alone with porn, BAD mental image, BAD, BAD. Hope things go well! Glad something new is being tried.

Tismee2 said...

Think you and David Duchovny might have some similarities!

Give your tadger a break for God's sake. You men just can't leave it alone can you?

What with all that fiddling on inside your trousers while watching tv and that......tut!

joe said...

Porn hunting! First sensible you've said in ages.

Leslie Laine said...

Hi X. - just had a chance to get caught up on your blog. I'm still reeling about the false positive. Unbelievable.

I hope that the lap brings you both some peace - you're right, it's beneficial to feel like you're doing something. And, I've learned the hard way: it's the "law of medical intervention" (i.e. laps, SIS, HSGs, etc.) - they always fall on cycle day 14.

Here's to hope on some level.

M+B said...

Yay, to opening up ET! Alright its a laparoscopy so I guess stabbing or puncturing your wife is probably more technically correct!

Whatever!!! I hope you get answers that are helpful

Jane G said...

Well unless you have a fetish for pasty and chubby, I can't help you out in the porn department!

Best of luck to ET with the lap. It's really not that bad. Direct her to my blog if she wants to read my experience of it.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Dorky Dad - Cheers DD ;0)

@Bluestreak - Yep, progress, that's what we are looking for.

@FeeBee - Oh no... you'd get very nasty searches on that for sure.
Hoping for something small and correctable, and for that to be the end of it!

@tysdaddy - My moral compass speaks ;0)

@Jo Beaufoix - Thanks Jo!

@Bsouth - ...er...okay....

@Sarah - hahah. No such thing.

@jothemama - only now?

@Momo Fali - I can't imagine any vulgarity from you I have to say!
Thanks.

@A whole lot of nothing - You don't have to imagine EVERYTHING in your head...

@Hockeyman - Hockeyman for president. That is all.

@Chaos - Thanks ;0)

@Tismee2 - that is funnier than you think, ET has a wee Mulder obsession at the moment!

@Joe - bound to get it right sometime...

@Leslie Laine - You am me both!
Thanks!

@M+B - Yay for cutting her open, yay!

@Jane G - Pasty and chubby? whatever gets you going I suppose...

Thanks, will do.

Tismee2 said...

Well I'd be watching out - he's a free man now and what with that 'other' business, he'd be quite a catch - unless like me she'd rather have a cup of cocoa and a good book!

anja said...

I had to Google Paul Daniels. I hope you get blisters on your hand.

AnnD said...

Once again...I'm torn. I don't want them to necessarily find anything "wrong" but just find answers as to why this hasn't been working! I hope you get some answers and walk away with a sure fire game plan. Please keep us updated as to what they find and how this process goes.

Ryan Lawson said...

That, my friend, was a classic lead-in.

"Dead rabbit out of a hat"?

[kisses fingertips in a burst of appreciation]

Magnifique!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Tismee2 - well, it kind of rhymes with 'a good book'...

@Anja - Not these beauties...

@AnnD - I know exactly what you mean. You might find out what happens here...

@Ryan Lawson - I was fretting that that one had gone unnoticed into the cybernight, you've rekindled my faith in non-skimation.

UrbanVox said...

Not an advice but a tip...
"The internet is for Porn!!!"
(Avenue Q) ;)

hehehe

Susanica said...

Laparoscopy? Is that like some sort of medical "lap" dance?

-Monica

Maxi Cane said...

You wanted porn and you didn't come to me?

Tut tut tut.

IEAT_SNOWMANPOOP said...

i posted part of the video just for you cause you griped and then you didnt come see it gosh

joe said...

Amen to that. (assuming the "bound to blah blah" is all encompassing)

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@UrbanVox - Really? someone should have said...

@Susanica - If a medical lap dance includes a general anaesthetic, incisions in the abdomen and lasering or hacking out innards, then yes, exactly the same.

@Maxi Cane - I'd never ave known where it had been though...

@Snowmanpoop - I saw it. SO THERE.

@joe - Shaaaat it.

Stella said...

haaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!

nice.

hey. so uh...i just thought i'd mention (because i would love for my suffering to actually make someone feel perhaps the slightest twinge of comfort in light of their own situation) - that....

drumroll. I'm dragging my sorry pissy, tired, hateful ass into Cycle #9. but hey - the bright side?? This acupuncture business - is brilliant.

I had a 14 (perhaps even 15) day LUTEAL PHASE this month (opposed to a typical 11/12 day LP). I know you can appreciate this fact.

At least ET ovulates at a somewhat DECENT point in her cycle. I'm lucky to ovualate by Day 20.

Hoping to see more 'results' in my second month of chinese needle and funkdified herbs torture.

may you find some adequate porn.

Captain Steve said...

Have no fear, I will always throw down any number of curses, insults, and/or inappropriate comments in the name of support.

I thought that Europe always had the best porn?

nutsinmay said...

Sorry, late to the party, but thought you might possibly (or, possibly not) want to read the account of my HSG last year. In case it is at all helpful and/or reassuring. If it isn't, you are welcome to come by my blog and bollock me.

http://nutsinmay.wordpress.com/2007/03/12/the-morning-before-the-hsg/

http://nutsinmay.wordpress.com/2007/03/13/my-insides-lit-up-like-a-christmas-tree/

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Stella - That's a good development.

As much as I complain, we are VERY lucky with pretty regular cycles.

@Captain Steve - Dunno about the 'best', but they have a LOT.

@Nutsinmay - hahaha, I hope those descriptions are full of tales of kitten lickings and butterfly nadings.
Thanks, will check them out.

Susanica said...

Whoa. I seriously thought that laporoscopic surgery was non invasive. Like a small camera inserted without the need for general anesthesia nor any incisions. I'm very sorry to hear that it's much more involved then this. And know that you'll both be in my thoughts as ET has this procedure. Hope it identifies and solves whatever is going on. -Monica

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Susanica - Yep, that would have been EASY!

we don't do easy so much here...

Thanks.

nutsinmay said...

Sorry, Xbox, left links to my HSG rather then to the full-blown laparoscopy & D&C (don't worry about the D&C bit - I had polyps). Here are the lap links, as it were

http://nutsinmay.wordpress.com/2007/07/19/water-water/

http://nutsinmay.wordpress.com/2007/07/24/the-problematic-lack-of-problems/