Wednesday, 22 October 2008

Don't listen to me

Many life altering words of wisdom have been spilled from brain, to lips and fingertips and onwards, out into the internet.

1s and 0s, bits and bytes, combining in pixelated perfection to inspire, uplift, and encourage the readers of the world, accidental stumble upon-ers and deliberate seekers of solace alike.

A few well chosen words, combined and delivered with charm, timing, wit, or emotion can make the observer hold their breath in anticipation of the plunging sword of punctuation, and elevate the author to demi-God status.

Chosen from this very blog, concocted by my very own Dr. House defying neurological mass, and presented in literal form to you by the power of my personal chunky appendages, these are a few not good examples.

"So far so good. This should be a piece of piss. "

Yes, it should have been, shouldn't it. A sinch, a doddle, a walk in the park. Christ almighty boy, you showed yourself up to be a prize idiot pretty fast.

"I have a week to swot up on how I can become a prime hunk of impregnating manhood."

A week eh? I think you might need a little bit of an extension on that deadline there sonny. How about we make it, ooh say... 76 weeks? For starters anyway, come back then and we'll talk some more.

"My scrambled egg brain is already creating stressful situations, like what if we are not successful this month? How much would that dent our hope and confidence? "

Or the following month, or the following month, or the following month... see the pattern, emerging yet monkey man?

"People have even commented to me that it's taken them 18 months. Frankly, I could not last that long, my sanity certainly couldn't."

A-ha! Finally. Never a truer word has leaked from your septic brain, your sanity didn't quite make the 18 months, you chubby fingered, sub witted, sub fertile, human equivalent to chewing gum.

If you've quite finished sniggerng into your sleeves and would grant me a moment of your attention, I will admit that yes indeed, I did come up with those beauties. All within the first 5 weeks of this blog.

Naevity, stupidity, innocence, and foolishness, all beautifully wrapped up and presented to you with a big blue ignorance bow on top.

Never let it be said that I don't share the limelight with you out there, those who put up with my over use of the comma, run-on sentencing, and semi valid vocabulary which lies too close to Europe for Americans, and too close to America for self respecting Europeans, my 'Atlantis ramblings' if you wish.

No sir-ee, I've opened my arms, eyes, and ears and I give to you the most wonderous of all comments received here from one of YOU in that same fledgling five week period.

"try not to have a baby and it might happen that way."

Eureka!

So, to ensure I follow this advice to it's fabulous fullest, I'm just about to attend to ET's carnal cavern of contentment with a needle and thread, before myself fornicating with the lawnmower.

Never again shall we wreck our parental prospects with imprudent imbecilic intercourse.

On a side note, do you think this month of not humping is having an affect on me?


60 comments:

hotmamamia said...

Damn, I tried to post and it didn't take...kinda like your situation...OK...I'm trying again...to be first no less....

Don't think of this as a humplessness situation...no,no,no...you are in storage...a holding tank of goodies just waiting to burst forth through the floodgates...it just takes one of those little spheroid buggers and you got a holding tank full of em...time for TARGET PRACTICE BOYS!!!

Good luck!

Hockeyman said...

before you fornicate with the yard machines, make sure the thing cant turn on. Be careful though, no one ever hurts themselves in blazes of glory, only blazes of idiocy.

Kori said...

I think it HAS gone to your head. Poor dude, really.

Christa said...

I'll save you a seat in the insane asylum.... As long as you share your pills.

TW said...

Yeah, I do.

Vacant Uterus said...

But have you tried just RELAXING?? *ducks flying object*

Also: "Never let it be said that I don't share the limelight with you out there, those who put up with my over use of the comma, run-on sentencing, and semi valid vocabulary which lies too close to Europe for Americans, and too close to America for self respecting Europeans"...Dude, that is the ONLY reason I read you! The comma thing makes me feel less alone as I too abuse punctuation in the most horrific manner.

Sarah said...

I believe that room we've reserved at the looney bin is juuuuust about ready for us.

Leslie Laine said...

I, for one, rather enjoy your "Atlantis ramblings" - I'm still laughing about the "hold the mayo" comment from earlier this week.

It's good that you can laugh at yourself, and I appreciate you letting all of us laugh at you too.

nh said...

if I don't listen to you, who is there left that I can listen too?

Bettina said...

'On a side note, do you think this month of not humping is having an affect on me?'

Just slightly.

*backs slowly away from the door* :P

People in the Sun said...

Hey, you might be a chubby fingered, sub witted, sub fertile, human equivalent to chewing gum, but you're our chubby fingered, sub witted, sub fertile, human equivalent to chewing gum.

Ms. Moon said...

Everything you're going through is part of a good education in being a parent.
Yep. Being a parent can be that hard, frustrating, insane-making and just unbelievable. Of course, just like with the baby-making attempts, it can at times be glorious.
You're just building up your manly strength this month.

frogpondsrock said...

Oh XB that post has just made me incredibly sad....

amy said...

Yup, I believe it is. I hope you guys are back in the saddle soon, lest we all die of acid burn.

joe said...

you really, REALLY need to get yourself a stiff one mister! (a drink, that is)

Putz said...

generally i have always thought you were more or less full of beans...hey your readers are full of beans also, you just got another relax suggestion....how about don't think about it comment, that is always a classic

Zoeyjane said...

Oh I have totally said that at some point. And I have one - it toally worked. As soon as I didn't want to get knocked up and wasn't trying, then I did. And I acknowledge that I'm totally an asshole for saying so.

anymommy said...

I just started reading and caught up the best I could (clicked over from That Girl, one of my favorite bloggers). Probably taking you too literally, since I don't know your tone that well, but don't beat yourself up for being optimistic and hopeful and 'cocky' ;-) when you started this journey. It certainly could have happened like that, you had every reason to think it would.

I said things like this before we started the whole journey to parents thing and then we lost our first pregnancy and I was wiser and more cautious and sadder and that's sad. I'm sorry you ended up experiencing a similar optimism crash.

Your humor is awesome, even on a day-to-day painful subject.

IrishNYC said...

I think it's made you loopy!

Way back when we first started trying, a cousin who had recently had an "oops baby" gave us the sound advice of drinking a bottle of red wine every night - after all, it's how she got knocked up.

Russ said...

Getting a little backed up there buddy?

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

You're sounding a bit chipper! Good to hear you're past all that 'woe-is-me' talk and into the 'sunshine-and-roses' talk.

Pep up, Buddy! Cheerie-Oh!

Widdle Shamrock said...

'On a side note, do you think this month of not humping is having an affect on me?'

I think you are in withdrawal .....

nukedad said...

No affect at all. Your mind is still as sharp as ever. Now, go hide the sewing kit before you end up making a sweater or something.

Marie said...

There is so much I could say... and yet I will elect just possibly the stupidest of all options in my mind right now: "needle and thread"? Missing something...

Hang in there man. We're all here with you.

James Austin said...

You could always start a blog about your experiences as an insane person. Wait, that line might have already been crossed. And I agree, make sure that lawnmower is turned off.

Chhandita said...

aha..you sound like your old self finally, maybe a break frm all tht 'H*u*m*P*I*N*G is what you needed.... ;)

River said...

Oh it's definitely having an effect on you, when the lawnmower starts looking like a prospective partner.

Penelope said...

A lawnmower? Wow they do things differently over there huh? You might want to try something that doesn't have so many sharp edges. I hear sheep are quite accommodating ;o)
(Geez this is catching - I'm losing the plot now!)

Jane G said...

Yep, you've finally lost it :o)

If it's any consolation, I thought we'd be well on the way to popping out number two by this stage, how wrong was I?

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Hotmamamia - Storage? you can't just STOP these guys and not expect trouble!

@Hockeyman - you've reminded me of blazing saddles for some reason...

@Kori - Alas...

@Christa - the blue are my favourite...

@TW - Hhhhmmmmph.

@Vacant Uterus - I prefer to think of it as promoting punctuation as opposed to abusing it.

@Sarah - I'm not sharing.

@Leslie Laine - Well, I'm not really in a position to stop you all...
;0)

@nh - One of the other voices in our heads?

@Bettina - No sudden moves...

@People in the sun - Kind of scarey, yet nice...

@Ms Moon - good lord are you tryingto push me over the edge woman!

@Frogpondsrock - Was not the intention, honestly.
Although if I stop to think of the innocence of the earlier days, I kind of miss it.

@Amy - aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha.

@joe - It's the stiff one that's causing the problems...

@putz - I'm definitely full of something, not sure if its beans though...
I can never tell if you are approving or not!

@Zoeyjane - it wasn't you I quoted, but yes, you are an asshole...
( not really though.)

@anymommy - Welcome, and thank you!

@IrishNYC - a bottle every night, nice. So you get a baby or liver failure.
sweet.

@Russ - Shut it you and your free flowing blanks...

@A whole lot of nothing - sarcasm doesn't suit you. Nor do those 'shoes'.

@Widdle shamrock - You said it!

@nukedad - a sweater hahaha. Oh she'll be delighted with that one.

@Marie - Your innocence is refreshing!

@James Austin - Yeah, that bridge has been crossed!

@Chhandita - wash your mouth out with soap and water!

@River - it was just to ensure we carry out teh wishes of the commenter..

@Penelope - sucked you right in...

@Jane G - Oh God, don't get me started on the wild notions of having half a dozen of the buggers... and still be in the starting blocks...

tiff said...

hmmmmm... yes.

Cindy (and Brian) said...

I love your self deprecating humor. And your writing - commas, run-ons, vocabulary included - is charming and half of why I come back. The other half is that I am rooting for you. I've got no advice. I learned when we were struggling to conceive that most advice just pissed me off. So I don't really give it. Except I WILL say...Hang in there.

Veronica said...

A lawnmower? Seriously? I am just trying to work out where you would put it.

Surely a motorcycle would work better, what with the exhaust pipe and everything. Just a word of warning, don't use rubber bands to try and 'increase sensitivity...'

Angel said...

When ya blow this time it's going to be with some major force! Spencer will launch with all the pressure he needs to hit the target! THAT'S the way to look at it!

Misssy M said...

This is why I don't often comment (I always read, though, Mr- be sure of that) I just feel that I can't offer anything that will make any of this easier. Like most of your readers I see a new post and I think, "Could this be the good news one?"

You've tried everything and I can suggest no other. Mind you, look at how many readers you've got - maybe we could try the Chinese population holding hands and jumping at once to see if they can move the world-theory.

You give us the time and we'll all set our alarm clocks and at the right moment we'll think about a little sperm meeting an egg in our collective minds. We could chant as well. Go XBox Go!


Got to be worth a punt...

(see! it's these flippant comments that I make that mean I usually just read...)

Bluestreak said...

Non-humpage is good for your creative writing, although not for your sense of reason. Please step away from the lawnmower.

conortje said...

Just wondering what the offspring of a lawnmower might look like...

Kelley said...

Get thee some porn for christsakes... and stay away from anything that has blades or plugs into the wall.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Hee hee, yiou are a wicked writer xbox.

Maybe you should hump a chair leg or something to erm, calm yourself down??

Sarah said...

Greedy.

Well then love, you'll have to wait your turn.

Jenni said...

Immaculate conception has happened before. So, E just might get pregnant with the next messiah without even trying.

Chaos said...

I hear the "hotel" has nice straight jackets this time of year. If you want "my advice, take down your pants and slide on the ice!"

Marie said...

Drat.

Putz said...

mostly i just tease, i just think of all the things i heard and re heard when i was going through this and it makes me mad...it also makes me sad...i get melencolly often and i really don't have the answers, you don't have the answers, your readers don't have the answers...but i do appreciate all the support you get

Elle Charlie said...

Looking back is certainly filled with ironies, in'it?

Vicki said...

I'm sure you've heard this before but try Robitussin. It supposedly thins the "fluids" so that the little guys have an easier swim. Not sure that it works, I just heard it somewhere. That's the only advice I have. I'm new here so don't throw anything at me. I promise to read your archives and catch up. I will keep you in my prayers and cheer for your little swimmers in my head. (Trying real hard not to get a mental picture complete with cheerleading uniform with sperm on front...hehe.)

Good luck and consider this the time to enjoy some things you haven't done it a while, like go out to eat, visit people you haven't seen in a while, or just crash on the couch with a good movie and a huge bowl of popcorn.

Sorry for the long comment. Just wanted to say hi for the first time! So...HI!! *waves frantically*

Fate's Granddaughter said...

As much as I find your self-deprication extraordinarily entertaining, you really must lay off yourself for a while. I am certain you have given yourself (and Spencer for that matter) a complex of massive proportions.

Is that as bad as saying "relax, and just when you don't expect it to happen it will" ?

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Tiff - Gee thanks ;0)

@Cindy (and poor old forgotten Brian) - Thank you, I'm very glad.

@Veronica - don't use rubber bands? speaking from experience?

@Angel - there's an image!

@Missy M - Don't ever worry about commenting for the sake of it, it's great that you read at all.
Especially a broadcasting star such as your fine self!

Thank you M.

@Bluestreak - Creative/Demented, same difference...

@Conortje - a scissors, surely...

@Kelley - like the er...PC?

@Jo Beaufoix - Wicked as in nasty?

@Sarah - Ooooh, maybe I just will!

@Jenni - I don't buy that, Jesus was an ICSI baby I reckon.

@Chaos - er...Maybe I'll just call that plan B eh?

@Marie - and double drat!

@Putz - Thank you sir, I find it remarkable how you find the connection with all this.
Different generation, different worlds, but the same basic experiences.

@Elle Charlie - Absolutely, the
innocence of those days is almost funny.

@Vicki - I have heard that. Although our (okay, her) go-goo is okay.

Thanks for the comment, I appreciate it, hope the archives don't bore you to death!

@Fate's Granddaughter - It's all just in the name of fun, I'm not actually beating myself up for real!

but shame on you for the relax line!
;0)

womb for improvement said...

Bless. You don't really think we listen to you do you? But thanks for the warning.

5 weeks, the naivety. It seems absolutely incredible to think that some people do manage to get knocked up within that time span. But maybe I'm just hanging out with the wrong folk.

abritdifferent said...

Apparently, if you do something long enough, it becomes a habit. Nothing wrong with a full tank of petrol, I say.

Hindsight is amazing, isn't it? I have to admit though, lawn movers aren't very forgiving, especially the petrol-powered ones. You might want to go with something a little less scar-permanent.

TW said...

;) Oops, this seems to have fallen off my earlier comment. Not sure how that happened?

bsouth said...

I think you're bearing up very well - I can hardly feel the tension.

But, try not to be so hard on yourself - if we all had the gift of hindsight we'd all say far fewer stupid things.

Oh, and when you get there, try and remember that "it's a baby, it drinks milk and shits, how hard can it be?" is more stupid than all of your other comments put together!

Tanya said...

I didn't laugh, I didn't frown and I didn't scratch my head. I don't know what to write.

Karen MEG said...

I would have LOVED to know what was going on in my brain early on in the process. I know by the time I was where you are in your journey I was beyond coherent, so frustrated and bitter was I... so I must commend you for keeping it real and, believe it or not, at the root of it all, I can still see that you're still very, very hopeful. As you should be.

You, X, naive, innocent maybe... stupid, foolish, never. And of course you never expect it to take18 months or beyond... because average stats say it shouldn't. I know "average" sounds so boring, doesn't it? I just wish that we didn't have to prove ourselves so extraordinary by taking so friggin' long to get pregnant. Frustrating club to belong to... but I do see a light for you, my friend, I do. Hang in there, blueballs and all... it'll happen.

Widdle Shamrock said...

Just a thought....you are Oirish Cat o lic . Maybe if you turned Proddie, you would get your woife up da duff.

KIDDING !!!!! Jay Sus Mary and Joe sif.

Tracey said...

Maybe!

Tismee2 said...

Damn, I got sent a great e-mail photo today of a man who could tie his 'winkie'in a knot. Now if you could do that it would keep us entertained while we are waiting for you to start bumping uglies again.

Do you ever feel like you are the stars of some cheap porn show? All these people, all over the world waiting for you to 'do it'.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Womb for improvement - the naivety indeed, makes me laugh sometimes.

@Abritdifferent - habit eh? hmmmm nuns...

@TW - cheeky...

@bsouth - I'll have a few more stupid comments before I get to say anything like that I reckon.

@Tanya - You okay?

@Karen MEG - I'd take boring and average ANY day!

@Widdle Shamrock - Phonetic Blasphemy, noice...

@Tracey - Hmmmph. Feck off.

@Tismee2 - Porn? never... it's more a 'carry on' scenario isn't it?
All suggestion and puns, nothing graphic?

Maxi Cane said...

A month?

I could get that amount of non sex done in a week, with both hands tied behind my back.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Maxi - BOTH hands indeed...