Thursday 27 March 2008

Being a prick (part one)

Firstly, let me inform you that from the sensation on the right hand side of my face, either this brace is doing it's stuff and I'm going to have a smile like Mr Ed in 18 months, or I've just had a stroke.

Anyway, more important matters, I know it may stun you to your very core, but I've not always been the suave, modern, sensative, metrosexual that you see before you today. I have been known, either through circumstance or intention, to be a bit of a prick. Here is just one example.

1996 Cork, Ireland.
Yours truly is out enjoying another evening of drunken student debauchery in one of the many hideous nightclubs that Cork had to offer it's student population. Put it this way, this place had sawdust all over the floor. We all know why drinking establishments frequented by students need sawdust on the floor now don't we?

The evening was progressing well, everyone was hot, sweaty, and drunk. Beer was the staple tipple of choice for everyone, but every few rounds, we'd break loose and try some shot or another, usually whatever the special cheap offer was at that moment.

It came to my turn to head to the bar. (This is a task I HATE. I will happy PAY for someone else to go for me. I'm short, lazy, and rarely attract enough attention to excuse myself through a crowded bar room or to get any kind of prompt service.)

So off I go, and start to make my return journey loaded up with 4 tequilas, 4 slices of lemon, and a salt shaker. Almost half way back to our table I slip on what I presume was some variety of bodily fluid, I manage to save my precious cargo.

All, that is, except for 1 slice of lemon....
'Shit, shit, shit' I face a dilemma:
-Do I fight my way back to the bar again for another fresh slice?
-Do I just continue to return to our table and dissappoint some one of my friends with no lemon?
-Do I, God forbid, return to the table and go without the slice of lemon myself?

No, none of the above. I pick up the slice of lemon which has landed nicely on a pile of sawdust and vomit, and carry on as if nothing had happened.

60 seconds later, 4 drunken students had 'slammed' another tequila, only for one poor unsuspecting partier to exclaim, 'Wow, that lemon had a LOT of pips in it'.

Undeservedly, she is still a good friend to me to this very day.


Anonymous said...

You are a bad bad man.

Jason Roth said...

Reminiscing the college days are we? Sometimes I miss mine. Other times not so much.

Although I'd like to say I'm appalled by your delivery of a vomit-coated lemon to a friend, I have to say I probably would have done the same thing. Because, let's face it, I'm not about to go without on myself. And, I'd be too lazy to back for another.

Let's hope your friend doesn't read this and figure it out.

Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

Part One?? There's more??

Ah Xbox, you never cease to make me smile. If you published this blog as your memoirs, you'd make a million bucks.

Hey wait - since it's my idea, give me half!


Tara R. said...

That is why I refuse to drink anything that has a fruity garnish... I still bet you are a fun party dog though.

MommyHeadache said...

You are a bad boy. I was worse though. I'm afraid I was one of those tightarses who used to glide through nightclubs in my student days drinking from anyone's glass that was around (it was usually best done while everyone was on the dancefloor). It's amazing I never caught anything...!

Lance said...

I've been drunk in that saw dust on the floor shit hole. I think I even puked on the floor.

I'm just saying, good times.

Anonymous said...

I like limes soaked in tequila. Does that make me a bad person? haha.

Anonymous said...

HA! That's awesome, I would have done the same thing only I would have made sure the bigger prick than myself in the group got the special lemon.

Once, in my younger days, I got real smashed at a party and as my friend drove me home I hung out the window. Little did I know as I was hanging out the window spilling my extra protein, his girlfriend sitting right behind me had her window open. Add 2+2 and you get protein whipping back in her face from the wind of the open road.

At the moment, I actually laughed instead of feeling guilty...I am a bit of a prick sometimes too!

Deb said...

Oh, my dear... I want to go drinking with you, but I will be responsible for getting the drinks from the bar, mmmkay?

Our Crooked Tree said...

just drink more tequila so the other side of your face looses feeling; then you can pass out and all will be better in the a few days:) it will get better I promise; I was 29 and pregnant when I had braces. I looked like an unwed teenage mother. Horrid.

Resim said...

You would have fit in with my college buds just fine. We used to see who could top the other with pranks and practical jokes. Not sure if I would have picked up the lemon, but I'd laugh about it if I saw it.

Anonymous said...

Meh. You takes your chances.

Veronica Foale said...

At least you didn't eat the chunky lemon. And I mean, she didn't die, right?

Foreigner by Default said...

Oh God. College days. Scary.

Although it's so long ago by now I shouldn't even be able to remember.

I only did harmless things though. Like putting pieces of chunky grilled burgers into white wine bottle. Looks like poo in .. well, you can imagine.

I always got to drink all the white wine.

Jared said...

Dude! That is just wrong! But hillarious at the same time. :D

I would have been pissed at first until I realized that I have put worse things in my mouth during a drunken college stoop. :D

Can't wait for Part II...

Putz said...

you are not related to the McCourt brothers are you? cork, drinking, short people, i am acctually getting a little tired of your shenanigans

Putz said...

irish shenanegans

Anonymous said...

it's proven that sawdust and vomit together fight against many known diseases so you ditch the guilt and go get you deserved thanks.

Martin said...

@Dan - I'm not Leroy Brown level just yet...

@Roth Family Adventures - The friends actually knows the story (I think) and is still a friend, believe it or not.
Bless her.

@Hilary - A million eh? Canadian or US?

@Tara R - I've been known to live with the liveliest of partiers, even today...

@EmmaK - you could very possibly have been one of us then!

@Lance - VERY good times, can't beat a hometown eh?

@Amanda - I'm a preferererererer of limes myself, great hangover cure.

@Hockeyman - that's a class story that is. Puking on people is ALWAYS fun.

@Deb - I prefer to sit at the bar, but bring it on!

@Our Crooked Tree - SO what you are telling me is that you were younger AND you were expecting a child... You women DO know how to rub it in don't ye...

@Jeremy Neal - the good ol' days eh...

@Tracey - EXACTLY...!

@Veronica - Nope she's still alive AND she's procreated. Bitch.

@Foreigner by Default - ah yes, the old destroy the drink so no one else wants it trick... (welcome back by the way)

@Jared - I bet you've had a LOT worse in your mouth... ;-)

@Putz - McCourts, great story tellers eh? Irish Shenanegans are my favourite shenanegans man!

@Struglas - Guilt? hahah don't be ridiculous, I've no guilt, I'm still a BIT of a prick ;-)

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

Your evilness is embedded.

How are those braces feeling? Maybe it's karma.

Anonymous said...

yeah, ok, I'd have done the same thing... but reading it... I just puked a little in my mouth. lol

Karen MEG said...

Hilarious, but not so much for your friend. Maybe you can blame the fact on your inebriatedness (word??) ... and a little extra protein on fruit can't REALLY hurt anyone, right?

Almost made me snort my coffee.

Can't wait for part deux.

happy weekend!

Momo Fali said...

Truly, I'm in need of some sawdust now. I'm hungover, queasy, and that just put me over the edge. Gag.