Wednesday 12 March 2008

Dusting off

Please stand up & pat yourself on the back.

You all deserve that(and a hefty bosom full more to boot) for all the amazing comments you left last time round. I don't do soppy as a rule, but you guys 'complete me'.

Well, not quite.
Not at all in fact, that was a big fat lie.
But you do seriously rawk 'big' time for the time and effort you put into your comments, I am genuinely 'awwww shucksed' by them all.

So, what next? Well, performing more sex acts upon myself in the early hours of the morning and depositing the produce of said acts into a plastic pot of course, what else?

I will take a repeat test in three weeks just so I can hand a pot of semen labeled 'useless bastard' to Grizzly Adams, and then 2 weeks later I can revel in the joy of my GP looking down her nose at me while asking if I have ever considered the priesthood.
Then, and only then can I discard my last shred of manhood like a snotty tissue.(except it's not snot on that tissue as all you parents to teenage boys know)

Hopefully before that time comes we will have identified a suitable fertility/reproductive specialist to go further with.

I can't believe it's come to this.
I can't believe that when I wrote my first post that I would be here almost a year later, so much further away from what we had aspired to.
I was pretty sure that I didn't take it as a blow to my fundamental maleness, I wasn't sure I had any 'fundamental maleness' left after the last year, but fuck it I do, and it's been dented.

The real obscene aspect to this stupid feeling is that it doesn't arise when I think of my uber potent sperm who are just too glued to American Idol to swim a few centimetres, it comes when I imagine someone in the future confirming that ET has gotten pregnant, - no thanks to me.
It may be my sperm, but I couldn't even get it to do the basics right.
I don't know which I'm more ashamed of, the facts or the feelings.

In other news, my recent forays into the world of dentistry saw me back in the chair today, this time at the orthofeckindontist. The good news, (if you are a sadistic son-of-a-dogwithtitties,) is that I get to have a brace fitted. Yes, you heard me correctly, I, a thirty year old professional will be sporting a brace in two weeks time.

For those of you not so good with numbers, 2 weeks is 1 week less than 3 weeks. Therefore I will be a chubby, short arsed, 30 year old, brace mouthed, serial mastubator when I hand over my next jug of jizz on this quest for fatherhood.

...but you know what? I will do it a million times over if I have to.


Deb said...

I swear that's the closest I've come to peeing my pants since the last time I sneezed (postpartum incontinence is a son-of-a-dogwithtitties).

It's going to be fine. Really. Nothing a turkey baster can't fix. I've been there. Really.

P.S. I don't really have postpartum incontinence, but I HAD to use the son-of-a-dogwithtitties thing immediately or risk losing it from my aging brain.

Anonymous said...

'Therefore I will be a chubby, short arsed, 30 year old, brace mouthed, serial mastubator when I hand over my next jug of jizz on this quest for fatherhood.'

That, my friend, is pure poetry.

We all still think you are hawt though. ;)

Anonymous said...

On the bright side? You will NEVER have a vaginal ultrasound. And that, my friend, is a very good thing to never have.

Jason Roth said...

It's amazing that you can muster up your remarkable humor even during trying times. Laughter is the best medicine. Hopefully your second self molestation makes for better results. Perhaps you can bend over and give the little swimmers some inspiring words of encouragement before you do the deed.

Anonymous said...

Aw, now see? That's exactly the kind of devotion you need to have to be a good father!

XB, this post was hysterically funny!

PG said...

you are such a good egg! Humor in the brace, err I mean face of all adversity!

Anonymous said...

I hope you toss grizzly adams your best braces smile after you hand her your pot. Give her your best pre teen peversion grin. Go on, dare ya!

frog ponds rock... said...

mmm Grizzly Adams has got the practical joker side of my Aussie nature intrigued...

can you put a bit of vaseline on the outside of the specimen jar? just a teensy little bit.. So her face changes a little bit as she accepts the jar???

hmmm just a thought...

Oh and you are my favouritest wanker...

cheers kim xx

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

I never knew man juice could have so many activities and explanations. Thanks for that.

Anonymous said...

Yeah I like the Vaseline on the cup idea too. In addition to that, eat a sticky pastry ( whatever you might have out in your area ) and leave a little sticky residue also. For the full effect. Then snicker as you walk away.

Anonymous said...

Damn..that was funny! Let that humor carry you and ET through this is. If it can't carry you, it'll be a damn fine distraction.

Anonymous said...

You, my friend, are hilarious!

Martin said...

Thanks folks. I appreciate the comments.

and calli's mama - Hilarious eh?
Hilarious and childless... soon become irritating and creepy