Monday 19 January 2009

Your name here

It's been suggested to me before that I should run some ads here, and I would, really I would if it wasn't for the dreadful fallout that would ensue.

The thirty one euro (around US$35 or roughly 80,000 pounds sterling) a year I could earn from having ads here would undoubtedly leave me inundated with begging letters, leaving me forced to choose worthy causes and as a result leave some disappointed.

The guilt would overpower me like disinfectant fumes and eventually kill me. Kill me dead, on the floor. By the sink.

So, instead, I'm going for the big time. Sponsorships!

In these troubled times what self respecting multinational organisation wouldn't want to be associated with our broken wobbly bits?

The opportunity to align yourself strategically with a pair of conceptually inept and oversexed Irish half midgets is marketing gold.

You could sponsor our bed. Speaks for itself really doesn't it?

Your company name could have pride of place every time we have to retire to the boudoir. It's guaranteed a mighty test with one solid week of consecutive daily exertion every 4 weeks, with incidental and spontaneous attacks on it's stability spread through out the other 3.

If you want to go that step further, I'm open to complete redecoration of the bedroom.ET, from her customary privileged position in the bed (flat on her back and bored), has noted that the ceiling needs painting.

Are YOU the company to provide us with the perfect conception environment?

If you are a smaller business, we can discuss smaller related sponsorships. There are still openings for companies to sponsor post coital arse raising cushions, bedding sets, detergent & fabric softener, loose fitting male and tight fitting female underwear sets, and sexy-time Sudoku puzzle books for ET.

From the bedroom to the bathroom, how would you like your brand name mentioned every time ET squats?

Imagine the glory you could claim if it were your OPK brand that indicated the perfect timing, and broke the miserable run of redundant shagging?

You could throw in one or two pregnancy tests as a gesture of goodwill also, although I can't guarantee they would ever be used. (Other than perhaps becoming the successor to the toothbrush as the object of choice to help fish my watch back out of the toilet every other day.)

Go on, let my wife cover your product in golden glory.

Are you a vitamin or supplement supplier? Well what an opportunity have we for you today mister!

Vitamins C, E, and B6, along with zinc, beta carotene and folic acid are being gobbled up in our house at a rate faster than Western Europe can supply them.

Are you just the organisation that deserves the credit for Spencer's final push? Come on, forget about a logo on Phelps' goggles, back a real swimmer.

Of course, it's not just the industries directly related to fertility issues that can help us out, the possibilities are endless.

We would be willing to free 4 weekends a year in our calendars, for us to 'just relax' at YOUR resort, or the European hotel city break of your choosing.

If you don't think we are a good bet for success, you can still sponsor our failure!

Sorrows still need to be drowned, why not become the official wine, tissue, and mascara supplier to our venture?

I need to continue telling all these lovely folks out there about these wonderful products, but I can only really do so if my 7 year old PC doesn't explode. Again.

Are you the computer manufacturer to join us on our journey? (I'm not being pushy, but Dell, you have a lot of making up to do with us in Ireland.)

Imagine the majestic words that could be typed on a decent machine.

Endless possibilities exist for you to align yourself strategically with us here, you may never again receive the chance to stand side by side and show your corporate willingness to support those who can't do what 15 years olds do every weekend over the graveyard wall.

23 months of firing duds into the wife and across the internet has left me without shame, and this leads me to the ultimate sacrifice I'm willing to make for the appropriate business partner.

Xbox4NappyRash is catchy, but so are AstonMartin4NappyRash, SuitcaseFullOfCash4NappyRash, and CondoInDubai4NappyRash.

In retrospect, Gates must owe me a fortune.


Anonymous said...

I really think you should have your own tv show. The product placements that you've touched on would more than pay for it. I would watch faithfully!

Sarah said...

I'd most definitely watch! I'd even buy the DVD set.

Anonymous said...

I'll sponsor your page.

Let's hammer out a deal.

Anonymous said...

The Xbox show. Powered by the Anti Durex Lobby.

Jane G said...

I'll contact our marketing department and see if they're up for supplying OPKs and mascara. They could probably through in a few boxes of tampons too.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant writing. You really cheer me up!

Hoping Spencer made it! It's the 2 week wait that almost the worst, isn't it?

Kori said...

love the phelps reference! You are a creative genius!

Putz said...

actually you tease about sponsership, but my boy on blaze of gory, i mesan glory had 550 hits in a 24 hour period and made $21 in that period...i had ads on with sexy lingeria but lucy said i wasn't a very good morman when i did that...i think it is crass to to that but i am only saying it because i am jealous of your talent and readership

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

I'd be happy to offer my sponsorship, but I think my kids' store sponsoring your bed would just be wrong.

Liz said...

You aren't aiming high enough (clearly Spencer isn't either maybe it runs in the family). Forget selling other people products I'm thinking you need your own product range. Pregnancy tests that read positive whether you are or not - for when you need a pick me up. Or your own Viagra when the ovulation is willing, but the instrument is exhausted. Though you might have some negotiation over the xbox part of your name.

Anonymous said...

Actually, wouldn't it be cheaper to install a camera in your bedroom, pointed at the bed, and then plaster ads on your backside and on the bottoms of ET's feet?

Anonymous said...

The Xbox Show. That would be cool.

Also, wine, chocolate and tampons. They should be sponsors. They certainly should sponsor my blog too.

Karen MEG said...

Uh, what Bonnie B said. The imagery is priceless!

Anonymous said...

If I were you I'd be getting myself shares in tissues - I mean you must go through boxes and boxes of giz rags.

Why do you keep dropping your watch in the lav?

Jo Beaufoix said...

Heh heh, you should definitely get sponsorship. I love Angel and Bonnie B's idea. You could call it bedcam or bonkcam or something. I wuld watch, you know, purely for the adverts. ;D

Anonymous said...

Um, why does your watch end up in the toilet every day?

Jason Roth said...

Might as well make money!

Anonymous said...

SHIT!!!!! I need sponsorship...then again I need to feaking change my blog every six months as my ex finds them and starts rashing me. I loved my old blog...I Pee In The Wind. I may go back to it. BUT YES!!!!!! GET PAID BROTHA!!!!!

James (SeattleDad) said...

How much to wear LIAYF emblazoned t-shirts to the Doctors Office each month??

memart graphics said...

get a mac, Mac. It's the only way to go.

River said...

Me too. I want to know why your watch ends up in the toilet so often.

Anonymous said...

Have you thought about Fail Blog?

Bwaaaaa haaaa haaaaaaa

You know I love you. As in like how I love small animals that are cute and don't get anywhere near my feet.

Martin said...

@Angel - I think I should too. Nightly stripper report or some such.

@Sarah - Admit it, you'd downoad it.

@Maxi Cane - STD4NappyRash?

@Joe - AKA the Catholic Church? can't see it coming to fruitition.

@Jane G - I had ye in mind!

@Lorna - Hi, welcome, yeah the waiting is nuts. makes me do dreadful things like this.

@Kori - And you are a wonderful exaggerating commenter!

@Putz - Get that lingerie OFF I say!

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - Oh what is that you say Angie, you have an Online store, oh pray tell what is it's name and do you have any inorguration specials?

@womb for improvement - An Anti-viagra would be useful at times.

@Bonnie B. - my arse? hmmm twice the space at least...

@nutsinmay - it wouldn't, admit it. It would be like a bad 'my hero'.

@Karen MEG - far from priceless, 2K a month.

@Tismee2 - The vulgarity!

@Jo Beaufoix - turning my stomach

@bsouth - pay attention, every other day.

@iVegasFamily - next best thing surely!

@BedsideTalesMan - that was a good blog. Hope you get it up and running again.

@James Austin - 15K a month, most to cover the fee to star wars inc. though.

@Michaelynn - I'm open to suggestion! and freebies.

@River - oh it's a secret!

@Kelley - I don't understand why you always want to hurt me so.

Paddy in BA (Quickroute) said...

I started to laugh at your exhange rates but then remembered my bank a/c in UK is now worthless :-((

Ian Newbold said...

I've been running the same thoughts in my head. Perhaps we could offer a marketing network of dreadfully theme blogs for the vultures to sponsor?

Anonymous said...

I've got a box of OPKs that have read positive for a solid week. (And no, not on any drugs that would cause this.) Perhaps these could be marketed with the person who suggested pregnancy tests that are always positive.

Doesn't do much for conception but helps the self esteem...

B said...


I've an idea! I'll sponsor your bed, but it'll come with my face painted onto the sheets... the bed will be a bizarre shape so you'd have to use the sheets and it'd be a perfect way for me to leave anonymity.

I've already said there's a cult show here, it'd need to be executed perfectly though

I Am Emily... said...

speechless..I mean, come on! who can comment on that?

Martin said...

@Quickroute - No bloody joke. I have literally lost thousands.

@Single Parent Dad - this IS a dreadful themed blog..

@RRP - I'd take em!

@B - Frankly, disturbing.

@Tanya - you can!