It's been suggested to me before that I should run some ads here, and I would, really I would if it wasn't for the dreadful fallout that would ensue.
The thirty one euro (around US$35 or roughly 80,000 pounds sterling) a year I could earn from having ads here would undoubtedly leave me inundated with begging letters, leaving me forced to choose worthy causes and as a result leave some disappointed.
The guilt would overpower me like disinfectant fumes and eventually kill me. Kill me dead, on the floor. By the sink.
So, instead, I'm going for the big time. Sponsorships!
In these troubled times what self respecting multinational organisation wouldn't want to be associated with our broken wobbly bits?
The opportunity to align yourself strategically with a pair of conceptually inept and oversexed Irish half midgets is marketing gold.
You could sponsor our bed. Speaks for itself really doesn't it?
Your company name could have pride of place every time we have to retire to the boudoir. It's guaranteed a mighty test with one solid week of consecutive daily exertion every 4 weeks, with incidental and spontaneous attacks on it's stability spread through out the other 3.
If you want to go that step further, I'm open to complete redecoration of the bedroom.ET, from her customary privileged position in the bed (flat on her back and bored), has noted that the ceiling needs painting.
Are YOU the company to provide us with the perfect conception environment?
If you are a smaller business, we can discuss smaller related sponsorships. There are still openings for companies to sponsor post coital arse raising cushions, bedding sets, detergent & fabric softener, loose fitting male and tight fitting female underwear sets, and sexy-time Sudoku puzzle books for ET.
From the bedroom to the bathroom, how would you like your brand name mentioned every time ET squats?
Imagine the glory you could claim if it were your OPK brand that indicated the perfect timing, and broke the miserable run of redundant shagging?
You could throw in one or two pregnancy tests as a gesture of goodwill also, although I can't guarantee they would ever be used. (Other than perhaps becoming the successor to the toothbrush as the object of choice to help fish my watch back out of the toilet every other day.)
Go on, let my wife cover your product in golden glory.
Are you a vitamin or supplement supplier? Well what an opportunity have we for you today mister!
Vitamins C, E, and B6, along with zinc, beta carotene and folic acid are being gobbled up in our house at a rate faster than Western Europe can supply them.
Are you just the organisation that deserves the credit for Spencer's final push? Come on, forget about a logo on Phelps' goggles, back a real swimmer.
Of course, it's not just the industries directly related to fertility issues that can help us out, the possibilities are endless.
We would be willing to free 4 weekends a year in our calendars, for us to 'just relax' at YOUR resort, or the European hotel city break of your choosing.
If you don't think we are a good bet for success, you can still sponsor our failure!
Sorrows still need to be drowned, why not become the official wine, tissue, and mascara supplier to our venture?
I need to continue telling all these lovely folks out there about these wonderful products, but I can only really do so if my 7 year old PC doesn't explode. Again.
Are you the computer manufacturer to join us on our journey? (I'm not being pushy, but Dell, you have a lot of making up to do with us in Ireland.)
Imagine the majestic words that could be typed on a decent machine.
Endless possibilities exist for you to align yourself strategically with us here, you may never again receive the chance to stand side by side and show your corporate willingness to support those who can't do what 15 years olds do every weekend over the graveyard wall.
23 months of firing duds into the wife and across the internet has left me without shame, and this leads me to the ultimate sacrifice I'm willing to make for the appropriate business partner.
Xbox4NappyRash is catchy, but so are AstonMartin4NappyRash, SuitcaseFullOfCash4NappyRash, and CondoInDubai4NappyRash.
In retrospect, Gates must owe me a fortune.