My ears burned red as she said the words, I couldn't move my head, so I just stared at my fingers.
If I turned around I was going to get another eyeful of ET's pink bits winking cheekily at me, and if I looked upwards I was staring at the reflection of her uterine opening in the doctor's display case.
What happened to being asked to step out of the room?
I'm a fairly easy going sort of chap when it comes to such matters, but I don't need to, want to, nor have the ability to stomach having to, watch this Dutch lady use my wife as a glove puppet.
One good thing about this impromptu internal examination during our first meeting with the reproductive specialist, was that she had a good look with an ultrasound, and took smashing pictures of my wife's ovaries, eggs and bladder.
I was tempted to take a copy to pass off to my friends as a 12 week scan just to prove my point that you can't tell what's in those pictures anyway.
'Is that a penis?'
'No, it's a fallopian tube'
I guess these pictures could be used to support our case as potentially fit parents to "fate's department of social services".
'...and here is where it will sleep'.
The long and short of it all, ET is is perfect working order, and its my gammy gonads once again in the spotlight.
Just before she had to climb into the stirrups, we were subjected to the type of questioning that I've only previously had from my buddies after a dozen pints or so.
'Any secret children ?'
'Do other members of your family have children?'
Oh rub it in why don't you, you hag. 'Yes, I've 18 nieces and nephews'.
'Have you ever had any sexually transmitted diseases?'
'You mean, aside from regret?' I thought to myself. 'No, no diseases'.
'How often do you have sex?'
'Like, with each other or just by myself? because thanks to you lot that's really starting to affect the averages'. Eventually we just explained our various approaches.
'Are you experiencing any emotional issues from not conceiving?'
'Click here, bitch, and you tell me'
ET took over the answering from that point.
Actually, she wasn't a bitch, she was even quite nice, as long as I dismiss the fact she was further inside my wife than I've ever been.
She even took the time to go through my first man milking results, and pointed out, (just as I did, so there) that the lower motility is offset by the high count and good volume.
She awaits my second set of results, later this week.
A quick blood sample (from me) later, we arranged for ET to have some blood drawn later in this cycle, and made a follow up appointment for 4 weeks when we get down to the nitty gritty.
By the time we got to the reception desk, the 4 weeks became 6, so it seems Spencer has enough time for at least one more shot, before I have to open the last thing handed to me today, the information pack on Intra Uterine Insemination.
Fuck me, this IS getting serious...